Calculus, that delightful corner of mathematics, is like the “Game of Thrones” of math syllabi—both awesome and dreadful. It’s the study of change, rates, and all that jazz. Sure, it sounds straightforward until you dive into limits, integrals, and derivatives. Then, suddenly, you find yourself doodling the “S” of integral symbols like they’re love hearts. Be warned, dabbling in calculus could lead to an existential crisis or, worse, a lifelong affection for plaid shirts and pocket protectors.
Now, why do calculus jokes fit so perfectly in the math-nerd narrative? Simple: misery loves company! For every brain cell sacrificed to understand the Fundamental Theorem of Calculics, there’s a calculus joke that serves as a balm for that cerebral wound. They’re the mathematical equivalent of inside jokes—you know, the kind that makes the uninitiated eye-roll while the enlightened burst into laughter that can only be quantified by the limit as x approaches infinity.
Plus, calculus jokes make you feel like part of a secret society, one that understands why the derivative of a constant is zero but finds it hilarious. Trust us, once you start integrating humor into your calculus experience, you’ll never look at a math problem the same way again.
Best Calculus Jokes
Did you hear about the student who failed his calculus exam because he was sitting between two identical twins?
It was impossible to differentiate between them.
Why didn’t the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?
Because secant tan.
A calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.
At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.
Yo mama so fat, when she joined a calculus class they had to integrate her by parts.
How do dolphins do calculus?
(eᴱ)’ = Eeᴱ
Why don’t white supremacists take calculus in high school?
They don’t want to see integration in their schools.
Calculus just makes me derive.
Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?
It’s illegal to drink and derive.
Why don’t they teach Calculus in the Deep South?
Because they don’t like integration.
Do you can’t solve every problem with calculus?
It has its limits.
Yo mama so fat, she overloads her own free functions.
What do you call recycled calculus jokes?
I lost count of derivatives, it’s just too integral to me.
What’s the derivative of Amazon?
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scaler.
e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way.
He starts to run away, and e^x, asks “Why are you running away?”
The constant answers, “That’s a differential operator. If it acts on me, I’ll disappear.”
e^x says, “I’m ex, I don’t have anything to worry about,” and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says, “Hi, I’m e^x.”
The differential operator responds, “Hi, I’m d/dy.”
How does Donald Trump do calculus integration?
He makes sure to grab it by the +c.
Did you hear about the school that started a calculus club?
They would all derive fun from it.
Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student’s calculator away?
He was viewing graphic material.
Person 1: What’s the integral of 1/cabin with respect to the cabin?
Person 2: A log cabin!
Person 1: No, a houseboat. You forgot to add the C!!
How is College calculus is like a drinking game against a super-heavyweight?
Even if you know your limits, you’re dead no matter what.
Did you hear about the lady who said she didn’t like calculus?
Their opinion would change over time.
Two mathematicians walk into a bar.
They begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her, “I’ll give you $5 is you answer “one-third x cubed” to the next question I ask you, ok?” The server nods and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague, “I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem.”
He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, “What is the indefinite integral of x squared?” She responds, “One-third x cubed.” The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying, “Plus a constant.”
Why don’t math jokes work in lambda calculus?
Because (λ f x. f f f f f f f x) (λ f x. f f f f f f f f x) (λ f x. f f f f f f f f f x).
Did you hear about the 5-year-old who found videos meant for adults only?
But he obviously couldn’t understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?
A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.
“To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object.”
A confused student asks, “y?”
“y₀,” says the professor.
What’s Billy Butcher’s favorite way of approximating differential equations?
How do you find a velociraptor?
By taking the integral of the acceleraptor!
A definite integral and an indefinite integral walk into a bar.
The indefinite integral takes a seat next to the definite integral, and as they chat, they find they have a lot in common!
As the night goes on the indefinite integral offers to buy the two another round, but the definite integral politely declines, “No thank you, I know my limits!”
How do you derive the meaning of calculus?
It is quite simple. You see, it is an integral part of mathematics. In fact, in many respects, it can be indifferentiable from algebra.
Why was e^x so lonely at the party?
Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.
Who was the Arab mathematician who derived the Quadratic Equation formula?
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyway.
The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don’t like educated people.”
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th-grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school, they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?”
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, “Switch the limits on the integral!”
What do you get when you take the integral of a velociraptor?
Why don’t dentists like math?
They don’t like calculus.
What did Leibniz say when he read Newton’s work on calculus?
“This seems a bit derivative.”
e^x, x, and x^2 went to a party.
x and x2 noticed e^x had been standing in the same corner since they arrived.
x asked, “Why don’t you go mix in with the crowd?”
e^x replied, “Well, no matter how much I integrate it’s still the same!”
How does a Pokemon trainer solve differential equations?
By using a Lapras Transform.
What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it back in her bag. During a break, she investigated further. She keyed in 2+2 and the guitar started again.
That’s odd, she thought, but I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just a little annoying.
She went on to do her homework with the device, but by the end of the day, she was so sick of it playing music that she decided to take it to a service shop.
“Can I help you?” asked the employee.
“My parents gave this to me yesterday. It’s brand new, but I think there’s something wrong with it,” she said as she handed the calculator over.
The employee pressed a few buttons and the guitar began. When he stopped, the music stopped as well.
“What’s the problem?” he asked.
This took the girl by surprise. “Well, it’s the music.”
“Okay,” replied the employee.
This has to be a joke, she thought, and continued: “I started doing addition and subtraction and it started playing some country music.”
“Okay,” he replied again.
“And then I tried multiplication and division, and I know this sounds crazy, but a fiddle joined in.”
“By the time I got to my actual calculus work, I swear it was playing zydeco!”
“Well, I don’t really see the problem then,” he said, handing it back. “It’s not going to sing for you. It’s powered by Texas Instruments.”
Did you hear that Calculus has a steep learning curve?
But at least you know exactly how steep the learning curve is!
Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?
So he’d use natural logs!
There was a young man weeping at a library table.
A young lady approached him and asked what was wrong.
He replied, “It’s complicated,” and showed his calculus homework.
What do you call a wizard who is good at calculus?
Where can you find meat at a calculus barbecue?
A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. “What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus,” the student says. “If she wasn’t so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already.”
“So I guess you could say she’s easy on the eyes,” the bartender says. “But hard on the pupils?”
Did you hear about the math teacher who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard?
He really rose to the equation.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Why shouldn’t you date a calculus teacher?
They’re gonna replace u.
Why did Newton die a virgin?
Because he wasn’t integrals (into girls), he invented calculus.
Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he could skip directly to Calculus AB.
“Calculus is a very rigorous subject,” the counselor advised, “You need to take Precalculus first.”
“Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2,” Simon reasoned, “I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level.”
The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh.
When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, when things started to fall apart.
The teacher, Mr. Wong started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However, his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things would move on.
By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn’t understand a single concept!
As you probably guessed, Simon got 17% on the test. Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus.
His counselor shook his head and sighed, “You should have known your limits.”
How do calculus students feel about undefined slopes in Cartesian planes?
What kind of calculus do frogs use?
Der – ribbit – tives.
Why study calculus for a terrible event?
So you can know how to deal with the aftermath.
A new type of roaming gang has emerged in the streets of Los Angeles.
The local teenagers are calling them ‘heroes’, even mimicking their behavior when in school. But parents are calling them ‘thugs’, saying they’re robbing children of a future. The gang operates by driving around in statistically an Impala or Monte Carlo, and then seemingly at random, breaks into houses with high school students and does their calculus homework for them, in what police are calling “derive-bys”.
What do you call a sudden urge to solve differential equations?
Why are differential equation courses so dry?
Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.
Recommended: Geometry Jokes
What’s the smartest muscle in the human body?
The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.
A mathematician goes a little wacky in the brain, so they put him in a Psychiatric Ward. While there, he realizes he can have a little bit of fun with the other patients.
He walks up to one patient and says, “Hey, get out of my face before I differentiate you!” Terrified, the mental patient runs away. “This is fun,” the mathematician says to himself.
He walks up to another patient eating ice cream and says, “If you don’t give me that ice cream, I’ll integrate you!” The patient quickly hands it over and runs away, terrified.
The mathematician walks up to a third patient and says, “Hey, I’ll derive you!” The patient isn’t phased. “Hey! I’ll integrate you!” Once again, no reaction. “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” the mathematician asks the patient.
The patient slowly turns his head and says “I’m e^x.”
Why do calculus teachers hate the Final Fantasy games?
The characters keep breaking their limits.
What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus?
Did you hear about the Math Professor who was accused of plagiarizing a Calculus textbook?
He claimed it was a derivative work.
ln(x) is hosting a calculus party and all the functions are invited.
Some of them are radical, at least 1/3 of them are rational, and like all parties, there are a few odd ones talking to their imaginary friends. Amidst all of this revelry, ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend ex sulking in a corner.
ln(x): What’s wrong eˣ?”
e^x: I’m so lonely!
ln(x): Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!
e^x looks up and cries, “It won’t make a difference!”
What’s the single form of calculus?
What’s a calculus professor’s favorite drug?
Yo mama such a slut, she asked all the math majors to figure out g(f(your mom)) just so they could “f” her first.
What did the derivative say to the mirrored twin-branches that make up y = |x|?
“Despite one of you always being positive or negative, I can’t differentiate between the two of you.”
Why did the Klansmen fail calculus?
Because they hated integration so much.
How can a cryptographer use calculus to improve his codes?
Di-sguise the limit.
Do you have a funny Calculus Joke? Write down your own Calculus puns in the comment section below!