20 Funny Husband Store Jokes Every Wife Will Relate To

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Jessica Amlee

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The age-old trope of husbands venturing to the store is one that, across many cultures, feels universally understood. It’s almost a rite of passage: the newlywed wife sends her husband on an errand to pick up a specific list of items. Whether it’s getting overwhelmed by the sheer variety of choices, picking up something entirely different from what was listed, or returning home hours later with a new gadget in tow, husbands and shopping can sometimes be like oil and water – they don’t always mix as planned.

Now, enter the realm of ‘Husband Store’ jokes. These comical tales play on the very idea of a store where wives can exchange, upgrade, or even return their husbands based on various humorous criteria. “Have you heard about the Husband Store? It has five floors, and as you go up, the husbands get better. But no woman’s ever made it past the third floor; they just keep hoping for something better on the next!” These jokes playfully rib the challenges and quirks of marital expectations, giving everyone a chuckle and maybe even a knowing nod of agreement. After all, humor is often found in the most familiar of places!

Funny Husband Store Jokes

Why did the woman go to the Husband Store?
She heard they had a no-return policy, and she was feeling optimistic!

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.
“Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”
Later on, he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says, “Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?”
He responded, “They had eggs.”

What’s the most popular product at the Husband Store?
The “Comes with a Remote Control” model.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in NYC, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These Men Have Jobs. She is intrigued but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good-looking. “Wow,” she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Why was the Husband Store next to the Wife Store?
So husbands can exchange parts and upgrade!

Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah.
Wife: No, I mean at the store.
Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there.

What did one customer say after leaving the Husband Store?
“I should’ve read the MANual before choosing!”

A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies. “Put them back, we can’t afford them”, demands the wife.
They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

Why did the woman bring her friends to the Husband Store?
She needed help carrying all the accessories!

A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice, he said, “Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door!”

The Husband Store’s newest model comes with “listening mode.”
But batteries are sold separately.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
“Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it… This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!

What did the Husband Store advertise for Black Friday?
“50% off on husbands – now comes with a mute button!”

A husband and wife’s last child goes off to college.
The husband’s friend asks him what it’s like having no kids around.
“It’s awful,” the husband says, “my wife now treats me like one of the kids. She’s started picking out my clothes. She tries to give me baths. At the grocery store, she slaps my hand any time I reach for something!”
“That’s awful! Have you ever stood up against her?”
“Well, yeah. One time in the store I got so angry I got out of the cart and left the store.”

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What’s the most popular model at the Wife Store?
The “Always Right” edition.

An older couple that has been married for 25 years was driving together to the grocery store. The wife reached over and smacked her husband upside the head.
“What the hell was that for?” he asks.
“That’s for 25 years of bad sex!” she replied.
The man thought about it for a while, and later on, they were walking through the grocery store when the man smacked the woman upside the head.
“What the hell was that for?” she asks.
“That’s for knowing the difference,” he replied.

What did the wife say at the Husband Store when she couldn’t make a decision?
“Is there a trial version I can take home?”

Do you have a funny husband store joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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