Welcome to our daring collection of dirty Catholic jokes, where we explore the edgier side of humor while poking fun at our own Catholic faith. This joke list is designed for those who appreciate a cheeky laugh and are ready to embrace some mischievous amusement. With a mix of risqué quips, saucy anecdotes, and irreverent banter, we aim to entertain and push the boundaries of conventional humor.
These adult Catholic jokes are intended for a mature audience who can appreciate the playful naughtiness of our content that might be offensive to some. So, if you’re looking to spice up your conversations or simply want to indulge in some guilty pleasure, our collection of dirty jokes about Catholics will surely tickle your funny bone and leave you grinning. If not, you can move on to our blog on clean Catholic jokes that are suited to anyone. Dark humor may appear to be taboo, but it is occasionally OK to simply laugh. We vow not to tell anyone about it.
Adult Catholic Jokes
What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?
“Let us prey.”
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Virgin mobile.
What do clown cars and catholic women have in common?
They like to show how many people can crawl out of them.
What do Mexicans call a Catholic handgun?
Epistle.
What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?
They’re bisectual.
Why do Catholics make so much money with stocks and cryptocurrency?
Because they have perfected when to pull out.
How did the Catholic family learn that their son was gay?
When he ran away from home they found him in the church.
Do you wanna know what they say about boys who go to Catholic schools?
They enter as tight ends and leave as wide receivers.
The Old man stood in front of Harry in his robes and clutching his wand.
It was at that moment Harry regretted leaving Hogwarts for catholic school.
Recommended: Dirty Priest Jokes
What do you say when you pissed off a Catholic?
“It is all a part of god’s plan!”
What’s the worst thing about being in an all boys’ school?
When all the boys except for you are Catholic
Four Catholic women are drinking coffee and discussing how important their children are.
“My son is a priest,” the first one tells her pals. Everyone calls him “Father” when he walks into a room.
“Oh, my son is a Bishop,” says the second Catholic woman. “Your Grace,” people say whenever he walks into a room.
“Oh, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal,” the third Catholic woman remarks smugly. People greet him with “Your Eminence” whenever he enters a room.
The fourth Catholic lady drinks her coffee quietly. The first three women ask her, “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a charismatic, 6’2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God.”
Do you know that the Catholic Church is against gay marriage because it is unnatural?
Well, walking on water is not very natural too.
What do Jesus and 12-year-olds have in common?
Getting nailed by Catholics.
How can you identify Catholic boys?
They call their church father ‘daddy.’
A bus carrying 18-year-old sheltered Catholic schoolgirls crashed off a cliff, killing everybody on board. So they all line up in front of the gates of heaven, and Saint Peter asks the first girl, “Have you ever touched a man’s penis?” And when the girl answers, “Yes, but only with the tip of my finger,” Saint Peter tells her that if she dips her finger into the holy water, she would be able to enter paradise.
Peter asks the same question to the next female who steps forward. She says, “Yes but only with my hand for a moment.” So Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the holy water so she may pass to heaven.
Then suddenly one of the girls from the back of the line starts pushing everyone out of the way to get to the front of the line. Peter looks at her and says “what seems to be the problem?” And she says “Peter I just want to gargle some holy water before Jenny sticks her ass in it.”
How is Catholic school just like a game of chess?
You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.
What do you call a Catholic on drugs?
Saint Stephen.
Teddy’s parents enroll him in Catholic school since he is struggling in math.
He walks straight to his room on his first day home from St. Michael’s to do his arithmetic homework. After having dinner, Teddy returns upstairs and resumes his calculations.
“You’re working extremely hard!” his mother remarks when she comes into his room.
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t f*cking around.”
How many f#cks does a catholic sister give?
Nun.
What’s the difference between Muslims and Catholics?
The Muslims get the virgins after their death.
What’s the difference between a Catholic kid and a blind kid?
The blind kid won’t see you coming.
Maria married and had 15 children as a devout Catholic. She remarried after her first husband died and had 15 more children.
Later, Maria died just a few weeks after her second husband.
“At long last, they’re finally together,” the priest stated at Maria’s funeral.
“Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?” her sister in the front row said.
The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”
Why did the Catholic zombies leave Europe?
Because they bless the brains down in Africa!
What is the most profitable place to sell sweets?
Near the Catholic Church.
How do you warm up a freezing Catholic?
Nail him to a cross and set him on fire.
A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says, “Father, I think I may be pregnant.”
He replies “How did this happen, my child?”
She says, “It must be the second coming.”
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks, “What makes you think this?”
She replies, “Because I swallowed the first.”
Why do Catholic lesbians love Lent?
The Church says they can eat beaver on Fridays.
Recommended: Lent Jokes
What do you call a Catholic Divorcee?
A born again c#cksucker.
What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
A 10-year-old protestant boy and a 10-year-old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.
The girl says, “My mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet.” So they both agree to remove their shoes before entering the water.
They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper. The boy says, “Well my mom will hate me if I ruin my new pants.” And so they remove their pants.
Once they ensure that every item of cloth is out of harm’s way, they take a good look at each other.
“Strange”, the girl says, “I didn’t think protestants and Catholics were THAT different!”
Did you hear about the people who go to confession every time they commit adultery?
They’re not Catholic, they just like to brag.
What’s a Catholic contraceptive store called?
Condemn Nation.
What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real org*sms and fake jewelry.
A Catholic is trying to convert a wealthy Jew.
He says he’ll get baptized as soon as he gets back from a business deal with the Pope. He comes back and the Catholic asks how’s the Pope.
The Jew says, “Guy is a riot, I walked in the door and the guy was doing coke in the middle of an orgy.”
“Well shoot I guess you don’t want to become Catholic then?”
“No I still do”, says the Jew.
“Why?” asked the Catholic.
“Any organization run by people like THAT that’s lasted this long has to have God on its side.”
Why do Catholic men say that eating Broccoli is like anal sex?
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
Because they don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works!
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash?
Dude asked Jesus to take the wheel.
The crowd is preparing to stone the prostitute and Jesus jumps in front and states, “Let he who hath never sinned cast the first stone.”
A little old lady comes up, picks up a rock, and throws it at the prostitute.
Jesus roughly pulls the little old lady aside and says, “Goddammit Mama, sometimes you really piss me off…”
Recommended: Jesus Jokes
Do you know that the catholic church doesn’t turn anyone down?
Except for little boys, and they turn them face down.
What do you mean by reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child’s body.
How are altar boys and strippers alike?
Both have father issues.
Guy: Father, I’m gay, what should I do?
Priest: You must pray to Jesus to make your problem disappear.
Guy: Jesus please make my problem disappear.
Priest: disappears
Did you hear about the new low-calorie gluten free communion wafer?
It’s called “I can’t believe it’s not Jesus!”
Why are the Catholics so against homosexuality?
They have an entire army of men who spend hours each day on their knees begging a man to come for a second time!
A kid who was raised a Catholic was told by the priest when he was 12, “God is watching you when you masturbate.”
He said, “Is God a pedophile too, Father?”
Why would you be a suicide bomber?
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven. Meanwhile, you could become a catholic priest and have them now!
Do you have another offensive Catholic joke? Post your own adult Catholic puns in the comment section below.
What is a funny Catholic pick-up line?
“7 plagues is nothing compared to what I’d go through for you.”
For those that don’t believe in the dinosaur bones they can see, but do in a half man half god they cannot. Maybe a dinosaur ate him?
How do you get a nun pregnant? Have the alter boy fart in her lap.