Banks are those grand temples of money where your hard-earned cash goes on a little vacation, are quite the paradox. On one hand, they promise safety and growth for your dollars, kind of like a spa retreat for your wallet. On the other hand, entering a bank can feel like stepping into an alternate universe where time moves at the speed of a sloth and the number on your ticket seems to be part of a mystical lottery. It’s a place where pens are chained down like dangerous animals and the most exciting thing to happen is the pen actually working. And let’s not forget the thrill of discovering a new fee that’s sneakier than a ninja! In this world of numbers and queues, humor finds its way through the cracks, giving birth to the delightful genre of bank jokes.
Bank jokes, much like the mysterious fees, appear when you least expect them and have the power to turn a mundane bank visit into a chuckle-filled adventure. Imagine standing in the never-ending line, your number ticket slowly wilting in your hand, and then someone drops a bank joke. Suddenly, the room fills with laughter, the tellers crack a smile, and even the security guard looks amused. It’s like someone hit the fast-forward button, and the dreariness fades away. These jokes are the secret sauce that makes the whole banking experience palatable, turning groans into giggles. They prove that even in a place dominated by calculators and currency counters, humor is the most valuable currency.
Best Banking Jokes
What is the similarity between a bank and making love?
In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.
Are you a bank?
Cause you need to leave me a loan.
Why did the American football team go to the bank?
To get their quarterback.
What did Michael Jackson say at the bank?
Leave me a loan.
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.
The man enters the bank. Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage.
Employee: I don’t really care.
My dad always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” So I did.
Account balance: $9.11.
What do you call a piece of fruit who held up a bank and stole some money?
It was a strobbery.
Why snakes can’t rob a bank?
Because they are unarmed.
Why didn’t no one remembers the bank robber?
It was a topless woman.
A Chinese man in London went to the bank and inquired, “Why do I have less money in my account than yesterday?”
The banker replied, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese man said, “Oh yeah? Well, fluck you Blitish too!”
Why can’t a bank keep a secret?
Because there are too many tellers.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors.
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Why did the baker rob the bank?
Because he kneads the dough.
A masked robber enters a bank.
He reaches the teller, points a gun at her, and says “This is a bank robbery! Anyone who moves or does anything out of the ordinary is shot!” The teller then reaches over the counter and takes the mask, revealing the burglar’s face. ” You’ve seen my face!” the thief exclaims before shooting the victim. “Has anyone else seen my face?!?” he asks.
A man with his head down yells out, “I haven’t seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse.”
What do Russian Banks and a sick a** have in common?
Both having liquidity crises right now.
What is a bank’s favourite part of the tree?
Where do the fish keep their money?
In the river bank.
Why can’t cats work at the bank?
Because they can’t count money.
Where’s the best place to keep your cold, hard cash?
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“Give me all the money!” yelled the robber as he pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager. I require it in order to establish myself in a trade. You should know that initial investment is required to cover overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Why do banks need to be better at restocking ATMs on Christmas?
Because this is the 5th one I have been to that said insufficient funds.
Where does Frosty keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What’s the difference between churches and banks?
Both take your money but only one gives it back.
How does a southerner ask for money from a bank?
Why did the smartphone go to court?
The power bank charged him with battery.
President Biden entered the bank to cash a check. “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?” he said as he approached the cashier.
“It would be my pleasure, sir,” says the cashier. “Could you please show me your identification?” Biden says, “To be honest, I didn’t bring my ID because I didn’t think it was necessary.” “My name is Joe Biden, and I am the President of the United States of America.” “Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all of the bank regulations and monitoring due to impostors and forgers, as well as the requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.” Biden says, “Simply ask anyone at the bank who I am, and they will tell you. Everyone is aware of who I am.”
“I’m sorry, Mr President, but these are the bank rules, and I must abide by them.” “I direct you to cash this check!” says Biden. The cashier says, “Look, Mr President, here’s an example of what we’re capable of. Tiger Woods walked into a bank without identification one day. To prove his Tiger Woods status, he took out his putter and hit a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. We knew he was Tiger Woods after that shot and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi showed up without identification. He took out his tennis racquet and hit a fantastic shot, but the tennis ball landed in my cup. We cashed his check with that shot. So, Mr President, what can you do to demonstrate that you are the President of the United States?”
Biden sits there thinking and thinking before finally saying, “I honestly can’t think of anything. I’m at a loss for what to do.”
The cashier says, “Will that be large or small bills, Mr President?”
Two guys were robbing a liquor store. One held up a bottle and asked, “Is this whiskey?”
The other one answered, “Yes but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.”
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What’s the hardest part about being addicted to banking?
What if one has no interest in banking?
You are not a loan.
What’s the difference between a snow bank and a regular bank?
The snow bank doesn’t call security when you point a gun at it.
What do you call it when the ocean commits a bank robbery?
A crime wave.
A rasta man walks into a bank carrying a 25 kg bag of marijuana. And gives it to the bank teller.
The bank teller, perplexed, inquires, “What is this for?”
“Me here to open a joint account,” the rasta responds.
What did the banker say to the electrician?
“We will pay for your current account.”
What did the recluse say to the bank teller when he needed money?
“Leave me a loan!”
Why are piggy banks so wise?
They’re filled with common cents.
Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy?”
Alexa: Apple Juice.
Do you know why banks only hire females?
Because if they hired males it’d be tellhims and not tellers.
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Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.
A Frog visits a bank to obtain a loan. He approaches the woman at the loan application desk and notices that her name is Patty Whack on her name tag. “Excuse me, I’d like to apply for a loan,” the Frog says. The woman, taken aback by the presence of a talking frog in her bank, immediately refuses, stating, “We only work with humans, no animals can get loans here…besides, you don’t have any collateral.” The Frog quickly pulls a small troll doll from his pocket. “Of course I do!” Take my Troll for example. She means everything to me.”
The woman is now upset and goes to the bank’s manager. “Sir, there is a frog outside attempting to take out loans from us.”
The manager takes the doll, looks it over very carefully and says, “It’s a knick knack, patty whack! Now give the frog a loan!”
What do you call an Asi*n banker with no friends?
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Why didn’t my banker like my bank joke?
It didn’t make cents.
Did you hear about the guy who tried to rob a bank with a statue?
It was a bust.
Why did the tightrope walker go to the bank?
To check his balance.
What did the tree do when the bank closed?
Started its own branch.
A bank is being robbed by two gunmen. Everything went smoothly, quickly, and quietly. However, before exiting the bank, one gunman stops another and says, “Hey, what kind of robbery is it if no one is injured or killed?”
“You’re right, kill that woman over there!” says the other gunman.
“What’s your name?” says the gunman to the cashier.
The woman feebly replies, “Sofia.”
The gunman says to another, “I can’t kill her since my wife has the same name.”
The other gunman says, “Then kill that kid that’s sitting beside her.”
The other guy asks the kid, “What’s your name?”
The kid replies, “Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia.”
Why do bankers make really good musicians?
They have all the notes.
What’s a banker’s favorite rock song?
How Do I Get You ALoan.
Why are bankers sad?
Because they’re loanly.
Why did the fisherman become a banker?
He knew all about net worth.
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
To be wanted.
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What starts with 0 and ends with 0?
A dead broke’s bank account.
What’s common between your mental health and your bank account?
Both are considered fund-a-mental to a successful life.
Why do bankers make really bad movies?
They’re tellers, not showers.
One morning at a bank, a robber pulled out a gun, pointed it at a teller, and said, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”
The puzzled teller asked, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history’?”
The robber replied, “Don’t change the subject!”
What do you call a flawless bank robbery with no fingerprints left behind?
How do you know that your banking app gives you lots of positive feedback?
Every time you log in it tells you that your balance is outstanding.
How did Doctor Octopus rob a bank without a gun?
He was well armed.
A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.
“Okay, miss, is there anything you’d like to use as collateral?” the banker inquires.
The lady says, “Of course, yes. I’ll drive in my Rolls Royce.”
Stunned, the banker inquires, “A Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.
When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?”
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” the woman responds.
Why do police talk to bankers a lot?
Because they are “persons of interest.”
Why did the bison go to the bank?
To take out a buffaloan.
What do Electricians and Bankers have in common?
They both deal with alternating currency.
Why did the bank manager leave his wife?
He lost interest in her.
Why did the one-legged man go to the bank?
To check his balance.
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A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, “Three million.”
“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace.”
Did you hear about the bird that held up a bank?
It was a robin’.
Did you hear about the frog that robbed a bank?
You can say he Kermitted a crime.
Why did one lose their bank job on the first day?
This lady asked him to check her balance so he pushed her over.
Why can’t bankers cook?
There’s no accounting for taste.
Why are Irish bankers so successful?
Because their capital’s always Dublin.
Every day, a teenage boy deposits one million dollars into his bank account. Mrs Mary, the bank manager, asks him one day for the source of all the money he’s depositing “I win it through gambling,” he says, “and no one can win that much money so consistently through gambling.” “Wanna see a proof?” he asks. “How about we place a $1,000 bet that I’ll kiss my eye right here?” “That’s impossible, okay I accept,” the boy says as he removes his fake eye, kisses it, and returns it, saying, “Hand me my $1,000, please.”
Mrs Mary became enraged and decided to gamble again the next day, so she demanded a rematch.
“Ok, do you bet on 3000$ that I’ll lick my ear?” She thoroughly examined his ears, and after making sure they were real she accepted, so the boy removed his fake tongue and licked his ear the next day, Mrs Mary requested a rematch, but no cheap tricks this time “ok, I bet 5000$ that you have pierced nipples”
“Ha, no,” Mrs Mary yelled as she removed her top and exposed her unpierced b**bs, “Fair enough, here’s your 5000$, now allow me to collect my money,” and she was perplexed as all the bank employees were paying the boy, “What have you done this time?” she asked, “Oh, I bet each of them $10,000 that I’ll make you flash me.”
Did you hear about the rival bankers?
There was a conflict of interest.
Why was Mr Dolphin’s bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan.
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What happened to the Archaeologists that just excavated an ancient bank?
It put them in financial ruin.
Why is it hard to buy stuff in winter?
The bank account is frozen.
What kind of p*rn do bankers watch?
“I want to open a freaking checking account,” a rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller. “We don’t tolerate language like that here,” the teller says, upset. The man inquires “What’s the freaking issue? It’s not like anyone gives a damn!”
The teller then walks away without saying anything, going to speak with the manager about how to deal with this man. Hearing the story, the manager returns to the man to determine the source of the problem.
After questioning the man, he replies “There is no freaking issue. All I want to do is cash my $10 million lottery check and deposit it in this godd*mn bank!”
“Oh, and is this b*tch over here causing you any problems, sir?” says the manager.
Why are bankers known for being great lovers?
Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals.
Why are bank robbers in the UK so strong?
They’ve lifted a million pounds.
Did you hear about the guy that robbed banks and his getaway “vehicle” was a baby sheep?
He’s still on the lamb.
Did you all hear about the midget, psychic that robbed a bank?
He’s a small medium at large.
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Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn plan a bank robbery. “Remember the plan,” Ivy says to Harley.
“No problem, no problem!” She says this as she walks into the bank. Ivy is waiting in the stolen vehicle. Time moves on. Five minutes…ten minutes… Ivy becomes concerned…fifteen… Suddenly, Harley bursts out of the bank, dragging a rope-bound safe behind her. The guard comes running out behind her, his pants down.
Ivy groans, “Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!”
Why can’t you play monopoly with 4 Jews?
You can’t have 4 banks.
What is the difference between a stalker and an admirer?
The number of zeroes in your bank account.
What’s the difference between a piggy bank and a cop?
You have to look out for the pig in uniform.
Why couldn’t the bank robbers steal £2000?
Because it was a ton.
Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.
It’s not funny business these days to purposefully nurture more smiles and humour among your teams and customers. It’s good for business. Hope you liked these jokes about banking.