50 Funny Investment Jokes And Puns for Laughter Dividends

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Jessica Amlee

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Investment, in the realm of finance, involves allocating resources, often in the form of money, with the expectation of generating an income or profit. From stocks, bonds, real estate to mutual funds, various avenues offer opportunities for investors to multiply their wealth over time. An investment decision is often influenced by factors like risk tolerance, investment horizon, and expected returns, making the process a complex blend of analysis, strategy, and patience.

When it comes to humor, investment jokes are a rich mine, owing to the inherent complexities and the wide range of outcomes that investment decisions can lead to. Investment jokes take the often stressful and serious nature of financial decisions and twist them into a light-hearted laugh. They often reflect on the unpredictability of the markets, the irrational behaviors of investors, or the complexities of financial instruments, bringing a sense of irony and comic relief to an otherwise serious field.

It’s through such playful humor, finance experts can find a respite from the analytical rigor, while also appreciating the unique nuances of the investment world.

Best Investment Jokes

Have you got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture?
Sounds like a pyramid scheme.

When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral?
Invest in alcohol.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(ROI who?)
ROI don’t you understand, investing is a long-term game!

Why is ink an unwise investment?
Because it’s a dyeing industry.

Yo mama is so clueless about stock trading, she thought NASDAQ was a type of cold medicine!

Why do pediatricians not like long-term investments?
They have little patients.

Where do pigs invest their money?
The slop market.

Student: I can’t believe it increased by 1500%.
Professor: I’m sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.
Student: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980.

Little Johnny started investing in stocks; beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day he hopes to be a bouillonaire.

Never Invest in the Velcro industry.
It is a complete ripoff.

Did you hear about the man who just gave a presentation on why one should invest in his sword-making business?
He made some excellent points.

Recommended: Stock Market Jokes

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early in Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890…
You would be dead.

Why is Ireland a good investment?
Cause its capital is dublin’.

Yo mama’s stock portfolio so poor, it makes a penny stock look like a blue chip.

Why should you invest in perfume businesses?
It just makes scents.

Why should anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?
It’s going to be called “Wok like an Egyptian”.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, the initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Why don’t clowns invest their money in the market?
They’d be the laughing stock.

Why did the investment not yield to maturity?
It wasn’t ready to take on adult responsibilities and the loss of innocence associated with it.

Did you hear about the man who wanted to invest in an agricultural company?
He was impressed with their organic growth.

Why should you invest in the body bag industry?
You’ll make a killing!

Why should you invest in a hot air balloon company?
It really takes off.

Recommended: Bank Jokes

A man furiously approaches his neighbor and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”
“Why?” the neighbor asks. “What did Anna do?”
“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.
“Anna conned her?”
“No. Burmese python.”

Why did Apple buy Beats?
It was a sound investment.

Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.

How did the celery get rich?
It invested in the stalk market.

Why won’t Superman invest in Bitcoin?
Because his weakness is krypto.

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, “Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; Let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right.”
Paul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you & your secretary.”

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in Apple?
Turns out he was in cider trading.

Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return.

Why was the deer was looking to diversify her investments?
Because she only had a couple of bucks and wanted to make a little doe.

Where does 007 invest his money?
In the bond market.

What do you call a financially savvy reptile?
An invest-o-gator.

What should cows invest in?
Mootual funds.

On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book that showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally, he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

What do skeletons invest in?

How do shoe stores diversify their portfolios?
They invest in socks.

What do Vampires invest in?
Bit Coin.

What’s the difference between a musician and an investment account?
One eventually matures and starts to make money.

A dirty disheveled guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a f*cking checking account”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?, I will report you to my manager”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a f*cking checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked angrily, “Hey you!!! What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f*cking checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see Sir,” the manager said, “and this f*cking bitch is giving you attitude?”

What’s the difference between a rafting guide and a mutual fund?
A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money.

Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.

Why was the stock trader electrocuted?
He shorted Tesla.

What do you call it when stock traders take over your home?
An investation.

There was a man with an ailing horse. Visiting the vet he said: “Can you help me? Sometimes the horse walks fine and sometimes he limps.”
The vet’s reply was pointed, “No problem – when he’s walking fine, sell him.”

Why shouldn’t you invest in Muslim-owned businesses?
They never show a prophet.

Do you have a funny investment joke? Write down your own investment puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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