The Pope is the big boss of the Catholic Church, kind of like the CEO of Team Heaven. He wears fancy hats, waves from balconies, and spends a lot of time blessing everything from babies to buildings. But when adults get together, sometimes they create something a little more unexpected, Dirty Pope Jokes. These are jokes where the Pope isn’t being disrespectful, just a little too human, with a wink and a nudge.
Back in the day, people whispered these jokes behind closed doors, laughing way too hard and hoping lightning wouldn’t strike. Our Adult Jokes on Pope take the serious world of robes and rituals and toss a banana peel into it. They’re the guilty giggles that happen when you realize even the holiest topics aren’t safe from a little grown-up humor.
Adult Pope Jokes
Why did Popeye beat up the Pope?
He heard he was going to Mount Olive.
How does the Vatican create grey smoke when a new pope is elected?
By burning all the evidence.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?
A surname/last name.
What do the Pope and a Christmas tree have in common?
The balls are for decoration only.
The Pope gets in a car accident and is rushed to the hospital.
As he opens his eyes and looks around, he smiles and says, “Wow, is this heaven?!?”
The paramedic says, “No, sir, we are taking a shortcut through the children’s section.”
What do you call a catholic leader who does weed?
A dope pope.
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How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It’s Holy Shit.
What is guaranteed to last an hour?
The Pope Cumming.
A priest hooks a huge fish.
Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!”.
“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a F*cker fish”.
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
“Look at this huge f*cker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.
“Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop.
“No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest.
“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner”.
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
“Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.
“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.
“No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a f*cker”, says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!”
The fish tastes just great, and the Pope asks where they got it.
“Well, I caught the f*cker!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the f*cker!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the f*cker!” says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey, and says, “You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black.
Alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief.
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What type of meat does the Pope eat?
Nun.
What’s the difference between blessing and molesting?
Nothing, if you are the Pope.
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
“Grumpy, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”
Grumpy asks, “Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back. “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
The Pope, now really confused by the questions, says, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting…
“Grumpy shagged a penguin!”
“Grumpy shagged a penguin!”
What’s the difference between a pianist and a pope?
The pianist doesn’t get arrested for fingering a minor.
Who would win, a p*dophile or the Pope?
Neither. They’d be too busy touching kids to touch each other.
What did the pope tell the little boy who wants to become a priest?
“Go f*ck yourself.”
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father'”.
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace'”.
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence'”.
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Holiness'”.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a subtle, “Well….”?
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36
When she walks into a room, people say, “Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!”
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Did you guys hear that Pope Benedict died of food poisoning?
He ate a twelve-year-old wein*r.
Why is the Pope against c*ndoms?
It keeps getting stuck on the Choirboys braces.
My friend asked me ‘What does a pope’s d*ck look like?’
I told him not to ask me such stupid questions, even a 5-year-old can answer that.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.
Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination, he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have s*x.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed, and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise, a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having s*x with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having s*x with.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having s*x with, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause, a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”
The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
What do you do if you see a priest having s*x with a nun?
You tell the pope that you saw a holy f*ck.
Why does Pope not play Age of Empires anymore?
He’s busy playing with Age of Consent.
What do you get when you cross the Pope with MJ?
Some really unhappy toddlers.
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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven.
On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: “Sorry about the mix up.”
Clinton: “No problem.”
Pope: “Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.”
Clinton: “Why’s that?”
Pope: “All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”
Clinton: “You’re a day late.”
How do you get the Pope into a Mini?
Take his hat off!
Where does the new Pope stand on pedophilia?
Behind the kids.
Why did the pope allow masturbation?
To have some self control against little kids.
What happened when Pope splashed some Holy Water on Donald Trump?
He began to burn!
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest, “Do you know what arthritis is?”
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
“It’s a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, pr*stitutes, promiscuity, s*x, binges, and other things I dare not say.”
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later, the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften, “How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it.”
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What’s the difference between a catholic pope and acne?
Acne waits till 13 to cum on your face.
Why hasn’t there been a black Pope?
Because black men are afraid of being fathers.
What is the worst thing about being elected Pope?
Having to live in an Italian neighborhood.
If Pope wants to fly to the United States, which airline does he choose?
Virgin Atlantic!
On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.
He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos. Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer and bring them to him.
Within the hour, the photographer is in the Pope’s office. His camera has a huge telephoto lens. “How much for the camera?” sighs the Pope. “Well,” says the photographer, “this is going to make me rich! I can sell the photos to newspapers all over the world! Let’s say €5 million”. “I’ll give you €1m, and a promise my Guards won’t make you disappear as long as you never talk of this to anyone,” snarls the Pope. The photographer agrees, hands over the camera and takes his money.
Later that day, the Pope’s cleaner is dusting around and notices the big camera on the Pope’s desk. “Ooh, your Holiness, that’s a big camera, was it expensive?”
“Expensive?” snorts the Pope, “It cost me a million.”
“A million?” said the cleaner. “They must have seen you coming!”
What did the pope say when he first heard about the s*xual abuse scandal in the Catholic church?
“F*ck those kids.”
Why does the pope wear white?
The stains blend in.
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Why is the Pope not allowed to have a family and kids?
You can’t trust a pope with kids.
What do the Pope and a roller coaster have in common?
Mainly kids ride them.
Why is being pope one of the most sought-after jobs?
Because you can kiss babies without being questioned.
Do you have a dirty Pope joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
