60 Funny Stock Market Jokes And Puns for Shares of Smiles

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Jessica Amlee

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Stock markets, representing the complex world of finance, are a battleground of analysis, predictions, and sometimes, pure luck. They are financial institutions where shares of publicly held companies are issued, bought, and sold. It’s an intricate universe of bulls and bears, IPOs, short selling, and high-frequency trading. Now, where there is complexity and high stakes, there’s room for humor. The inherent unpredictability of the stock market has inspired a plethora of jokes that serve as a welcome relief from the intense world of stocks and shares.

Stock market jokes are popular due to their unique blend of humor and insight into this high-stakes game. They often present realistic scenarios in a hilariously exaggerated way, bringing out the irony, the unpredictability, and sometimes, the sheer absurdity of the market’s workings. From puns about the unpredictability of the market to jokes about the harsh realities of losses, stock market humor adds a much-needed sprinkle of laughter to the tense world of finance.

Best Stock Market Jokes

Why did the loner buy some stocks?
It’s nice to have a bit of company.

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market?
A tall medium who shorts.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Dow Jones.
(Dow Jones who?)
Dow Jones you wish you bought some shares earlier when the price was low?

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes.

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner!”
“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market.”

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?
Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there.

Who was the most successful investor?
Noah. He floated stock, while everything else around him went into liquidation.

What’s the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?
Invest a billion dollars.

Yo mama so fat when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor, but classy if you’re rich?
Manipulating the stock market.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Bear who?)
Bear with me, I think the market’s about to take a dip!

Recommended: Investment Jokes

Don’t think that buying shares in a company means you get a say in how it’s run.
The company probably issued a billion shares and you’ve only got one. Which means it’s nanoyourbusiness.

Did you hear the one about the Stockbroker who got a job at the GAP?
He’s a shorts-seller.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?
A SPYfall.

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW.
As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall Street types are all alike. Just worried about your f*cking status symbols. You’re so busy whining about your damn BMW that you haven’t even noticed that your whole arm was ripped off by the crash.” The stock broker looked down at bleeding shreds of flesh hanging where his left arm once was and screamed, “Oh my God! Oh my God! My Rolex!”

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?
The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

What’s different between stock market and statistics?
Some people do get statistics.

Yo mama so fat when she went to Wall Street, the stock market crashed.

Why should you always invest in corn?
The stocks always go up.

Why do the investors make so much noise when working
Because otherwise it won’t be a sound investment.

Recommended: Banking Jokes

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.
One moans to another, “With how bad my portfolio’s been performing lately, I’d have better luck investing in my own failure!”
His companion looks to him and says, “Don’t think like that. Failure is not an option.”

Why don’t people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?
Because their money is tied up in bonds.

Why is the stock market like a guy with IBS?
All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Chicken Stock was KFC’s share market.

What do you call a stock market crash in Japan?
The ‘My Yen’ Apocalypse.

Did you hear about that brilliant Irish investor?
His money just keeps Dublin.

A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.
The father says, “Well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”
The son says, “How does that make any sense?”
The father replies, “Cause anything I invest money in f*cking tanks.”

How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?
Buy high sell higher.

Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.

Yo mana so stupid, she tried to walk into the stock market.

What falls, but never needs a bandage?
Stock market.

Have you heard about PETA who is a successful investor?
In the laughing stock market.

A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.
“Baby, buy, bi, bye.”

What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye?
An Invest-igator.

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.
Welcome to the world of high fiance.

Yo mama so dumb, when they asked her why it jingles when she walks, she said it’s because she invests in ‘penny socks.’

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!
Just invest in the British stock market.

Why did the tent company get no investors?
It was tough to pitch.

There are two day traders looking at the commodity stocks for office supplies on their computers. “What’s the movement on desks and chairs?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Um, that’s moving up,” says the second. “We should get into it.”
“Okay, what about stocks for desktop computers? Are they moving?” says the first.
“Yep, they’re dropping,” says the second. “We’ve got to sell that off.”
“Okay, what about paper? Is that moving?” says the first.
“Paper? No,” says the second. “Paper is stationery.”

Did you guys hear about the investment broker that retired to run a celery farm?
It seems he made a killing on the stalk market.

What do you call someone who buys and sells shrimp?
A Prawn Broker.

Why does the Dalai Lama love to play the stock market?
He loves Tibet.

What do you call a stockbroker who is an organ donor?
An inside trader.

Where does a brick find things of interest?
Wall Street.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
Now the man further announced that he would buy monkeys for $ 200. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to work on their farms.
Next, the mysterious man increased his offer to $ 250 for each money, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
Now the man now announced that he was going to negotiate a large order for monkeys and that we were willing to buy monkeys for $ 500 each! However as he had to go to the city for business, his assistant would now buy monkeys on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $ 350 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell the same to him for $ 500 each.
“The villagers got all their savings, borrowed money from friends and relatives and bought all the monkeys they could. Thereafter, then they never saw the mysterious man or his assistant, only monkeys were everywhere!
That’s stock market!!!

What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common?
They prefer liquid environments.

What did they name Game of Thrones’ first stock exchange?

Why did the stock broker quit his job to become a baker?
He overheard some great advice, “BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!”

What did the Female stock market say to the Male stock market?

Where does 007 invest his money?
Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man, and reinvested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money in our future because I love you so much,
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest t*ts.

Why did the stock broker not get upset when his wife divorced him?
Because he’s got lots of options.

What’s a stock broker’s favorite band?
Green Day.

Did you hear about the investor who bought and sold stocks in a vat of apple juice?
He’d been doing in-cider trading.

Where can you get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.

Sherlock Holmes and three passers-by
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are walking over the London Bridge. Sherlock Holmes says, “I bet I can convince the next three passers-by to jump off the bridge.” Dr. Watson accepts the bet.
They see the first passer-by. “Mister, you are an Englishman.” “Yes.” “You are going to the stock exchange.” “Yes.” “Did you know that the stock market crashed?” “My God!” He jumps off the bridge.
They see the second passer-by. “Monsieur, you are a Frenchman.” “Oui.” “You are going home from a woman.” “Oui.” “Did you know that she has the pox?” “Mon Dieu!” He jumps off the bridge.
They see the third passer-by. “Gospodin, you are a Russian.” “Da.” “Did you know that it is strictly prohibited to jump off the bridge here?” “I don’t give a damn!” He jumps off the bridge.

What do you call it when an investor becomes a bodybuilder?
Capital gainz.

Did you hear about the man who bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business?
He is the main stakeholder.

How did the Giant become so wealthy?
His bean stock grew.

A wealthy man comes home and says to his wife.
“I lost my fortune in the stock market crash. We have to change our lifestyle. For instance, if you learn how to cook, we can fire the chef.”
“All right,” she says. “If you learn how to f*ck, we can fire the gardener too.”

Did you hear about the dentist that was swapping teeth for stock tips?
He was arrested for incisor trading.

How is the stock market like a woman?
When she goes down, you buy more.

What did the Chinese man say while dressing before going to work at the stock market?
”Time for me to go in vest!”

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?
Ask them the opposite of bull.

Why the stock market is like sex?
You just need to know when to pull out.

Why don’t hedge funder investors jerk off?
You don’t need to jerk off when you’re already f*cking millions of people.

Why did the brothel run out of money?
Because all of the investors pulled out.

Do you have a funny Stock Market joke? Write down your own Stock Market puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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