60 Funny Credit Card Jokes to Crack You Up at Checkout

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Jessica Amlee

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Credit cards, those shiny little rectangles in your wallet, are like magic wands for shopping. They can make money appear out of thin air (well, at least until the bill comes). They’re the adult version of “Ask and you shall receive,” but instead of asking, you swipe. These cards come in all sorts of fancy colors and designs, just to make spending money a bit more fun. But here’s the kicker: every time you swipe, you’re playing a mini-game of ‘How will I pay this back?’ It’s like a financial version of hide and seek, where your money hides and your bills seek. And what could be more amusing than turning your financial adventures into a collection of credit card jokes?

But don’t worry, dear friends, since fun thrives even in the midst of financial wizardry! Enter the lovely world of credit card jokes and puns so corny that even the toughest banker would crack a smile, one-liners as sharp as the interest rates on your late amount, and enough relevant comedy to make you exclaim, “Been there, swiped that, maxed out the limit.” So, credit card warriors, brace up, because we’re about to enter the funny underbelly of plastic paradise!

Best Credit Card Jokes

What do you call a country that doesn’t use credit cards?
A Czech Republic.

What did Lil Jon say when his credit card transaction was denied?

Why can’t I figure out why my credit card keeps getting declined?
Every time I log into my account online, it says “I have an outstanding balance!”

Yo mama so rich, when they stole her credit card to pay off their student debt she didn’t even notice.

What’s big, black, and steal your credit card?
Sony Playstation 4.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Bill who?)
Bill you owe for our credit card!

Did you hear about the credit card company that sends a camouflaged bull?
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

What’s the most powerful card in FIFA Ultimate Team?
Your credit card.

Do you think nobody cares whether you’re alive?
Try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Old Man: Do you take credit cards here?
Cashier: We do!
Old Man: Do you give them back?

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Why is a wife like a new credit card?
0% interest for 12 months.

Yo mama so fat, when the doctor asked for her weight the doctor told her, “I want your weight, not your credit card number.”

How is a remote control similar to a credit card?
Both are always being used or denied!

Why does Dora the Explorer love chip credit cards?
There’s no more swiping.

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?
Because he applied for a MasterCard.

Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Man: Cause the thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: Well, I think now the thief’s wife has started to use it.

Yo mama just signed up for a 12-month membership at a gym.
The bank called wondering if her credit card had been stolen.

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.
The girl takes his credit card.

There are three dimensions to credit cards.
Length, width, and debt.

What kind of offense is not paying your credit card debt?
A Capital One.

What do Trump and a maxed-out credit card have in common?
They both deny all charges.

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Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
Boss: Which 4?
Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card.

Did you hear about this completely broke farmer?
The other day he tried buying fertilizer on his only credit card and it was declined. He literally can’t buy sh*t.

In my credit card statement, there was an extra $666 charge written in tiny fonts,
As usual, the devil is in the details.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card?

Yo mama so old, her credit card has Roman numerals on it.

A tangent applied for a credit card but was denied.
He couldn’t find anyone willing to cosine.

Dentist: This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?
Patient: Yes, I’m ready.
Dentist: Cash or credit card?

Do you know what happened to the credit card that slipped on the floor?
It got out of balance.

For Halloween, Uncle is gonna be a credit card.
Because he is always getting denied.

Yo mama so stupid, when border patrol asked for her visa, she pulled out a credit card.

Why do vultures have a credit card with airline perks?
They get free carrion.

Mr. Jacob called the FM radio station and said, “I’ve found a wallet with $400, a credit card, and an ID card belonging to Mr. Dave, No.13, Halls Rd, Jackson, TN.” To which the radio jockey says, “Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned to him?”
Mr. Jacob says, “No, I just wanted you to play a sad song for him.”

Why is hot Mexican food like a credit card?
You pay for it the next day.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger call his workshop to decrease credit card debt?
“Hasta la Visa, Baby.”

Did you hear about the lady who lost her credit card in the washing machine?
It’s laundered money now.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions!

  • My credit card number
  • My social security number
  • Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

What did the nut salesman who only accepted credit cards say?
Cash? Ew!

What do a dead battery and a maxed-out credit card have in common?
They both decline the charges.

What is the preferred credit card for Mexicans?
Capital Juan.

On a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

Did you know Tesla is making a credit card?
Heard that it’s worthless if you don’t charge it!

What do you call a credit card on a train?
American Express.

What do you call a singer without a credit card?
Johnny Cash.

Yo mama so broke, her credit card came in the mail predeclined.

Bob won a million dollars the other day so his asked him what will he do with his winnings.
Bob said, “Probably pay off my credit card debt.”
His friend asked, “What about the rest of it?”
Bob says, “Well I suppose it’ll get paid off eventually.”

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?
It’s the only time they get asked to ‘please insert’.

What’s 3 inches long and pleases all women?
A credit card.

Some people play the s*xist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?
My credit card.

A beaver goes on a blind date and meets a platypus.
Things are going well, and they’re really enjoying each other’s company. Finally, they’re all done and they ask the waiter for the check.
The beaver pulls out his credit card and the platypus says, “Put that away, the bills on me.”

The Cashier said, “Strip down, facing me!”
By the time this man knew the cashier meant the credit card, it was too late.

Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer?
Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

What does your APR credit card have in common with your wife giving me a bl*wjob?
No interest until 2025.

Our neighbor just discovered that the kids next door stole his credit card to pay for their mom’s b**b job.
Just wait till he gets his hands on them!

How is your credit card like your p*nis?
If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don’t be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn’t go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
Also, your credit card is less than 4 inches long.

This guy found out someone opened a credit card in his name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf p*rn!
He thinks that he is a victim of identity Freud.

How is your s*x life like my credit card?
It expired a long time ago.

Did you hear that a defaulter’s credit card?
It is like a stripper. There isn’t much on it.

How is spreading legs a lot like spreading butter?
You can do it with a credit card, but it’s much easier with a knife.

Do you have a funny joke about Credit Cards? Write down the puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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