Jessica Amlee
Dicks are like humans, they come in different shapes, sizes and colors. Some are big, some are small, some are bent and some are dark. It generally gets funny when one is on the extreme side of any of it. Like the ones with a micro must have heard about the joke that goes – You call that a c*ck? I’ve swallowed pills bigger than that. Or the ones with big willy resembling a Pringles can with veins.
Whatever you need, this list has the funniest dick jokes that are on the Internet.
Funny Dick Jokes
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
Why wasn’t the boy allowed in a fraternity in college?
Because he was circumcised. Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
What’s long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?
Your spine.
What happened when ex-wife tried to humiliate her ex-husband by telling all her friends that he had a micro dick?
She was in for a shock when they all disagreed.
What do you call a feminist government?
A Dick-hater-ship.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
What is worse than waking up at a party with a dick drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
What’s the difference between your dick and your paycheck?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship.
Recommended: Vasectomy Jokes
Why is “Dick” short for Richard?
Genetics.
If you call your hand Handy and your foot Footy. What do you call your dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
A husband and wife were having friendly banter.
“I bet you can’t say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time,” the husband tells his wife.
“You have the biggest dick of all your friends,” she replies.
What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?
A Steve Job.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently, the super-color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
Did you hear about the guy with 5 dicks?
His underwear fits like a glove.
Why don’t ants have dicks?
Because then they would be uncles.
Why did the boy see a fat guy holding his dick in the p*rn?
He had forgotten to turn the TV on.
Recommended: Fat People Jokes
“M-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressed that I st-st-stutter,” a man says to the doctor.
The doctor informs him that he will be given a dick transplant. He gives up his 3-foot-long dick in exchange for a 4-inch-long dick.
He returns in a week and says, “My wife will no longer have sex with me. Could I please have the old one returned?”
“A d-d-d-deal is a d-d-d-deal,” the doctor says.
What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?
A hard copy.
What do you call 10 dicks?
Dix.
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?
Because your dick thinks you’re a pu**y too.
A man is fishing when he pulls out a shark, who yells, “Please let me go, I’m a magical shark, if you let me go, I’ll grant you a wish.”
“All right,” the man says. “I wish my dick reached all the way to the floor.”
So the shark ate his legs.
How do you make lesbians like you?
Don’t be a dick.
“Honey, what exactly is a penis?” asks a wife to her husband.
“That baby, you’ll see the night after our wedding.”
Then comes their wedding night and the newlywed husband and wife go to their hotel room. The husband takes his pants off and proudly shows his organ to his wife.
“That honey is what we call a penis.”
To which the wife answers, “Oh I know, it’s like a dick but much smaller.”
What do you call a transgender whale?
Maybe Dick.
What do your girlfriend and a condom have in common?
If they are not on your dick, they are in your wallet.
A man approaches an attractive woman in a bar and begins telling her a story.
“I was walking through the park the other day when something unexpected bumped against my shoe,” he says.
The young lady is intrigued. “Well, what was it?” she inquires.
“It was a magic lamp,” says the man. “When I rubbed it, a genie appeared. ‘I’ll grant you one wish, but this isn’t Aladdin,” he said. “You do not get to pick your wish. I’ll give you two options, and you must choose one.”
“What were the options?”
“The genie said I could have either a perfect memory or a massive dick.”
For a brief moment, the girl ponders. “Wow. Which one did you choose?”
“I don’t remember,” replied the man.
Why wouldn’t the woman next to you on this rollercoaster stop screaming?
It was like she’s never seen a penis before.
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog’s penis have in common?
Hogwarts.
How is life like a penis?
Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely. It’s women who make it hard.
A man’s penis is 25 inches long. And he believes it is far too large, and he seeks ways to make it smaller. One day, he learns about a witch in the woods who can help him solve his problem.
When he went to the witch, she told him to find a frog by the stream and ask the frog for sex. If the frog says no, his penis will shrink by five inches.
He approaches the frog and asks, “Will you have sex with me?” “No!” exclaimed the frog, and his penis shrank by five inches.
He thought this was fantastic and asked once more, “Will you have sex with me?” The frog exclaimed “no!” once more, and his penis shrank by five inches.
The man was overjoyed, but his penis was still a little too big. “Will you have sex with me?” he decided to ask the frog one last time.
“How many times do I have to say this? No! No! No!”
What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
Your mom can’t take a joke.
Recommended: Yo Momma Jokes
Did you hear about the girl who was making fun of her boyfriend’s penis?
What a mean thing to say!
What’s the harm in the saying ‘penis size is related to shoe size?’
Well, that makes the fear of clowns even worse.
A man goes to the doctor and complains about his bright orange penis. The doctor examines the man, and sure enough, his penis is bright orange.
The doctor inquires about the man’s daily habits in order to gain insight into the cause of the illness.
The man begins, “My day is a fairly common routine. I get up and go to work in the morning. Because I work at a desk in an office, I am not exposed to any unusual chemicals. I get home from work, cook myself dinner, watch a little TV, and then get ready for bed.”
The doctor asks, “Do you do anything before bed?”
The man says “Nothing unusual, I just eat Cheetos and surf the web.”
Did you hear about the wife who left her husband because he spent his entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure?
She could not take it any longer.
Why does a man name his penis?
Because he doesn’t want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.
Man: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.
Man: Yeah, that’s the one.
A couple was watching an African tribe documentary. They discovered that when a male member of this tribe reaches a certain age, he receives a string with a weight attached to it that was tied around his penis. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 20 inches in length.
Later that evening, as the man popped up from the shower, his wife suggested, “Let’s try the African string and weight technique, honey.” The husband agreed, and they attached a weighted string to his penis. “How is our little experiment coming along?” the wife inquired a few days later. “Well, it looks like we’re about halfway there,” the husband replied.
The impressed wife said, “You mean it’s already grown to 10 inches?”
“No”, the husband replied. “It’s turning black.”
Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis?
He came out of nowhere.
What’s the difference between olive oil and virgin olive oil?
Popeye’s dick.
Three men are debating which of their wives is the most stupid.
The first says, “My wife spent $10,000 on a kitchen and she can’t even cook!”
The second says, “Yeah, mine paid $20,000 for a car – and she can’t drive!”
The third says, “That’s it? Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip despite the fact that she doesn’t even have a penis!”
What do you get when you cross a penis, a potato and a boat?
A Dictater.
Elephant: Why are your breasts on your back?
Camel: That’s a strange query from someone with a penis on his face.
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How is homework like a penis?
It is long and hard unless you’re Asian.
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
“Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick!”
A professor arranges a spot quiz for his physiology class.
“What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?” he asks. He chooses a rather overdressed girl from the front row to respond. “Dear Miss Callahan!” “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question,” stammers the girl, who heard the question.
The professor says, “That’s fine, Miss Callahan; you don’t have to respond. Is there anyone here who can provide an answer?” He notices a curious expression in the back of the classroom. “Mr Hawkins.”
Yes, Professor,” Hawkins says, “it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during times of emotion and excitement.” “That is correct, Mr Hawkins,” the professor says.
He then looks at Miss Callahan. “Young lady, two things are clear from your reaction to this question,” he says. One, you haven’t completed this week’s assignment; and two, I’m afraid marriage will be a huge disappointment to you.”
Why do snakes have no balls?
Cause they would look like dicks.
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
F*cks funny.
A husband went to his doctor’s office the other day and discovered that his new doctor is a young female who is absolutely stunning.
“Don’t worry, I’m a professional,” she said, despite his embarrassment. “I have seen them all. Just let me know what’s wrong and I’ll look into it.”
The husband said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny.”
What do you call it when a man has a crocodile for a penis?
A-reptile-dysfunction.
Wanna know why your dad’s dick is worth one trillion dollars?
Because it’s Microsoft.
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A tidal wave hits a cruise ship carrying three couples, two straight and one gay. The ship sinks, and they all drown and end up in front of St. Peter.
The first straight couple goes up to St. Peter and asks, “Can we enter heaven?”
St. Peter responds “Sir, you are a glutton! You’ve always preferred food to anything else. You are so passionate about food that you married Candy!” They are dragged away to Hell in a puff of smoke.
The second straight couple goes up to St. Peter and asks, “Can we enter heaven?”
St. Peter responds, “You are greedy, sir! Money has always been your greatest passion. You are so obsessed with money that you married a woman named Penny!” They are escorted to Hell in a puff of smoke.
At this point, one of the gay guys leans over to his partner and whispers “It’s not looking good, Dick.”
What do you call a dinosaur’s penis?
Megalodong.
You have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand. What do you have?
Hulk’s dick in your mouth.
The geography of a woman.
Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa… Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America… Well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India… Very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France… Gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia… Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan… Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The geography of a man.
Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba… Ruled by a dick.
What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What did capital O say to capital Q?
Zip up your fly, your dick is sticking out.
A couple who have been married for a few years decide to seek the advice of a marriage counsellor in order to resolve their issues. “Tell me something you two have in common,” the marriage counsellor begins by asking the couple.
“Well, neither of us sucks dick,” the husband quickly responds.
What do you call a penis that disappears?
A Magic Johnson.
What’s the difference between your dick and a mortar cannon?
A mortar cannon doesn’t need medication to point upwards.
Three guys learn that they only have three weeks to live. They realise they have nothing to show for their lives and decide to attempt to enter the Guinness Book of World Records. “I have pretty long arms, maybe the longest arms in the world!” says the first guy. “I have a big chest, maybe the biggest chest in the world!” says the second guy. “I have a small dick, maybe the smallest dick in the world!” says the third guy. So they each submit their applications to the headquarters of the Guinness Book of World Records.
A week later, the book is released, and everyone gathers to see the results. The first man opens the book and declares, “Take a look! I have the world’s longest arms!” The second man looks around and says “Wow! I can’t believe I have the world’s largest chest!”
And the third guy looks and says, “…Who the f*ck is [insert name of anyone with whom sharing the joke]?!”
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.
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Why do lesbians shop at Cabelas?
Because they hate Dick’s.
A young girl and her mother are riding down the highway.
When a d*ldo falls off the truck in front of them and smashes into the windshield.
“Mommy, what was that?”, the little girl inquires.
Because she does not want her child to be revealed to sex, the mother responds, “It was just a bug, honey.”
The little girl sits quietly, before exclaiming, “It sure had a big dick.”
What did the uncircumcised penis say to the insurance salesman?
“I’m already covered.”
What’s the difference between a dick and an a**hole?
Nothing – little sh*ts come out of both.
A college professor became aware that one of his students, Elijah, was attracting a lot of female attention.
So one day he approaches Elijah and inquires about his secret. “Well, before making love, I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table like a hammer; it numbs it up and makes me last longer,” Elijah responds.
Later that day, the professor returns home to find his wife in the shower, providing a welcome opportunity for making love. So he quickly undresses and bangs his dick against the dresser, just as his wife calls from the shower:
“Elijah, is that you?”
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me, I’m going in.
What do you call a sad erect penis?
Mourning wood.
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A hunter kills a deer while out hunting.
He brings it home to his family and cooks it without telling his children what it is. “I’ll give you a hint, it’s what your mother calls me,” he said.
“It’s a f*cking dick, don’t eat it!” exclaims the youngest son.
What kind of penis does Frankenstein have?
A hallow weenie.
Why don’t you poop out of your penis?
Because then it would be called a poonis.
Dave began a new job. “Hello, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky,” his boss said. “My name is Dave, but people call me Dick,” Dave replied.
She said, “How do you get Dick from Dave?”
Dave replied, “You just ask nicely.”
What does the Frenchman with a small penis say at dinner?
Boner petit.
What do you call a lie about penis size?
A phallusy.
A man walks into a bar. He notices a jar filled with twenty-dollar bills. He inquires of the bartender as to its purpose.
“Behind the bar, I have a horse in the stable. You put down $20 and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, you get the entire jar; if you don’t, you lose $20.”
So the guy puts in twenty dollars, walks to the stable, and a minute later the horse is laughing uncontrollably. Guy returns to the bar and, without saying anything to the stunned bartender, takes the jar of twenties and walks away.
A year later, the same guy returns to the bar and notices another jar full of twenty-dollar bills. He inquires of the bartender as to its purpose this time.
“My damn horse hasn’t stopped laughing since you came in here last year. You put in $20, and if you can get him to stop laughing, the jar is yours.”
The man puts in another twenty dollars and proceeds to the stable. A minute later, there was complete silence. The horse made no sound. Guy returns and picks up the jar. As he prepares to leave, the bartender says, “Hold on a second. You have to tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when no one else could.”
The guy says, “The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it.”
What do you call a half-erect penis wearing a tuxedo?
A semi formal.
What is similar in the words Election and Erection?
Both are almost spelt the same and mean a dick rising to power.
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Three friends bet $100 on who could make their wife scream the loudest from making love.
The first one said the next day, “I made love to my wife for two hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!” The second one said that he licked his wife for two hours and she screamed the entire time plus a half hour after that. The third person says, “That is nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, came a few times then wiped my dick in the curtain, and she’s still screaming!”
Did you hear about a random message from a lad asking to meet in the woods to compare penis sizes?
Weirdo didn’t even show up.
What do you call a clown’s penis?
His funny bone.
A man is on his honeymoon and has decided to get a tattoo to show his love for his wife. He visits a tattoo parlour and requests that her name be tattooed on his penis. “What is her name?” inquires the artist. He exclaims, “Wendy!” “Okay. You’ll have to work hard and stay hard for me to fit that on your lit… I mean fit that all in.” The man does what he is asked. He then returns home to show his fiancée. When he takes it out, it’s soft and only says “Wy.” He explains what is going on, and she is impressed.
So they get married and go on their honeymoon to Jamaica. On vacation, the man finds himself in a urinal next to a local. He looks down and notices the word “Wy” tattooed on the local’s dick. “Does your wife have the same Wendy too?”
“No mon.. It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.”
What’s the best treatment for chlamydia?
Penis-cilin.
What’s the most irritable penis you can name?
The grum-penis.
“Did Santa get you that?” a cop on a horse asks a little girl on a bike.
“Yes,” the little girl says.
“Well, tell him next year to put a reflector light on it!” says the cop and fines her $5.
“Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” the little girl says, looking up at the cop.
“He sure did!” says the cop, laughing.
“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”
What do you call a girl with a penis?
Amanda.
What do you call a floating penis?
Space junk.
A guy was getting a handjob from a blind girl.
She said, “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on.”
The boy said, “Nah, you’re pulling my leg.”
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What do you call a bent penis?
A boomerwang.
What happens when a penis spins around in circles?
It gets jizzy.
A husband arrived home late and tipsy.
His wife was expecting him. “You’ve kissed someone, haven’t you?” She yelled at him. “No,” he responded. “Then tell me about the lipstick on your shirt.”
“That’s easy,” the husband said. “I used my shirt to wipe my dick.”
Did you hear about the spine that turned into a penis?
It had a vowel movement.
Did you hear about the girl who tried cutting her boyfriend’s penis off but stabbed his leg instead?
The police charged her with a gross missedaweiner.
While the man was away on business, his wife gave birth.
“Did you know you were having quintuplets?” the doctor inquired. “I’m not surprised,” the man replied, “I’ve got a dick like a stovepipe!”
“You should probably get it cleaned,” the doctor advised, “because they’re all black.”
What’s the hardest thing about putting a condom on?
The penis.
An elderly gentleman entered the waiting room and approached the desk. “Yes sir, how may I assist you?” said the Receptionist. “Something’s wrong with my f*cking dick,” he replied.
“You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that,” the receptionist became irritated.
“What’s the harm? You asked what was wrong, and I explained,” he said.
“You should have said something was wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private,” the Receptionist conveyed
“You shouldn’t bloody hell ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man replied.
The man walked out, paused for a few moments, and then returned.
The receptionist asked, “Yes?” with a smug smile.
“Something is wrong with my ear,” he explained.
The Receptionist smiled and nodded, knowing he had followed her advice. “And what’s the matter with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t f*cking piss out of it,” he replied.
How is wearing crocs like getting your dick sucked by a man?
Feels great and then you look down and realize you’re gay.
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What is the difference between your dick and your joke?
People don’t laugh at your jokes.
A man married this lady. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so he used a pickle instead of his dick every time they made love. He’s been doing it for seven years.
One night, his wife suspected something was wrong, so she quickly threw off the cover and turned on the lights while they were having sex! So the lady stated, “What the hell is that, you’re playing a pickle on me? I’m stunned, and you’ve been doing it for seven years, you jerk.”
So the man said, “Shut the f*ck up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!”
Son: Dad, this movie is so scary. Is that woman going to die?
Dad: Judging by the size of that horse’s dick, Yes she is.
A second-grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her students…
She begins by drawing a penis on the chalkboard and asks, “Does anyone know what this is?”
And little Johnny responds, “Yes, my father has two of them!”
“Are you sure about that?” asks the teacher.
“Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth,” says Johnny.
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What do you call it when your penis gets swollen and you have trouble breathing?
Anaphylactic C*ck.
A man saw two lesbians kissing in the bar and decided it would be a good time to ask his query.
“What exactly is it about dicks that you don’t like?” he inquired.
“They ask stupid f*cking questions,” one of them responded.
Did you hear about the man who got penis replacement surgery?
They said the procedure was re-dick-ulous
“I love you” is tattooed on a man’s penis.
He returns home and tears his pants to show his girlfriend.
“There you go again trying to put words in my mouth,” she shakes her head at him.
How do you call a donkey with a very large penis?
A dongey.
A man takes his wife and his little boy to the circus.
After a while, the father gets up to get a beer, and the elephants are paraded out by the ringmaster.
“Mama, Mama! What the heck is that long, pointy thing under the elephant’s belly!? “The child inquires.
“Oh, that’s nothing, dear,” the mother says, turning red.
The father returns with his beer and takes a seat next to his son. Mom then gets up and goes to the restroom.
“Father, father! What the heck is that long, pointy thing under the elephant’s belly!?”
“That’s the elephant’s penis.”
“Then why did mom say it was nothing?!” asked the kid.
The dad takes a long swig of his beer, pats his boy on the head, and says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman…”
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What do you call the useless piece of skin around a man’s penis?
A man.
Have a funny joke about Dicks? Post your penis pun in the comment section below.
