Nuns: the real-life superheroes in habits and wimples, taking vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, while we can’t even commit to a gym membership. They’re out there doing the Lord’s work, one rosary bead at a time, but they also have an inexplicable penchant for turning up in jokes that push the boundaries of holiness. It’s as if the whole world is eager to see these bastions of virtue tip-toe—or shall we say, levitate?—over the line between the sacred and the profane.
And now, to the unholy grail of humor: dirty nun jokes. Let’s be real; they’re the comedy equivalent of dancing in the devil’s playground, where divine decorum meets downright irreverence. But why do these jokes tickle our sacrilegious funny bone so effectively? Perhaps it’s the stark contrast between the purity we associate with nuns and the naughtiness the jokes imply. It’s like watching your yoga instructor down a pint of beer in one gulp—you never saw it coming, but it’s hilarious. You can think of dirty nun jokes as the Swiss Army knife of comedy, cutting through solemnity while uncorking a bottle of cheeky fun. They might not get you to heaven, but they’ll definitely take you on a joyride through comedy purgatory. Amen to that!
Adult Nun Jokes
What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?
Two nuns were riding their bikes together on their way to church one Sunday.
The first nun says to the second nun, “I’ve never come this way before.” The second nun says, “Yeah, it’s the cobblestone.”
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a bl*wjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a bl*wjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown!”
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them.”
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them.”
The third nun fainted.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either…”
How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nun! Nuns don’t screw.
A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
Why did the nun go to a male strip club?
She was seeking guy dance.
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Three nuns die and go to Heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they’re quite easy.
“Who was the first woman?” He says to the first nun.
“Eve.” The gates swing open and she walks in.
“Where did Eve live?” He says to the second nun.
“The Garden of Eden.” The gates swing open once more.
“Now, seeing as you’re the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?” St. Peter says to the third nun.
“Oh, that’s a hard one…”
The gates swing open.
What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?
Do you know how many women have been pope?
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
Sometime later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
“Thank the Lord you are alright!” exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
How did a prostitute become a nun?
Through her “missionary” work course.
What’s black and white and red all over and can’t fit though a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I’m coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
One has hope in her soul The other has soap in her hole.
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How does a nun hold her liquor?
By the ears.
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
She had a drug habit.
What do you call a sexy nun?
A bird of pray.
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
A priest kept chickens in his village. One evening the c*ck went missing. At the church’s pass prayer gathering, the priest asked, “Who has a c*ck?” All the men got up.
“No, I meant who has seen a c*ck?” All the women got up.
“No, no, Who has seen a c*ck that isn’t theirs?” Half the women got up.
“Oh for heaven’s sake, who has seen my c*ck?” All the nuns got up.
How many robed Catholic women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true father?”
“Yes, it is, sister.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the f*ck out of here.”
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Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?
The first one had a stroke.
The second one had a stroke.
And the third one didn’t touch him at all.
Why did they kick the nun out of the convent?
She always had a dirty habit.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
The nuns look at each other, and then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.”
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Why do nuns close their eyes when they pray on their knees?
Because they think the second cumming is getting close.
A nun goes to the priest and says, “Father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
“Thank you for telling me,” he replies “but you’ve been here for years, it’s our church.”
The next day the nun goes to the priest and says, “Father, there’s a broken window in your- I mean, our, church.” He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.
The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says, “There’s a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?” The nun nods and goes looking for it.
It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces, “Father, don’t worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!”
A catholic nun in France died at the age of 118.
Her cause of death was listed as Answered prayer.
A man is driving through the countryside, he passes an old Catholic church and he sees a group of boys outside putting their dicks in the snow.
He pulls over and runs up to the church bangs on the door and a nun answers. He says, “Sister how come these boys have their dicks in the snow? what’s going on?”
The nun replies, “Oh don’t worry, Father Flanigan likes a couple cold ones after mass!”
What did the nun tell the necrophiliac when he asked for sex?
Over my dead body.
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Two priests are in a shower.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. “Oh look,” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser.”
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells, “Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!”
What is the definition of suspicion?
A nun doing push-ups in a cucumber field.
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”
Did you hear about the nun who started watching p*rn?
She regrets picking up the habit.
A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex.
So she asks a woman for advice, and the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse, and gives the man $100. The man says, “Wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing.”
She nun tells the man, “No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
A nun walks into a grocery store.
Nun: Hi I’d like to buy a cucumber.
Clerk: Well, why don’t you buy two, so you can eat one.
A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10-year-old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.
“Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Susie said, “I want to be a doctor.”
“Very nice,” the nun said. “Jenny, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Jenny said, “I want to be a teacher.”
“Excellent answer,” the nun replied. “Martha what are you going to be when you grow up.”
Martha replies, “I want to be a prostitute.”
Hearing that the nun faints.
The little girls all rush forward to the nun laying on the ground and try to help her. Shortly the nun regains consciousness And says in a weak voice, “Martha what did you just say you wanted to be when you grew up?”
Martha says, “I said I wanted to be a prostitute.”
“Oh thank goodness,” the nun said. “For a moment I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant.”
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer t*ts, ya bloody penguins !” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off !”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
What goes black, white, black, white, down a hill?
A fat nun.
A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead.”
He shakes his head and thinks “I must have read that wrong.”
He continues on and a few minutes later sees another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It’s Miraculous!”
He decides he has to see this so he pulls off, and following more signs soon pulls up in front of a large church. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an elderly nun. Very embarrassed, he mutters, “Um..I saw a sign by the highway … am I in the right place?” The nun smiles and says “Of course! Right this way!”
She leads him inside and down many twisting hallways, upstairs and down until he is thoroughly lost. Eventually, they come to a large door and she says, “Give me $200 and go through this door and you will find exactly what you came for.”
He can’t believe this kindly old nun would lie to him, so he hands over the cash and opens the door. The nun pushes him through and the door slams and locks behind him.
He finds himself standing outside at the back of the church in front of another large sign that reads: “Thank you, you have just been f*cked by the Sisters of Mercy.”
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
The doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
The nun said, “Doctor, you can’t be serious – I haven’t had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!”
The Doctor replies, “Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…”
The nun left the doctor in anger and bursts back into the church shouting, “Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!
What do you call a nun stuck in a tornado?
What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.
A nun gets out of bed.
She meets another nun who smiles and says, “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
The nun screams, “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
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What does a teenager with a lisp and a nun have in common?
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says,
“Just this once.” Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, “Well, alright, as long as you don’t get into the habit.”
Did you hear about the horny preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
Nun showed up.
Do you have a dirty nun joke? Write down your own adult nun puns in the comment section below!