75 Clean Catholic Jokes And Puns for People of All Ages

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Jessica Amlee


Welcome to our collection of Catholic jokes, where we celebrate the lighter side of faith and spread joy through humor. We aim to provide you with a delightful assortment of jokes that the whole family can enjoy while respecting the core values of Catholicism. In this blog, you’ll discover everything from light-hearted anecdotes about priests and nuns to amusing tales of parishioners and their experiences in church.

These kid-friendly jokes not only bring smiles and laughter but also serve as a reminder of the importance of maintaining a sense of humor in our spiritual lives. So, whether you’re looking for a giggle to share with your congregation or simply want to brighten your day, our Catholic jokes are here to entertain and uplift your spirits.

Funny Catholic Jokes

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic

What religion does a cat practice?

How do you make an atheist?
Raise a Catholic.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?
Student: I didn’t even know protons were Catholic.

Why do Catholics fail trigonometry?
Because they’re afraid of sin.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Pew who?)
Pew better hurry up, it’s almost time for Mass!

Why are Catholics so upbeat after religious services?
Because they convert Mass into energy.

How many Jews are at a Catholic school?
Just one.

What is the difference between Catholics and baptists?
Catholics drink on the front porch, baptists drink on the back porch.

What’s the most important part of the Popemobile?
The catholic converter.

Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?
He was a Ramen Catholic.

How many robed Catholic women does it take to change a lightbulb?

What’s the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.

What weapon does a Catholic ninja use?

What’s a New York Irish Catholic view of heaven?
A Knight’s of Columbus with an open bar.

Recommended: Clean Church Jokes

What do you call a Cobra in a Catholic hat?
Pope Nope Rope.

How do you identify the Catholics at a Star Wars convention?
When you say, “May the force be with you!”
The Catholics all respond, “And with your spirit!”

What do you call a Catholic that argues in church?
A mass debater.

Where do cats learn to clean themselves?
At a Cat Lick school.

Which kind of corn holds the highest position in the catholic church?

What did the Atheist mother say to her Catholic son when he tried to say grace?
“Don’t pray with your food.”

Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns?
Because their clothes are mass produced.

What do Catholic cows do on Fridays?
Chew their cod.

How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just stand in the dark and ask God what they did to deserve it.

Why can’t Catholics travel at light speed?
Because they have mass.

What do you call people who are addicted to cats?

What kind of candy do Catholics eat on Sundays?

A Franciscan and Benedictine and a Jesuit are walking down the road when the Holy family appears before them.
The Benedictine falls to his knees and begins praising Christ. The Franciscan immediately goes to Mary and asks if he can help with the baby or if there is anything they need.
The Jesuit walks over to Joseph, casually puts his arm around his shoulders, and says, “So, have you thought about college?”

What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.

How do Catholics make holy water?
They boil the hell out of it.

Recommended: Jesus Jokes

What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?!

What do you call a catholic leader that does weed?
A dope pope.

What do you call a religious nomad?
Roman Catholic.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples.
“Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line, is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

What do Catholics get during mass on Halloween?
Christ Krispie Treats.

How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot?
Pew pew.

How do Roman Catholics cook their food?
In a deep friar.

Why can’t muggers catch Catholics during Lent?
They fast.

Recommended: Lent Jokes

How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass.

What kind of car does a Catholic drive?
A cathillac.

Two seminarians were debating on whether or not it was appropriate to smoke a cigar during the rosary.
Unable to agree on the matter, they decide to ask their superiors. The first seminarian goes to his spiritual director and get’s his opinion. “Of course not, it’s disrespectful,” he says.
Later the first seminarian sees the second one smoking a cigar with a rosary in his other hand. “Hey,” he says, “I thought we can’t smoke while praying!?”
The second seminarian says, “You asked if you can smoke while praying, I asked if I can pray while smoking.”

How do you discretely find out if someone is Catholic?
Ask them how many O’s are in Gloria.

Why can’t Catholics worship at sea?
Because while there are a lot of landmasses, there aren’t any ocean masses.

What did the Romaine Catholic say?
Lettuce pray.

Why is maths so hard in a catholic school?
Students aren’t allowed to sin.

A legendary American football squad existed at a Catholic high school.
Every year, the team played in the state championship game, which they generally won easily. Every capable young man within a few hundred miles desired to play football with the Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who knew the program knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an elderly nun who would get out on the practice field in full habit and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most importantly, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
On the eve of the state championship game one year, some wicked men broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. The news surprised everyone, but none more than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were grieved at their mentor’s death.
The state championship game, as you can expect, did not go well. The Knights were shut out for the first time in the program’s existence. They were defeated 42-0 by the Spartans.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read, “No Offense, Nun Taken.”

Why are there no catholic ghosts?
They’re all boo-dhists.

How do Catholics spend money online?

Recommended: Clean Priest Jokes

Where does an agreeable Catholic eat?

What do you call a Catholic biker gang?
Nuns of Anarchy.

How do we know light is not Catholic?
It has no mass.

How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

What do you call a Catholic marrying a Catholic, and a Protestant marrying a Protestant?
Same Sects Marriage.

Why should you never lose your rosary?
Because you’ll end up searching for decades.

A man goes to a Franciscan and says, “If I pray a novena, will I get a Ferrari?”
The Franciscan replies, “What’s a Ferrari?”
So the man goes to a Jesuit, and asks, “If I pray a novena, will I get a Ferrari?”
The Jesuit replies, “What’s a novena?”
So finally the man goes to a diocesan priest and again asks, “If I pray a novena, will I get a Ferrari?”
The diocesan priest replies, “Well that’s how I got mine.”

What’s the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?
If you see your Catholic friend at the liquor store, he’ll say ‘hello.’

Recommended: Clean Bible Jokes

Where do cats go when they die?
To Purr-gatory.

Four Bishops are having dinner when one of them keels over in a medical emergency.
It doesn’t look good and they don’t think he is going to make it.
Then one of the bishops says, “Someone get a priest.”

Who is the most implausible biblical figure?
Joshua, Son of Nun.

What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

Yo mama so silly, she thought that the lord would not forgive her sins!

A man goes to confession and he says: “Father, I am assailed by evil thoughts.”
“We’re all assailed by evil thoughts.” says the priest. “It’s the human condition. It’s only a sin if you entertain them.”
“Well, they rather entertain me.”

How can a Catholic get out of jail?
Christian Bale.

A man was listening to his son’s prayer.
The kid started, “Dear Harold…”
Puzzled, the Dad asked, “Who’s this Harold?”
“It’s the name of God,” the son replied.
“Where did you hear that?”
“In church,” came the answer.
The dad was perplexed. “In church??!”
“Yes, of course!” said the son. “They always pray: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'”

Recommended: Baptism Jokes

What do you call a catholic woman trying to shoot a shot in basketball?
Nun chucks.

A sinner at confession said, “Father, I kicked my bossy mother-in-law out of my house.”
The confessor replied, “My son, tell me your sins first and leave your good deeds for later.”

Yo mama’s so easy, she makes Jack Harkness looks like a Catholic.

A woman walks into a church and starts praying the Rosary. After a string of Hail Mary’s, she hears the voice of Jesus. “Agnes,” he said to the woman. “I am here. What is it you want to ask for?”
The woman ignores him and continues her rosary and her Hail Marys.
“Arise, for I have come to you,” Jesus stepped closer and opened his arms.
The woman continues to ignore him and pray her rosary.
“Agnes, I say to you, I am with you.”
Finally, Agnes looks up. “Be quiet! I’m talking to your mother!”

Why do Catholic Churches smell so good inside?
Must be all the popery.

What do you call a devout Catholic American Actress?
Marilyn Nunroe.

A Dominican, an Augustinian, and a Franciscan are arguing discussing which of them is loved more by God.
Finally, they decide to write him a letter: “God, which of us do you love more?” and they go to sleep.
When they wake up, there’s writing beneath theirs:
My sons, I love you all equally.

-God, SJ

Yo mama so dumb, I asked her if she was a catholic and she said, “Yeah, I’ve loved cats all my life.”

What do you call it when you arrest a bunch of Catholics?
A mass incarceration.

Recommended: Dirty Catholic Jokes

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

A journalist asked Blessed John XXIII (pope from 1958 to 1963), “How many people work in the Vatican?
The pope paused, thought for a bit, and replied, “About half of them.”

What do Catholics and Klingons have in common?
A Diet of Worms.

Do you have another clean Catholic joke? Post your own Catholic puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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