Priests, with their divine duties and saintly sermons, often stand on pedestals of purity. With their robes flowing, collars tight, and scriptures in hand, they’re like the spiritual superheroes of our neighborhoods, soaring high above worldly vices.
But here’s the twist: like any superhero, they’re also prime targets for an arch-nemesis—dark humor. Why? Historically, some priests have tragically abused their positions of trust. Some may have joined the priesthood hoping that faith and a sense of duty might help them overcome inherent troubling desires.
However, religion isn’t a guaranteed solution for personal struggles of this nature. When abusive and devastating actions were discovered, institutional responses were often inadequate, prioritizing the church’s reputation over the welfare of the affected individuals. This not only failed to provide the necessary help and rehabilitation for the priests involved but also put others at risk.
Diving deeper into the pulpit of punchlines, why do we craft comedic takes on such revered figures? Laughter thrives on the unexpected, and there’s little more surprising than a holy man in a not-so-holy setup.
Also in times of skepticism, when institutions face scrutiny, humor becomes a tool—a light-hearted mechanism to question, critique, or just navigate the complexities of faith and fallibility. It’s like turning water into wine; sometimes we take the ordinary, or the revered, and ferment it into a bubbly brew of humor. And while not everyone appreciates the vintage, it’s a testament to humanity’s penchant for finding chuckles in the most sanctified spaces.
Adult Priest Jokes
What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?
“Let us prey.”
What’s the definition of reverse exorcism?
It’s when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy.
Why are catholic priests called Father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant and a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
What do you call a priest who kills one of his parishioners?
A mass murderer.
Little Boy Blew!
(Little Boy Blew Who?)
Michael Jackson! And probably a priest.
What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
Balls are there just for decoration.
What’s the difference between a penguin and a priest?
You are not scared when the kids are alone with a penguin.
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays?
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The front desk lady says to him “No, it’s just normal porn you sick fuck.”
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits until a boy’s 12 before it comes on his face.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
What do a Catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
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A priest, a pedophile, and a con man walk into a bar.
Then he sits down.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes it’s.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That’s nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: That’s my dad outside.
Man: How much did you say the baseball was again?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it’s..!
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: That’s nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks
Boy: I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.
Man: How much did you say the glove was again?
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
How many sexual partners does a German priest have?
Becoming a priest requires giving up sex but as the old adage says,
“Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.”
What do a priest and a sailor have in common?
They both use bouys to get their vessel in.
A couple wants to have children but the wife can’t get pregnant.
So they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he’s leaving tomorrow.
“As soon as I’ll get there, I’ll immediately light a candle for you,” he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple’s home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children in her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
“Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,” exclaims the priest. “It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?”
“My husband traveled to Rome,” says the wife with a tired look on her face.
“To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?”
“To blow out that bloody candle you lit!”
What do you call a priest who dresses in a nun’s habit?
How do you get a musical priest to like you?
A priest hooks a huge fish.
Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”
“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”.
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
“Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.
“Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop.
“No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest.
“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”.
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
“Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.
“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.
“No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!”
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
“Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey, and says, “You know what? You cunts are alright.”
Did you hear that as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest?
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
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Why did the priest bless his milk?
To pastorize it.
What’s the difference between priests and NASA?
Nasa hasn’t penetrated Uranus yet.
A nun is shopping for groceries. She is pushing a stroller with a baby that is crying loudly.
As she passes by the church, a priest spots her and asks sternly: “What do we have here? A little monastery secret?”
“No, Father”, answers the nun, “it’s a cardinal error.”
What do you say when a priest rolls a joint?
Why don’t catholic priests talk about molestation in the church?
It’s a touchy subject.
A boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
“That’s a grievous sin,” the priest says. “Tell me: Was it Mary O’Hara?”
“Was it Kate Dannaher?”
“Was it Kathleen McGonigle?”
“No, Father. I don’t want to say who it was.”
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, “How’d it go?”
He answers, “Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers… and three great leads.”
Have you guys heard of the importance of washing sex toys?
It’s so important priests made baptisms.
Why did they ban cats in the Vatican?
It’s so all those priests aren’t tempted by all that pussy!
A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.
The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.
The visiting priest says, “Cousin, I couldn’t help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?”
“How dare you! I am a man of the cloth, as are you! I assure you, there is nothing inappropriate going on between us!”
After the visiting priest leaves, the housekeeper says to the priest, “Father, I don’t know how to say this, but our silver gravy ladle is missing, and it’s been missing since your cousin’s visit. I don’t know what to do! I’m sure I didn’t misplace it!”
The priest tells the housekeeper that he’ll handle it. He writes his cousin:
“Dear cousin. A matter of some delicacy has arisen. Our silver gravy ladle is missing. Now I’m not saying you stole it, and I’m not saying you didn’t, but the fact is that it’s missing. If you have anything to tell me about this, please do so.”
In response, the cousin writes back: “Dear cousin. Regarding your letter, I’m not saying you’re sleeping with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you’re not, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would’ve found your silver gravy ladle.”
What’s a priest’s favorite scent?
A fireman, a politician, and a priest.
are at the local library when it catches on fire.
The fireman yells, “Quick, save the kids!” and heads into the building.
The politician says, “Fuck the kids!”
The priest replies, “Oh, do we have time?!”
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What’s the priest’s favorite part of a room full of twenty-five-year-olds?
There’s twenty of them.
An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously.
Embarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says “Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you’ll be doing it yourself soon enough”.
Skeptical, Sean says, “Really, Father?”
The priest replies “Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!”
What does a convicted catholic priest have in common with a proton?
Both have no mass.
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“I burned them.”
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“I poked holes in them.”
The third nun fainted.
How are priests like coal company executives?
They both really just want to fuck the miners.
Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.
For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.
They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father,” and “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said, “Good morning, Father”, and “Good morning, Father.” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute, young lady.” “Yes, Father?” “’We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
“Father, it’s me,” she replied, “Sister Agatha!”
Why did the Catholic priest go to the Disney store?
Because he wanted to get Alladin.
A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.
The Bishop asks him, “How are you managing with the loneliness?”
The Priest responds, “If it wasn’t for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn’t make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?”
The Bishop nods his head yes.
The Priest yells out, “Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky.”
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What do you call a priest in an all-boys preschool?
A firm believer.
Why do Catholic priests make good blackjack dealers?
They’ll hit anything under 17.
A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.
They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.
As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, “Father, Father I’m cold!”
So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. “Is that better Sister?” he asks. “Yes Father, much better,” she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with,
“Father I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. “Is that better Sister?” he asks. “Oh yes Father, that’s much better,” she says. So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call,
“Father, Father I’m just so cold!” The priest thinks long about this and finally says, “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?”
The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can’t help but admit to herself she’s been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, “OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married.”
So the Father replies, “Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!” and rolls over to fall asleep.
What do you get when there are no priests in Church?
A safe environment for children in the community.
A monk, a nun, and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God.
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
The monk says, “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
The nun says, “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
And the priest says, “To always have beer, weed, and hookers.”
What’s a priest’s favorite day of the week?
Saturday, cause it’s for the boys.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17-year-old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.”
“I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
How can a Catholic priest tell God is mad at him?
The only kids left around him are girls.
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There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week.”
How do you know you are getting older?
You walk past a couple of priests and notice they don’t even look your way.
A priest goes to the mechanic.
He tells the mechanic, “Hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it’s leaking oil all over my garage.” The mechanic says, “My apologies Father, we’ll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we’ll have it tip-top for you.”
The priest returns the following day, and he says, “Well, how is it?” The mechanic says, “We found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won’t be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun’s cunt.”
Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, “Better give it another quarter turn.”
What do Cinderella and catholic priests have in common?
Both like balls but only before 12.
A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.
“Do not be frightened,” said Satan. “I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous, and rich in return for just one small favor: half of your ability to hear.”
The priest was stunned. “Let me think about it for a few days.”
The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. “Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!” He told over his strange encounter. The bishop was shocked. “A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!”
But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop. “Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!” He told the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. “Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!”
But the priest wasn’t convinced. He was imagining all the wealth, fame, and power he’d receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope.
The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. “Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!”
“Sorry, could you speak a little louder?” Asked the Pope.
What is the difference between a child molester and a priest?
The priest doesn’t have to abduct you.
A prostitute walks into a church.
She asks one of the nuns where the priest is and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest.
“What troubles you, my child?” he asks.
The prostitute replies, “Sorry, Daddy, but I’ve been a naughty girl.”
The priest sighs and says, “For the 100th time Shannon, it’s ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'”
A priest and a kid walk into the woods at night.
Kid: I’m really scared.
Priest: How do you think I feel? I’m going to have to walk back out of here alone.
A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says, “Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks.”
“Certainly not,” he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says “$200 for a naughty. Interested?”
“No thank you,” he replies flusteredly.
As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he of course refuses. Arriving back at the abbey, he happens upon the Mother Superior. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, “Mother…er…what’s a naughty?
She replies, “Two hundred dollars, just like in Kings Cross.”
What is the main goal of a priest’s diet?
To get a little boy’s ass.
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
What’s the difference between a priest and GTA V?
GTA V has a minimum age requirement.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No,” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
Why did the priest go into babysitting?
Get paid, get laid.
A 16-year-old girl enters a church in tears. “Please Father, help me”
“What is it, my child?”
“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”
The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”
“I don’t know Father. I have not sinned; it just happened.”
The priest raised his eyebrows, concerned. “What you mean my child? Who is the father?”
“There is no father; I have never been close to a man in my entire life.”
“Did something unusual happen? Is a family member pressuring you? Or do you remember passing out at a party after a stranger offered you a drink?”
“Nothing of the sort Father; I’m a shy girl who doesn’t party and I spend most of my days at home.”
“Look. I cannot help you if you do not tell me the truth. If you are not honest with me, I may have to report this to the police.” replied the priest, mildly annoyed.
The girl dropped her defeated eyes to the ground. “I knew it wouldn’t work. I should have listened to my friend”.
The priest smiled, saddened. “I understand how difficult this is, my child. But I promise everything is going to be alright. So what did your friend say?”
“She warned me that the last time a girl managed to pull this one off with a priest, she had to create an entire new religion to cover it up.”
What is a white spot on the head of the priest’s penis?
A baby tooth.
What happens when a priest meets Arnold Schwarzenegger?
We finally get the terminator vs predator crossover.
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, “My bike.”
What’s something similar between priests and McDonald’s?
They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Shouldn’t we finally accept pedophiles as part of the LGBT community?
Maybe then the churches would feel obliged to kick out and expose priests.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.”
Why is the number of black priests so small?
Most of them run away after being called father once or twice.
Why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die?
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
Why can’t priests take Viagra?
On the label of the box, it says to keep away from children.
Do you have a dirty priest joke? Write down your own adult priest puns in the comment section below!