50 Funny Adoption Jokes for the Ever-Growing Family

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Jessica Amlee

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Adoption is like the ultimate episode of a reality show where families get custom-selected rather than being handed out by the genetic lottery. Adoptees often grow up with two origin stories: the one that began with their birth and the one that began with a family saying, “You’re the one.” It’s a unique journey, dotted with its own set of adventures—like responding to, “You look just like your mom,” with a cheeky, “You think so?”

So, why the chuckles around adoption jokes? Well, humor has a sneaky way of helping us process complex emotions and situations. Making light of adoption idiosyncrasies isn’t about minimizing the profound nature of the experience, but rather highlighting the relatable quirks that come with it. After all, who among us hasn’t wanted to play the “I’m adopted” card after being the only one in the family photo with a wildly different hairdo? It’s less about the adoption itself and more about the shared experiences, misunderstandings, and sometimes blunders of growing up in a world that loves to categorize.

In laughter, we find common ground, celebrating both our differences and the shared silliness of the human experience. Adopted or not, we’re all trying to find our place in the grand family portrait of life.

Best Adoption Jokes

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

Why did the backbencher decide to put his GPA up for adoption?
There’s no way he can raise it by himself.

The teacher of the first graders was discussing a picture of a family.
One little boy in the picture had a different color of hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.”
“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.
“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

An Olympic runner adopted 3 kids named Seth, Mark and Onya
One day there was a fire and he shouted, “ONYA, MARK, GET SETH AND GO.”

Why shouldn’t you adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids?
Instead, adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

What’s worse than being adopted?
Finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

Why couldn’t Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?
Because the shelter was non prophet.

Did you hear about that boxer who adopted a child from Asia?
It’s Mike’s Thai Son.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
You’re adopted.

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
So he could get a long little doggie.

Why don’t bananas ever adopt children?
Bananas foster.

Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!
They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch, it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.
Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.
This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branches and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.
The birds look at one another when the male bird says, “I think it’s time we tell him he is adopted.”

What do adopting a cat and being homeless have in common?
Getting your pick of the litter.

What’s the difference between puppies and orphans?
The puppies actually get adopted.

Recommended: Orphan Jokes

What do you call an old orange border collie who keeps getting passed up for adoption?
A melon collie.

Fred came home from University in tears.
“Mum, am I adopted?”
“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!” he replied.
“What do you mean?”
“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”
“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

What do you call it If a male owl’s sibling adopts a baboon?
Then owl be a monkey’s uncle.

Why did Jon Bon Jovi adopt Schrödinger’s cat?
Because it was wanted, dead or alive.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Not your parents.

Father: Son, you were adopted.
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

What does Diet Coke call Coca Cola after adoption?
Soda Pop.

Why did the old man adopt a new dog and named it “Twitter”?
Because it always followed him everywhere.

Why did the necromancer put the corpse up for adoption?
He couldn’t raise the dead.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
“How come you’ve never spoken before?“ asks his father.
“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

Did you hear about the Adopted children?
They are transparent.

Wife: Would you ever consider Adoption?
Husband: Only If you got pregnant.

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.
The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.
The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

Did you know that most people do not like the term kidnapping?
Surprise Adoption is appropriate.

A fortune-teller told this guy that in 10-15 years, he would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. He was so upset over learning this.
He decided to cheer myself up — He adopted a puppy, and I’ve never been happier!

A brother and a sister always got into fights.
One day the brother tells the sister, “Your adopted!” To which the sister yells back, “At least they wanted me!”

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next, though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

Did you hear that China doesn’t have animal adoption centers?
The closest things they have are kitchens and restaurants.

The Christian adoption agency was called Adam and Eve. What was the gay adoption agency called?
Johnson and Johnson a Family Company.

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country.
The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on. The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter
And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal. Unfortunately, this made the husband a bit jealous So one day, he loads the cat into his car and drives down the road, about 15 minutes, where he drops the cat off He comes back home only to find the cat sitting in the driveway. Odd. So he loads the cat into the car again and drives to the other side of town, about 45 minutes of driving, and drops the cat off there.
He gets back home and low and behold, the cat is in the driveway. He grumbles and curses loads the cat into the car again, and drives into the mountains, about a two-and-a-half-hour drive where he drops the cat off again.
He gets back home, and there is the cat yet again sitting in the driveway. He curses, stomps his feet, and yells, only to then proceed to load the cat into the car again. This time he drives through the mountains, the back roads, through several counties. After just hours upon hours of driving, he drops the cat off once again and leaves.
About 20 minutes into his drive home, he calls his wife on the phone.
“Honey, are you home right now?”
“I sure am!”
“Is your cat sitting in the driveway by any chance?”
“He sure is. Why?”
“Well put him on the phone, cause I’m lost.”

What’s the worst part of gay couples adopting kids?
The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of ‘go ask your mother.’

What do you call a Mexican in a two-story house?

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor.
unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot’s old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn’t let his dear sweet mother hear this foul-mouthed bird. So, he placed the bird in the freezer until he could get rid of his mom. They have some small talk and he is able to get her on her way. He runs back and lets the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot says, “Pardon me sir for my prior foul language. I promise you that it will never happen again.”
“Well good, thank you.”
“May I ask you a question?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“What did the chicken do?”

How did the father tell his kid he’s adopted?
“Son, I’m a virgin.”

The child asks his mother, “Do we have to adopt a donkey,” after seeing an advertisement on television about adopting an animal.
“No,” the mother answered, “but we decided to do it. We adopted you.”

There was a couple who hired a lovely lass for the maid job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
“But why?” asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, “Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”
The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”
“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.
“No,” she said, “there are just too many kids here to pick up after.”

An old lady walks into an adoption center.
The lady that runs the business says, “Oh, haven’t seen you in a long time!”

What did the adopted poker player say?
“Will you raise me?”

A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.
Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.
“How nice!” said the teacher.
“Yeah,” they agreed. “He’ll be talking in a couple of years and we want to be able to understand him!”

What flour do you give an orphan?
Self raising.

A lawyer, a spy, a money launderer, and a mob boss walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “You must be here to talk about adoption”.

Two parents want to adopt a child. So they head down to the adoption agency.
They say to the matron, “We’d like to adopt a child please.”
She responds, “Well, we only have one child left. And he’s a head.”
“He has no arms or legs. He’s really just a head, poor thing.”
But the new parents decide they want him anyway. So they take him home, and he has a great childhood. He does well in school, learns to overcome his disability, and his parents support him.
Eventually, he turns 21 and his dad takes him out for his first drink. They head up the hill to the local bar and take a seat.
The dad says, “Two beers please.”
The bartender gives them the drinks and the son enjoys his first beer. Then, poof! Two arms pop out. Two drunks sitting over at a nearby table yell, “Give ‘im another one! Give ‘im another one!”
So he has another beer and poof! Two legs pop out. Everyone celebrates, the son is dancing around and having a good time, when the drunks say, “Give ‘im another one!”
The son has another beer and poof! He disappears!
The two drunks look at each other and say, “He should have quit while he was a head.”

What do they call the lottery in Africa?
Celebrity adoption.

People say that adopted kids aren’t loved the same as biological kids.
You’d have to be pretty drunk to accidentally spend $40,000 at an adoption agency.

Isn’t weird for lesbian couples to adopt a child?
Which one is going to tell the dad jokes?!

Do you have a funny adoption joke? Write down your own adoption puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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