50 Funny Mortgage Jokes Better Than Your Interest Rate

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Jessica Amlee

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Mortgage is not just a fancy word your parents throw around when they discuss their dream house; it’s actually a pretty big deal in the adult world. Think of it like this: You’re at a candy store, eyeing the biggest chocolate bar ever, but your piggy bank is a bit light. So, you make a deal with the shopkeeper – they give you the chocolate now, and you pay them back over time, with a little extra for their trouble. That’s a mortgage in a nutshell – it’s borrowing a huge chunk of money to buy a home and paying it back over years, usually with interest (that’s the extra bit). The funny thing is, while it sounds all serious and grown-up, there are loads of hilarious situations and jokes that come with the territory of mortgages.

Now, onto the good stuff – Mortgage Jokes. You might wonder, “How can something as serious as a mortgage be funny?” Well, let me tell you, when you’re knee-deep in paperwork and terms like ‘amortization’ start sounding like a weird dance move, you’ve got to find some humor in it. It’s like turning your loan officer into a comedian, except they’re not really trying to be funny. They throw around terms that sound more like spells from a wizard, and you’re just nodding along. Mortgage jokes are a way to lighten the mood, laugh a bit about the confounding world of interest rates, credit scores, and why your dream house comes with a side of financial jargon soup. So, while we’re not diving into the jokes just yet, let’s just say that in the world of mortgages, the real comedy is in the fine print!

Best Mortgage Jokes

A man explained to his wife that they’ll be paying twice as much as their house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.
She said, “Interesting.”

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?
Mortgage freeman.

Friend: Guess what?
Other Friend: What?
Friend: I finally made my last mortgage payment!
Other Friend: That must be a relief.
Friend: Yes. Although I still owe about $262,000, I figured it was a good time to stop.

Do you think nobody cares about you?
Try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Cash who?)
No thanks, I prefer to pay my mortgage electronically!

Why can’t 45-degree angles get a mortgage?
They don’t know whether to sine or cosine.

The little old lady didn’t always live in a shoe. She once had a house, but when she couldn’t pay the mortgage…
The bank gave her the boot.

Why was the mortgage so clingy?
It hated being alone.

Why did the homeowner get lost on its way to the bank?
Because his GPS kept saying “Miscalculating Mortage Payments”.

Yo mama so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.

Why did the newly widowed woman stop paying her mortgage?
For closure.

Real Estate Agent: This house is great, but it’s really for cats.
Buyer: What do you mean?
Real Estate Agent: It will take you nine lives to pay off the mortgage.

Did you hear about the ghost who didn’t pay his mortgage?
His house was repossessed.

Where do you go to get a mortgage for an igloo?
The Snow Bank.

Why did the mortgage application go to the party?
Cause he wanted to have a goof credit score time.

Why is Refinancing a mortgage is like a dental visit?
Both are painful, necessary, and you always hope you won’t have to do it again soon.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest
The man walks into the bank.
Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don’t really care.

What do you call a woman who sets her mortgage documents on fire?

How does a vampire pay the mortgage?
With cryptocurrency.

What do you call a mortgage that’s full of holes?
A Subprime Loan.

Why did the bank threaten to repossess my tree house?
They claim I missed my mortgage payments… but I think they’re barking up the wrong tree since I recently moved branches!

Did the river bank get the river to pay its mortgage?
By threatening it with a loan shark.

Friend: Guess what?
Other friend: What?
Friend: I just got a call from my mortgage provider, and I couldn’t be more proud! They told me all my bills were outstanding. They’ve never seen anything like it before!

How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?
It raised his celery.

Why did the house go to therapy?
It had mortgage issues.

Yo mama so poor, she had to take a second mortgage out on her cardboard box.

Why don’t fixed-rate mortgages like parties?
Because they never adjust!

A youth after graduating from college shared a note with the bank.
It read, “Thank you banks for the student loans, car loans, and mortgages, which helped me survive my life.
I don’t know if I can ever repay you.”

Why couldn’t Spongebob get a mortgage?
Because his house was underwater.

What’s a mortgage broker’s favorite type of music?

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Amos who?)
A-mos-t forgot to make my mortgage payment this month!

Did you hear about the Mortgage Enthusiast Club?
They had to disband due to lack of interest.

Death Penalty is abolished in most of the Developed Countries
They have a mortgage as an alternative.

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!

What was the US subprime mortgage afraid of?
Dying a loan.

Why was the mortgage depressed?
Because it was a loan.

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A dog used to live in a clay-brick house but was evicted for not paying his mortgage.
A Dobie’s adobe abode owed dough.

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!”

Why was Watson a good mortgage agent?
He works well with Holmes.

Why did the mortgage broker go out of business?
Because he lost interest.

What do you call it if Santa Claus forgets to pay the mortgage on his workshop?
He is in forclausure!

A frog went to the bank to take out a mortgage.
He sat down with Patty Mack the banker, and began the negotiations.
His credit score wasn’t bad, but when it came to the subject of collateral, he was a little unsure. Collectibles and other odds and ends were all he had to offer.
Patty was not convinced. No car? No property? Little credit? “Times are rough…” she started to say when her manager stepped up to her desk and asked what the problem was.
She handed him his paperwork, and after a few minutes of browsing, the manager raised an eyebrow and lowered his glasses.
“He has knick-knacks, Patty Mack, give the frog a loan.”

What’s the difference between a ten-year mortgage on your house and an anti-vaxxer’s kid?
The ten year part.

What do you call a platypus wearing a tuxedo that takes out a loan to buy stock in a mortgage company?

Did you hear about the horse who couldn’t pay its mortgage?
His income wasn’t stable enough.

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital s*x phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered ‘once a week,’ but your wife answered ‘several times a night.'”
“That’s correct,” said the husband. “And that’s the way it’s going to be until the mortgage is paid off.”

Mortgages are going up.
But you try telling a homeless person how lucky they are!

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A guy came up to me the other day and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my ‘money or my life’.
Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.

What do you call someone who mails mortgage statements?
Post Malone.

After graduating from college, a woman comes home and confesses to her father, “After four years of college, I ain’t a virgin anymore.”
“I’m very disappointed in you,” says the father. “Ever since you were just a little one, you were very bright. You got amazing grades in school, and you were actually the first member of our rural family to get accepted into college. To afford it, I had to get a second mortgage on the farm and sell all the livestock. All the sacrifices I made to get you four years’ worth of the education you deserved…”
“…and you still use the word ‘ain’t’?”

What was the name of the gay p*rno starring Macaulay Culkin who became a prostitute in an attempt to pay his mortgage?

What is the similarity between an uncircumcised p*nis and a disgruntled mortgage customer?
They both have pee pee eye cover.

Do you have a funny joke about Mortgage? Write down the puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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