We never feel like a more vital part of the universe than when we can provide a lady with an emergency tampon. Every month, The Moon Time arrives on time to ruin your plans, bedsheets, favorite underwear, and ruin your mood with period cramps. And do you know what the only consolation is while suffering under The Red Curse? No, it’s not chocolate; it’s a tampon. So start scrolling for the bloody best jokes and, if you have the energy, add your own tampon jokes.
Best Tampon Jokes
Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?
None. They’re all stuck up c*nts.
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
When she can’t find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
Why do women’s prisons give out tampons on release day?
Because all sentences should end with a period.
Yo mama so fat she uses sheep for tampons.
Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?
Because they last for three periods.
You bloody well know who I am.
What’s the difference between a cowboy hat and a tampon?
Cowboy hats are for assholes.
What do you tell a girl who won’t stop asking for a tampon?
Put a sock in it.
Do you know some are decorating their Xmas tree with tampons?
For the Christmas period.
Do you ever feel like a tampon?
In a good place, but at the wrong time.
What do elephants use as tampons?
Why do elephants have trunks?
Sheep don’t have strings.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress for a tampon.
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
After a few years, they split up. The man says, “I want my fucking blood back.”
The wife throws a tampon at him and says, “I’ll pay monthly.”
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
What is your favorite mythological creature?
The happy bitch in tampon commercials.
If SpongeBob is absorbent and lives in bikini bottom.
then pretty sure that makes him a tampon.
Did you hear about the tampon shortage in the US?
Someone needs to pull some strings.
Two young boys entered a pharmacy, selected a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout line.
“Son, how old are you?” the man behind the counter inquired of the older boy.
“Eight,” the boy said.
“Do you know what these are used for?” the man continued.
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him… He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
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Why do tampons have strings?
So vampires don’t burn their fingers while making tea.
Have you heard about Tampax’s announcement for Christmas only?
They will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel.
Have you heard that they’re making a movie about the invention of the tampon?
It’s a period piece.
A young man goes to a large department store to look for work. “Do you have any sales experience?” the manager inquires. “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas,” the kid says.
The boss, on the other hand, liked the kid and gave him the job. “You begin tomorrow. I’ll drop by after we finish and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was difficult, but he kept it going. The boss arrived after the store had been closed. “Can you tell me how many sales you made today?” “One,” the kid says. “Just one?” says the boss. Our salespeople make 20 to 30 sales per day on average. “How much did the sale cost?”
“$101,237.64,” says the kid. “$101,237.64?” says the boss. “What in the world did you sell?”
“First, I sold him a small fish hook,” says the kid. After that, I sold him a medium fish hook. After that, I sold him a bigger fish hook. After that, I sold him a new fishing rod. When I asked where he was going fishing, he said down at the coast, so I told him he’d need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said his Honda Civic wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?” said the boss.
“No, he came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing,” the kid explained.
Do you know why women wear tampons when they go sky diving?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Have you heard they’re making Christmas-themed tampons?
They’re for the festive period.
How do you put out a flaming maxi-pad?
You Tampon it.
Remember the cat who loves the tampon you give him to play with?
It totally absorbs him.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head and says, “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?” asks the bartender.
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea,” explained the bartender.
Took my wife an hour to find a tampon
I knew she had it in her.
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Where does a chemist store tampons?
In the periodic table.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste, and tampons?
Why wasn’t the Jedi in training allowed to use tampons?
She was only a PADawan.
Three new inmates are thinking about their life sentences in prison.
The first man takes out a deck of cards and says, “Don’t be concerned, gentlemen. I brought these cards with me so that we could pass the time by playing poker.”
“I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling down,” the second guy says, pulling out a harmonica.
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.
“What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?” ask the first two.
The third explains, “Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, and play tennis with these.”
Did they ever tell you about how that guy made $1 million dollars selling used tampons?
It’s a real “rags to riches” story.
What do they call tampons in France?
What do they call tampons in Germany?
Why don’t felines use tampons?
Because they would be chasing the string the whole time.
A man walks into a pharmacy and strolls up and down the aisles. The saleswoman notices him and asks if she can assist him. He states that he’s looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She points him in the right direction. He places a large bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter a few minutes later. “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?” says the sales girl, perplexed.
The husband says, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she.”
Yo mama so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a getaway rope.
A woman visits a doctor with a tampon stuck inside her.
Doctor: So, how did this happen?
Woman: I’m not sure, I mean I didn’t get them from the store like usual, but I saw a special deal on eBay of a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for one dollar? Didn’t that strike you as suspiciously cheap?
Woman: I had the same thought, so I checked the entire listing, and it said plain and clear, “One hundred boxes of tampons for $1… no strings attached!”
Yo mama so fat, she uses sofa cushions for tampons.
At midnight, a 24-hour pharmacy receives a call. The caller inquires about the availability of tampons in the store. “Yes,” the pharmacist responds. “we have plenty of tampons.”
“So shove them in your ass,” says the caller before hanging up.
The pharmacist receives another call at midnight the following day. He informs the caller once more that he has a large stock of tampons. The caller responds by telling him to stuff all those tampons down his pants.
The phone rings again on the third night. The pharmacist picks up the phone angrily. The caller inquires, “Do you have tampons?” “No, I do not have tampons in the store,” yells the pharmacist on the phone.
“Well perhaps you shouldn’t have shoved them all in your ass then,” says the caller and hangs up.
Yo mama is so poor, she rolls her own tampons.
A gentleman in desperate need of the restroom was on an international flight to Japan.
All of the restrooms were occupied, with the exception of the ladies’ room in first class.
The stewardess, who was aware of his circumstance, suggested that he use the ladies’ room, but warned him that this was a Japanese toilet and that he should not use any of the buttons on it.
After taking care of any pressing matters, he looked around, his gaze fixed on the buttons. His curiosity got the best of him, and he decided to try the buttons anyway, despite the fact that they were marked in both English and Japanese.
He carefully pressed the first “WW” button, and warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He decided it was quite pleasant after the initial surprise and wondered what the others did.
He then pressed the “WA” button, and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hindquarters.
The “PP” button produced a large powder puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Naturally, he couldn’t resist the last button labeled “ATR.”
Later, he panicked when he awoke in the hospital and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he exclaimed, “What happened?! On a business trip, the last thing I remember is being in the ladies’ room!”
“Yes, I imagine you were having a great time until you pressed the ‘ATR’ button,” the nurse explained. “It stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”
Yo mama so fat and nasty, instead of using Tampons, she uses Ca. King Size Mattress
Two friends go to Vegas.
They, however, misplaced their wallets and now have only $8.00 between them.
“Give me the money, I have a great idea,” says the first friend.
He enters Walgreens and leaves with a bag.
The second friend takes it and looks inside, discovering a box of tampons. “That’s great, you piss away our last $8.00 on a box of tampons?” he says. “What should we do now?”
“You got it all wrong!” says the first friend. We’re going to have a great time, as the box says, we can go skydiving, horseback riding, skiing, rock climbing, we can do anything with these things!”
What is the difference between a ford and a tampon?
The tampon comes with a free tow rope.
A black man finds a nice-looking lamp at a garage sale.
When he takes it home and wipes it down, a genie appears and grants him one wish. He ponders it over for a while before declaring, “I want to be white and surrounded by p#ssy.”
The genie turns him into a tampon.
Do you have a funny tampon joke? Put your period puns and one-liners in the comment section!