30 Funny Teddy Bear Jokes to Bear-urst Into Laughter

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Jessica Amlee

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Teddy bears, the ultimate in plush diplomacy and the fuzzy counselors of our childhood. These cuddly diplomats have brokered more bedtime peace treaties than the UN has in its entire history. With their round bellies, beady eyes, and the ability to pull off a bow tie better than James Bond, teddy bears are more than just a heap of stuffing and faux fur. They’re our confidants, imaginary conversationalists, and let’s face it—the ones who patiently listen to us practice pick-up lines before the big date.

Now, how do you make a teddy bear even more heartwarming? Easy—arm it with some Teddy Bear Jokes. That’s right, on National Teddy Bear Day—yes, it’s a thing, celebrated every September 9th—teddy bears all over break out their best one-liners, possibly to distract us from realizing we forgot their special day. What did the teddy bear say after dinner? “I’m stuffed!” What do you call a bear with no teeth? A “gummy bear!”

These jokes may be as corny as the stuffing inside our beloved teddies, but hey, that’s the stuff nostalgia is made of. So on National Teddy Bear Day, let’s not just hug our teddies but let’s laugh with them too, because every bear loves a good belly laugh!

Best Teddy Bear Jokes

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear, “Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?”
The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear. Why?
Because he is unable to take a pooh.

What do they do at the teddy bear factory?

Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don’t wanna get ripped.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Stuffed who?)
Stuffed you, I’m a teddy bear!

What are teddy bear poops called?

When a man is poor and fat, he’s a fat ass. When a man is rich and fat, what is he?
“My cute chubby teddy bear!”

What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep. Horror night is when your teddy bear hugs you back.

Yo mama so Russian her teddy bear is real.

A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.

How did the Space Teddy Bear cross the road?

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk.
The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.
The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to near death. This bear was rather cowardly and immediately panicked, which the criminal noticed. He walked over and picked up the bear making threats toward it. The bear swore it would be silent on the matter, and never said anything to anyone.
Time passed and the bear was noticed by a stray dog, who took an interest in it. The teddy bear could sense that it was about to be eaten and ran away while the dog chased it. The dog eventually caught up to the bear and took only an arm before walking away dissatisfied. The bear was in terrible pain but remembered something that might help him. He immediately went to the police and reported the criminal he had seen previously.
When the police went to the criminal’s location they discovered a lot of illegal evidence. They arrested him on the spot and thanked the bear. However, the bear was not interested in praise and immediately went to the cuffed criminal.
“Before you go away, can you fix me up?”
“Why would I do that?” The criminal responded.
“Well I lost my arm, and you told me that snitches get stitches.”

What happened when the teddy bear got punched?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

What do an aggressive teddy bear and this joke have in common?
The punch is pretty weak.

What do you call a teddy bear who rides a bike everywhere?
Schwinnie The Pooh.

Why couldn’t the teddy bear smell?
Because his nose was stuffed.

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site.
The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.
The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evening, the teddy bear clocks off, and leaves his tools in the site shed.
The next morning the teddy bear is back at work bright and early, but almost as soon as he arrives he goes up to the foreman.
“Sir, I’ve got a problem. I left my kit here overnight, and someone has taken the pick. I’ve still got the shovel and the hard hat and the safety jacket, but the pick’s gone.”
The foreman thinks for a moment, then slaps his head and looks at the calendar, then says
“Of course, today’s Tuesday. Sorry, I should have warned you… Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”

How do you start a teddy bear race?
“Ready, teddy, GO!”

How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put him on stilts!

Why did the teddy bear get kicked out of school?
Because he kept pawsing the class!

What do you call a teddy bear who’s good at baseball?
A cub player!

Why did the teddy bear get promoted?
Because he was ‘bear-y’ good at his job!

Recommended: Barbie Jokes

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her, they kiss and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
“Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

What’s brown, furry and red?
A blushing teddy bear.

What do you call a teddy bear who’s lost his fur?

What do you call a teddy bear who’s been out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.

Do you want to know what happened to the suicidal teddy bear?
He couldn’t do it he was too soft.

Do you have a funny teddy bear joke? Write down your own teddy bear puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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