Jokes

120 Funny Woman Jokes That You Cannot Share With A Lady

Created on:

Jessica Amlee

No Comments

Women are quite the marvels with their multitasking prowess and fashion-savvy minds. Ever noticed how a woman’s wardrobe seems like a treasure trove with endless options, yet the classic dilemma remains: “What to wear?” Their skills don’t stop at fashion; they’re ace detectives when it comes to decoding texts and expressions, giving Sherlock Holmes a run for his money. This knack for detail and flair for the dramatic makes the world of woman jokes a delightful playground of humor and wit.

Diving into woman jokes, we enter a world as vibrant as a woman’s shopping spree. These jokes playfully poke fun at the charming quirks of women, like their epic quest to pick the perfect restaurant or their elephant-like memory for long-past events. These light-hearted jests are like affectionate teases, acknowledging the unique and amusing traits that make women so fascinating. They offer a humorous glimpse into the enigma of what really goes on in a woman’s mind, wrapped in laughter and good spirits.

Best Woman Jokes

How do you know that Google is a woman?
You can’t even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.


Why is arguing with a woman like reading a software license agreement?
In the end, you ignore it all and click “I agree”.


What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
“Thank you for your cervix.”


What would happen if women ruled the world?
There would be no war. Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.


Why should you never treat a woman like an object?
It hates that.


What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong.


A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman.
“And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”


How are women like grenades?
Remove the ring and your house is gone.


What’s the difference between a woman and a dog?
Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones are happy to see you afterwards.


The seven stages of a woman’s life:
Baby.
Little girl.
Preteen.
Teen.
Young woman.
Young woman.
Young woman.


What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.


Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.


What do you call a woman who mistreats men?
Miss Andrea.


If God was a woman.
Not only are you going to hell, you’ll never know why.


Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they’ve been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.


What weighs more: 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?
The woman. They always lie about their weight.


What do you call a woman who’s really good at darts?
Amy.


What does every woman have that starts with a V, that she can use to get what she wants?
Her voice.


How are women are alot like continents?
At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she’s like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she’s like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she’s like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she’s like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she’s like Australia- everybody knows it’s down there, but nobody cares.


Why women should not have children after 36?
Really, 36 children are enough.


A woman asks her husband, “Did you marry me because my father died and left me a fortune?”
And her husband says, “Of course not! I would have married you no matter who left you the money.”


Recommended: Husband Store Jokes


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s libido by 95%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.


Why are women and children evacuated first?
So we can think about a solution in silence.


What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.


The woman says to her husband, “If I had known you were so poor, I wouldn’t have married you.”
The husband replied, “But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life.”


What do you call a woman who travels to other countries?
Abroad.


Why do you never buy a woman a watch?
Because there’s a clock on the stove.


What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?
A widow.


What do women and forklifts have in common?
If you don’t have one, you gotta unload by hand.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”


Companies that consider themselves modern often have a ‘diversity officer’. Why is that role always done by a woman?
Because it is cheaper.


What do you call a woman with a yeast infection and a sense of humor?
A fun-gal.


What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.


What do you call a woman who tells dad jokes?
A faux pas.


Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and go to the fridge.


What do you call men who make “Women belong in the kitchen” jokes?
Single.


A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days.
When she woke up, the doctor told her, “Congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you!”
The woman replied, “No not him! What did he name the boy?”
The doctor said, “Mason!”
The woman said, “Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How about the girl?”
The doctor said, “Madaughter!”


What starts with P ends in S, and no woman can get enough of?
Pockets!


Why do they say ‘amen’ instead of ‘a woman’ at the end of songs at church?
Cause they’re hymns not hers.


They say a woman’s work is never done.
Maybe that’s why they get paid less.


How long does a man have to tickle a woman before it becomes hentai?
Long enough for ten tickles.


Why do trans women go by she/her?
Because if they went by her/she they’d be chocolate.


Recommended: Jokes About Trans


A woman goes in front of a judge.
The judge said, “Why are you here today?”
She said, “I stole a can of peaches.” The judge said, “How many peaches are in the can?”
She said, “Six.” The Judge said, “Ok, you spend six days in jail then.”
The lady’s husband quickly stood up and asked the judge if he could speak on her behalf. “Sure,” said the judge.
“She stole a can of peas too!”


Why are the majority of archeologists women?
They have a natural ability to dig up the past.


Why do women have cleaner minds than men?
Because they change theirs more often.


What do you call a woman who has 4 sons that are all CEOs?
An executive producer.


What do women and hurricanes have in common?
When they come, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car.


A lot of women are turning into good drivers.
So, if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women!


Why did God create childbirth?
To give women the chance to experience what it’s like for a guy to catch a cold.


What do you call a woman with no arms or legs?
Carrie.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.


What does the ‘r’ in women stand for?
Rights.


A woman is addicted to pretending to be a nun.
She just can’t lose the habit.


International Women’s Day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes,
Period.


Recommended: Funny International Women’s Day Jokes


Do you know that women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity?
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.


Why don’t women work at the post office?
It’s a mail dominated industry.


What do you call a woman that takes care of owls?
A hootin-nanny.


Why do men fart more often than women?
Because women don’t close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.


Why do women live longer than men?
They’re not married to women.


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again, she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay… How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonald’s.”


What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?
Their knees.


Why do women talk less in February?
There’s only 28 days this month.


Women have eggs and milk in them.
And they say that they don’t belong in the kitchen.


Why are men statistically more likely to drown than women?
Because women are boyn’t.


Why did the feminists cross the road?
It doesn’t matter. Women have the right to cross roads without having their motives questioned.


Recommended: Jokes About Feminist


What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing, they’re fine.


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer,
Than the men who mention it.


A woman wants to get a birthday gift for her husband, an avid sailor and amateur astronomer.
She goes to a sporting goods store and asks whether they have a sextant.
The clerk says, “Look, lady, we have all kinds of tents, but what you do in them is your business.”


Why can’t two women play Monopoly together?
There’s only one iron.


Women can be s*xist too
It’s just that men are better at it like everything else.


What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


Why didn’t women play the lute in medieval times?
Because they got minstrel cramps.


Which is more important to women, length or girth?
Turns out it’s consent.


Women say they like a man who is ‘funny’ and ‘spontaneous’.
But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it’s all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.


It’s the first day of college, and the girls are finishing up orientation with the Dean of Women.
“In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you’ll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?”
“Now,” the Dean says, “Are there any questions?”
“Yeah,” says a voice from the back. “How do you make them last an hour?”


Why can’t married women aim?
Cause she mrs.


Why are women irrational during periods?
Ovary-acting.


Recommended: Jokes About Period


Both men and women go to the gym to have the same thing.
A perfect female body.


Why don’t women in Arabic countries need car insurance?
Because they are already covered.


Did you hear about Five Guys restaurants not serving women anymore?
Apparently they fired one guy, so now it’s Four Guys only.


Why do mitochondria hate women?
Because they’re in cells.


A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!” he exclaims.
The wife, startled by her husband’s intense reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!” he continues.
The wife, now concerned about her husband’s mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!” he shouts.
The wife runs to the fri-
“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh, not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!”
At this point, the wife starts crying, as she has no idea what to do.
She gasps, “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.”
The husband simply smiles, remarks, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car,” and leaves.


A new study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer,
Than the men who mention it.


Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?
Because of their Auntie-bodies.


How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her.


What do you call a sword only used by women?
A broadsword.


What hospital extension do you call for women going into labor?
Dial 8.


Recommended: Jokes About Tampon


Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped on a deserted island but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.
On the first day, the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can’t make it and swims back.
On the second day, the redhead tries. She makes it about 1/3 of the way before she realizes she is too tired and will not make it, so she swims back.
On the third day, the blonde attempts. She swims 1/2 way before she realizes she is too tired and so she swims back.


What do women call men who are shorter than 5’7″?
Friends.


A woman got hit in the head by a can of soda.
Thank goodness it was a soft drink.


Cleopatra might not be the prettiest woman ever.
But that’s how Julius Ceaser.


What do you do with a woman mathematician who wants to run for office?
Nominator.


Why do women refer to unfaithful men as dogs?
They should be called cheetah’s.


A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water.
“Boy it’s a scorcher out there,” she says to the bartender. “Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here.”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry about it,” the bartender replies. “It’s probably just womb temperature.”


What is the opposite of woman’s finger?
Mentos.


What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.


What do you call a gorgeous woman winning a race?
Pretty fast.


What do you get for the woman who has everything?
A divorce, then she’ll only have half of everything.


Why did the woman divorce the grape?
She was tired of raisin kids.


How often are women grumpy and irritable?
Periodically.


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their a**es and the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn’t trade him for the world.


What do you call a social media platform for elderly single women?
Spinstergram.


What kind of makeup do women race car drivers wear?
Nascara.


What do you call a woman outside her country?
A broad.


What do you call a woman who cost you a fortune on the first date?
YOU DON’T!


What do you call a woman with a peanut allergy?
Anna Phylaxis.


How do women communicate?
Through Femail.


A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally, the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Thank God! They’re finally together!”
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”


What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer is much easier to turn on.


What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.


A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight.
She wasn’t caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.


What’s the difference between a woman and a toddler at bedtime?
You can negotiate with a toddler.


What document does a woman need in order to prove that her breasts are real?
A certificate of authentiTitty.


What do you call a pregnant woman who goes swimming?
A human submarine.


How do you please a woman in bed?
Let her sleep.


When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body.
Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


Do you have a funny joke about women? Write down the puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

Leave a Comment