The boner is nature’s way of saying, “Hey, how YOU doin’?” It’s like the body’s own version of a thumbs-up, but way less appropriate at family gatherings or job interviews. Boners have had a starring role in awkward moments since the dawn of time—or at least since the first caveman saw a particularly voluptuous rock. Basically, a boner is just a penis pulling a Superman act, going from Clark Kent to the Man of Steel faster than you can say “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

Now let’s talk boner jokes, the comedic bread and butter of 13-year-olds and adults who refuse to act their age (you know who you are). These jokes thrive on the awkwardness, the untimeliness, and the sheer absurdity of boners appearing at the most inopportune moments. It’s like the universe’s way of saying, “Let’s make this situation even more uncomfortable, shall we?” And what’s not to love about that? So the next time you’re at a party, in a meeting, or sitting around a campfire, and you hear a boner joke, remember: Life might throw us curveballs—or in this case, straight arrows—but it’s our ability to laugh that keeps us human. Also, it’s always better to be the one cracking the boner joke rather than being the subject of one!

Best Boner Jokes

What’s a good advice for all men?
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout, “OH F*CK LOOK OVER THERE!” It’s all about the missed erection.

What do you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?
Mourning Wood.

What did the frog with a boner say?
Rubbit.

Isn’t it so awkward getting a boner during a prostate exam?
Especially when they realize you’re not a doctor.

What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.

Why is school like a boner?
It’s long and hard unless you’re Asian.

What do you call a guy who flicks a switch with his boner?
A hard-on.

An attractive Girl sits on a guy’s lap.
After a few seconds, the girl asks, “You don’t have a boner? How do you do it?”
The man replies, “It’s harder than you think.”

Did you hear about the man who got in a fight with his boner this morning?
Don’t worry he beat it single-handedly.

What’s the especially of the Most Beautiful Boner contest?
The competition is pretty stiff.

What do you call a dinosaur boner?
A T-Rexion.

What do a fly and a boner have in common?
You can’t go to sleep without whacking it.

What do you call it when Frankenstein’s Monster gets a boner?
A reserrection.

Has anyone heard of the movie where the guy dies with a boner?
Die Hard?!

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he sees her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarrassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise, she agrees almost instantly and they make plans. As soon as he hangs up he thinks, “shit, what am I gonna do, I’ll get a boner as soon as I see her and she’ll never talk to me again.”
So like a man, he finds the perfect solution to his problem. He duct tapes and ties his dick to his leg. On date night, he goes to her door, double checks his work with a patt on his leg, check. He rings her doorbell, she opens the door, and he kicks her in the face.

Why can’t some snakes get boners?
Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

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A man got on a bus in Bangkok and this beautiful woman got on and sat down across from him.
He kept thinking, “Don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner.”
Sure enough, she did.

What do you call a boner when you’re scared?
Petrified wood.

What’s the difference between having a boner and being cyberbullied?
One is getting erect, and the other is getting e-wrecked.

An old woman has two dachshunds, one male, and one female. A friend asks her how she stops them from breeding when the female comes into heat. “I just put Trudi upstairs, while I keep Heinz on the main floor,” the owner explains. Puzzled, the friend asks how that helps.
The old woman replies, “Have you ever seen a dachshund with a boner trying to climb a set of stairs?”

If men who have sex for money are called gigolos, what do you call men who have sex for free?
Working pro boner.

What do you call a gay man with a boner?
Homo erectus.

A little advice for any guy who’s ever hidden a boner in their waistband.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Do you know what is brave?
Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.
Do you know what is embarrassing?
Breaking your nose doing it.

How do magicians hide their boners?
The power of missed-erection.

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What do you call someone who fixes boners?
An erectrician.

What does Harry Styles call his boner?
Wonder Erection.

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” he asks the parrot, “how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?”
“Well, it’s a little embarrassing,” the parrot replies, “but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that’s how I don’t fall off. Gotta make do with what you’ve got, amirite?”
The man and the parrot talk for a while and eventually, the man decides to bring the parrot home with him, and they soon become fast friends.
One day when the man comes home from work the parrot says he needs to tell him something. “It’s about the mailman and your wife.”
“What? What about the mailman and my wife?”
“Well.. I find it hard to tell you this, but because we’ve become so close and you take such good care of me, I believe it is my duty as your pet to be completely honest with you. This afternoon the mailman came by, and your wife opened the door wearing nothing but her underwear.”
“What happened then?” The man asks angrily.
“She let him in.. and they started kissing.”
“And then?”
“..He unclasped her bra.. and started playing with her breasts.. and then his hands went down.. and then..”
“What then!?”
“Then I got a boner and fell from my stick.”

Two skeletons were talking.
“You know what I find ironic? We can’t get a boner.”

What do you call it when a person has a boner in Minecraft?
Erectangle.

What do you call an NRA member with a boner?
A hard conservative.

A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy are speeding.
They get pulled over by a cop, who decides to humor them. They won’t get a ticket if their penis sizes add up to 20 inches. The black guy’s dick is 10 inches, the white guy’s is 9 inches, and the Asian guy’s is 1 inch. As they drive away, the black guy says, “You’re lucky my dick was 10 inches.” The white guy says, “You’re lucky my dick is 9 inches.”
At last, the Asian says, “You’re lucky I had a boner.”

A man storms out of a hospital screaming “I am not going to donate blood! I don’t want my blood to be in someone else’s boner!”
The Doc sighed and asked, “No hemo?”

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What do you call it when an old snake can’t get a boner?
A reptile dysfunction.

What’s it called when Batman gets a boner?
The Dark Knight Rises.

A 75-year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.
After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20-year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.
“Did you call for me?” asks the blonde.
“What do you mean?” asks the man.
“We have rules here that if a man gets an erection, it means he called for a girl,” says the blonde and immediately takes him away to her suite where they make passionate love.
Later in the day, after taking a swim in the resort’s pool, he is walking over to the locker room when he suddenly passes gas. Immediately, a sweaty hairy man appears out of nowhere and asks, “Did you call me?”
“No…” stammers the old guy, “what do you mean.”
The rules here are if a man farts it means he called for me. The hairy man then spins the old man around, bends him over, and screws him in the ass.
After the encounter, he immediately runs to reception and asks the woman behind the counter to give him his money back.
“Didn’t you like it here?” asks the receptionist.
The old man replies, “Listen here, lady. I’m 75 years old. I get a boner once every three months and fart 20 times a day. Now give me my money back!”

What do boners and stains have in common?
If you get it wet and rub it enough it’ll go away.

Mountains are just earth boners,
Volcanoes then….

How do you describe someone who has a boner when they are at their workplace?
Hard at work.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
“You see that thing, woman?” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we ought to do with it?”
With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it.”

What do you call it when a stripper works for free?
Pro boner.

Why can’t the chav get a boner when he’s by himself?
Cause he’s only hard when he’s with his mates.

What do you call a celebrity boner?
A Hollywood.

A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he’s not cheap.
The man doesn’t care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man’s hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.
She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.
5 minutes later she shows up in her bathrobe, takes it off leaving her completely naked, and says, “If you paint the house for free you can have me.” The painter takes one look at her beautiful body and agrees. He takes off his clothes and gets to work and while they’re at it they hear the house’s door opening.
She gets up, puts on the bathrobe, and leaves the room, her husband finds her in the hallway and says, “Are you crazy? There’s a stranger in the house and you’re walking around wearing that?” To which she replies, “Relax, it’s not like I’m naked plus the man is in that room working.”
So he goes there to check on the painter and to his surprise, he’s naked with a boner on the ladder painting. The man perplexed asks, “Why the hell are you naked? Painter replies, “I forgot my work clothes and didn’t want to ruin the ones I came wearing. The husband said, “Alright, and why the F*uck do you have a boner?
The painter thinks for a second and answers, “Wwhere do you expect me to hang the paint bucket?”

What’s Moby Dicks dad’s name?
Papa boner.

What do you call a chef with a small penis?
Boner pètit.

What do you call it when you get a boner in history class?
The battle of the bulge.

Two nuns are in an elevator.
The elevator stops and a man wearing a trench coat gets on. When the doors close, the man turns to face the nuns and pulls open his coat to expose a raging boner. One nun gasps and puts her hand over her heart and says, “I…I think I’m going to have a stroke!”. The other nun says, “Do what you want sister but I’m not going to touch that thing.”

What do you call it when God can’t get a boner?
Omnimpotence.

What’s one product Microsoft can never put its name on?
Boner Pills!

What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?
Scissors.

Superman was flying around and saw Catwoman lying on her back naked on a rooftop. Catwoman looked really good and Superman felt a super-boner coming up.
“I’ll just do it really fast, Catwoman does not even know I was there!” he thought and quickly had his way with unsuspecting Catwoman.
When Superman was already long gone the Catwoman flinched.
“What the hell was that?” said the Catwoman.
“I have no idea but my anus really hurts,” said the invisible man.

Why do guys hate peeing with a boner?
Because it’s hard.

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What’s an alternative name for a necrophile?
A boner.

What do you call a construction worker with a boner?
A hard worker.

Why is laughing a lot like a boner?
It’s hard around girls.

At what national park are boner pills made?
Viagra Falls.

A guy asks his wife, “Honey, why do I always get a boner when I’m looking in the mirror?”
She replies, “Because your cock thinks you’re a pussy too.

Do you have a funny boner joke? Write down your own boner puns in the comment section below!