90 Funny Cum Jokes And Puns As Good As Any Happy Ending

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Jessica Amlee


Talk about a “happy ending,” right? Cum or ej*culation is that climactic moment in the sexual response cycle where all the tension—yes, sexual tension—finds its way out, literally. You know, it’s like when you shake a champagne bottle too much and then pop the cork; everything just explodes! It’s Mother Nature’s fireworks, the final bow in the symphony of lovemaking.

Now, when it comes to jokes about this “explosive” subject, there’s really no holding back—much like the phenomenon itself. Cumming jokes really capture the essence of life’s awkward, messy, but often exhilarating moments. They’re the kind of jokes that come at you fast and unexpected, just like… well, you know. These one-liners or playful anecdotes are the perfect icebreakers for any late-night gathering of friends, where the atmosphere is as charged as a ticking time bomb, and everyone is waiting for someone to light the fuse of humor. So, go ahead, crack an ej*culation joke, and watch your social capital, um, shoot up!

Best Cum Jokes

What’s the opposite of “young, dumb, and full of cum”?
“Old, smart, and can’t trust a fart”.

Why say you swallow cum?
When you can say you sucseed.

What’s long and hard and has cum in the middle?

What do you call a license to cum?
A spermit.

What do you call an ad about making women cum?

What do you get if someone c*ms in your eye?
An astigmajism.

Why did the man cum inside the sock?
He wanted step kids,

What must a vampire ask before he has sex?
“Is it alright if I cum inside?”

Why did the cum cross the road?
Because the man put on the wrong sock this morning.

What do you call a resting place for j*zz?
A S*mentery.

Dave cannot make his wife cum.
He goes to the doctor and says, “Look, I just can’t bring my wife to org*sm in bed, it’s a real problem.”
The doctor says, “Well, is it too warm?”
“Yes, it’s absolutely sweltering”
“Then get some air-con”
“I can’t afford air-con, I’m too poor”
“Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a mate Francis”
“Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help.”
So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it’s doing nothing for her.
Dave says, “Well this isn’t working, let’s swap.” So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave’s wife.
Not long after, Dave’s wife goes “Oooh… oh that’s it, I’m about to cum, I’m going to cum!”
Dave shouts, triumphantly, “You see, Francis?! That’s how you waft a f*cking towel!”

Why is s*men white and urine yellow?
It’s so you can tell if you’re coming or going.

Recommended: Urine Jokes

Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because it’s full of Arab S*men.

How is a system update similar to cumming?
If you don’t do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

What’s another name for cumming inside a woman?
Loading the dishwasher.

What do you call vegan j*zz?

A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear.
She says, “No, I’ll go deaf.”
He says, “Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the f*ck up.”

What do you call coffee with cum in it?
A Fappuccino.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?
One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

Did you hear that Chuck Norris j*zzed in the ocean?
That’s why we have sperm whales.

Why is it called the missionary position?
Because you can deliver the s*men on the mount!

Did you know the average blue whale has a 6-foot-long p*nis and can produce more than 20 pounds of s*men?
Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said “One box of large condoms to register 10.”
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of medium sized condoms to register 10.”
A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too kewl. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, “Clean up at register 10!”

What did the p*nis say to the v*gina?
Don’t make me cum in there.

Recommended: P*nis Jokes

Did you hear that the energizer bunny died of a sexual malfunction?
Someone put the battery in backwards and it just kept cumming and cumming.

What do you call ghost cum?

What do you call a pair of cum stained pants?

Why are s*men donations more expensive than blood donations?
Because they’re handmade.

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ej*culation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human manhood 1687 TB/sec
Yes, that’s a lot of information to swallow.

Did you hear about the woman who caught an alien masturbating in her freezer?
She asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, “I cum in peas …”

Why do c*mshots drip into belly buttons?
It’s sea men trying to get to the navel base.

Why is cum so sticky?
Cause family sticks together.

What do you call sex offender s*men?
Monster’s ink.

Recommended: Erectile Dysfunction Jokes

What do you call it when you’re s*men catches on fire?

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his c*ck, starts masturbating, and points at it.
The worker on the 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f*ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

Did you hear they banned all p*rn from the internet?
“Don’t know what this world is cumming to.”

Where does honey cum from?
Beez nutz Ha, stung’m.

How do you get a hippie pregnant?
Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

What do you say when s*men randomly appears and you don’t know why?
“How cum?”

What device measures the amount of s*men in a sample?
A cumputer.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a s*men sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.

Recommended: Vasectomy Jokes

What’s dark, moist, and always has s*men in it?
An old basement.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?
Thank everyone for coming!

How much cum does a gay guy have?
A Butt load!

A wife comes to her husband and says, Darling, let’s make love like in the movies.
“Of course love!” the husband says eagerly and begins.
Once he finishes, she looks at him and says, “Yes, darling, looks like you and I (wipes her face) are watching very different movies.

What’s it called when you cum in a jigglypuff?
A creampuff.

Why don’t they have pregnant Barbie dolls?
Because Ken came in a separate box.

What is guaranteed to last an hour?
The Pope Cumming.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn’t paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, “Come again?”
Giggling, the blonde replied, “No, just mustard this time.”

What do socks and fruit molesters have in common?
They come in pairs.

Why do kings always scream when they cum?
Because it’s customary to announce when royalty arrives.

Recommended: Dad Jokes for Adults

What is it called when someone c*ms in space?

Did you hear about that rare p*rn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?
They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

What do you call a cum sock on New Year’s Day?
A blast from the past!

A farmer has an impotent bull.
After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some hardcore p*rn. Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with p*rn 24/7 for several days, and exposes him to the cows afterwards. Sure enough, the bull jumps on the first cow he lays his eyes upon and starts humping like a champ as the farmer watches in joy, which quickly turns into horror as the bull pulls out and proceeds to cum all over the cow’s face.

Did you hear that pineapple juice can make your cum taste better?
But for some it just ruins the pineapple juice.

What do you call it when you cum on a sad girl?
A download.

After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man. He kisses her.
“Only Reggie used to kiss me,” she mumbles.
He grabs her breast.
“Only Reggie used to fondle me,” she stammers.
He inserts himself inside her.
“Only Reggie used to penetrate me,” she moans.
He thrusts repeatedly.
“Only Reggie used to ravage me,” she squeals.
She begins to org*sm.
“Reggie or not, here I cum!!”

Why is Santa’s sack so big?
Well, he only c*ms once a year.

Why did the p*rnstar agree to double penetration?
It increased her in cum.

How do you make a river or a lake cum?
Littoral stimulation.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean, a Father and a son.
The Son turns to his father and asks, “Dad where did I come from?”
Dad replies, “My p*nis, son!”
Son says, “Oh.., Thanks, dad!”
Dad says, “You’re whale cum!”

Have you heard of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm?
He is sir cum sized!

Recommended: Circumcision Jokes

What was the inventor of the Fleshlight thinking?
If I build it, they will cum.

Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan?
He graduated sumo cum laude.

What did Hitler’s wife say when Adolf lied about pulling out?
“I did Nazi that cumming!”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into an elevator.
The brunette sees something very sticky on the floor and asks, “Is that sperm?” The redhead bends down and smells the stuff and says, “It sure smells like cum to me.”
The blonde kneels down get a finger full, tastes it, and proclaims, “It’s nobody from this building!”

Why do nice guys always finish last?
Because their girlfriends always cum first.

Why shouldn’t you get cum on your clothes?
Cause it’s spermanent.

What percent of scum is cum?

What do you call post-nut clarity?
Cumming to your senses.

Three married women are discussing bl*wjobs.
“My husband always asks for them,” the first woman complains, “but I can’t stand the taste.”
“Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple,” suggests the second woman. “It will change the flavor of his s*men.”
The third woman perks up at this. “Wait, the taste changes depending on what men swallow?”
“Oh, sure!” the second woman answers. “If he swallows blackberries, it will taste like blackberries. If he swallows plums, it will taste like plums. If he swallows strawberries, it will taste like strawberries.”
Just as the second woman finishes speaking, the third woman bursts into tears. “I have to get a divorce!” she wails.
“What?!” exclaims the first woman. “Why?!”
“Because,” sobs the third woman, “my husband has been swallowing cum!”

Recommended: Bl*wjob Jokes

What’s a p*rnstar’s favorite drink?
7UP in cider.

What do you call cum flavored candy?
A condom-mint.

What’s white and c*ms on little crackers?
Michael Jackson.

What do you call chocolate that someone cummed in?
A coconut.

A pedophile parks his van next to a playground.
He opens the door and calls out to a little boy. As the boy approaches Peddy Eddy proclaims, “I’ll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van.” The little boy stares him for a moment then replies, “I’ll cum in your face for the whole bag.”

Do you have a McDonald’s fetish?
Because you look like you want to cum to M’crib.

What is a squirrel’s favorite way to cum?
A Chest Nut

Late at the bus stop.
Man: Ma’am you have s*men on your skirt.
Woman: Oh, must be yogurt, thank you.
Man: Ma’am, pretty sure I don’t ej*culate yogurt.

What do you mean he has a punctuality kink?
Coming early makes him cum early.

What do you call a slave’s cum?
Whipped cream.

What do you call a germ that c*ms?
A micro-org*sm.

A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window.
Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9’s a**, you get the picture.
After a while, they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.
He never saw that one coming.

Recommended: 69 Jokes

What do you call dried cum?

How do you make Bob Dylan cum really far?
Blow him in the wind.

Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she c*ms all over his face and says messy eh?
He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

Do you have a funny cum joke? Write down your own cum puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

4 thoughts on “90 Funny Cum Jokes And Puns As Good As Any Happy Ending”

  1. Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ej*culate in a school zone.
    I don’t think the speed was why I was arrested though.


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