40 Dirty Bible Jokes And Puns for Religious Adults

Updated on:

Jessica Amlee


The Bible stands as one of the world’s most influential texts, guiding billions through its intricate tales, moral parables, and spiritual teachings. Tracing the journey of numerous prophets, kings, and ordinary individuals, this revered book delves deep into the human psyche, exploring themes of faith, redemption, sacrifice, and the eternal battle between good and evil. Through stories that span oceans and deserts, it offers glimpses of a world from epochs past, yet its teachings remain ever-relevant, shaping the core beliefs of many civilizations and cultures.

While the Bible is held in the highest esteem for its profound teachings, humor has an uncanny ability to bridge even the most solemn domains. Dirty Bible jokes, treaded with caution, playfully venture into blending the biblical narratives with a touch of risqué humor. It’s like imagining Samson as the first to use hair gel or pondering what Adam might have really said to Eve on their first date. It’s essential, however, to approach such humor with a sense of responsibility and sensitivity, understanding that while laughter is universal, reverence for sacred texts is paramount. When done right, these jokes can offer a playful twist to familiar tales, ensuring that humor, even in its cheekiest form, is inclusive and respectful.

Adult Bible Jokes

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you’re high.
“A man who lays with another man should be stoned.” [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

The Bible tells us to love each other.
The Kamasutra is more specific.

Any funny pickup line?
“Hey girl, are you the Bible? Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.”

Did you know PMS is mentioned in the Bible?
“…and Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”

Why is Adam considered the fastest person in the Bible?
He came first in the human race.

Did you know the Bible actually predicted that gay parades would be held during the summer?
Pride comes before the fall.

Recommended: Dark Jesus Jokes

What’s a gynecologist’s favorite bible book?

What is the favorite phrase of priests in the bible? 
Matthew 19:14 “Let the little children come to me…”

Did you hear that The Bible first introduced STDs?
Moses and the burning bush.

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to f*ck us?'”
“That’s terrible!” says the priest. “But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I’ve taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord.” So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want to f*ck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!”

Recommended: Clean Bible Jokes

The bible says “Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you!”
But isn’t that sexual harassment?!

What do you say when you see the Pope in the toilet?
“Holy shit!”

A man and his wife are on their bed one night.
Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she’s trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.
She didn’t mind it at first, but then her husband started losing interest in sex. This was her main problem.
As she was about to sleep, she felt a tingling sensation in her pants. She half-opens her eyes and sees her husband fingering her so well unlike anything she ever felt in her life. A few moments later, she comes. She proceeds to undress hastily, but her husband stops her.
“Honey, put your clothes back on.”
He goes back to his bible and splits two pages stuck together.
“I just needed to wet my fingers.”

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.
That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

What do the bible and a gun have in common?
They both give people stories of fire death and pain.

How do you know Jesus was a Jew?
He lived at home until he was thirty. He went into his father’s line of work. Until his dying day, he thought his Mother was a virgin and she though he was God.

A girl is sleeping in her religious studies class.
The teacher asks the class, “According to the Bible, who created man?” The boy sitting next to the sleeping girl is bored and wet willies the girl. She wakes up and screams, “OH GOD!” The teacher replies, “Correct!” The girl falls asleep again.
Next, the teacher asks the class, “Who is the son of God?” The boy is still bored and wet willies the girl again. She wakes up and screams, “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher is impressed. The girl falls asleep again.
Finally, the teacher asks, “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 27th child?” The boy wet willies the girl again. She wakes up and screams, “That’s the last f*cking time you’re ever putting that thing inside me and if you ever do it again I’ll slice it off and shove it up your ass.”

Who’s the most flexible man in the Bible?
Job – he tied his ass to a tree and walked all the way to Jerusalem.

What’s Warzone and The Bible have in common?
Both get updated alot.

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back, “Revelation 3:20 “, and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation, “Genesis 3:10.” Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

Recommended: Dirty Nun Jokes

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar — he was on grass for seven years.

What’s the difference between a Mexican and the Bible?
The bible has papers.

A priest was driving a nun to church.
But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun, “I’m sorry sister but I have been dreaming of doing this!” He proceeds to stop driving while he puts his hands under her robes and strokes her legs. The nun replies with, “Father, remember Psalm 143:24!” The Priest responds with, “I am sorry sister but the flesh is weak!” The Father sees the cross in their car and is reminded that he should not be doing this. He says, “I’m sorry sister, I have given to temptation!” The nun sighs and they continue driving.
When they reach the church, out of curiosity the priest finds a bible and checks Psalm 143:24 it says, “Go further up and you will find what you seek!”

What is a female Christian virgin’s favorite book of the Bible?
First Peter.

What’s the perfect place for the bible in the library?
Fiction next to Quran.

A church minister spends the night in a motel. When a maid named Carol comes in to clean the room in the morning, he makes a pass at her.
“I thought you guys weren’t allowed to have sex or whatever?” Carol says.
“No. It’s fine!” says the minister. “I can have sex with you all I want. It’s written in the bible.”
“Well, if it’s written in the Bible… I guess so.”
They f*ck.
When it’s over, the maid asks the guy to show her where it’s written in the bible. He opens up the cover of the hotel bible and shows her writing on the first page. “Carol is a slut.”

Did you hear about the man who has a bible fetish?
He just came to that revelation.

What is the similarity between the Bible and young boys?
Priests love them both.

Recommended: Dirty Catholic Jokes

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop, an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.
As the train gets underway, the priest looks at the three with disdain and says, “Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I’ll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible.” The Englishman pipes up and says, “The three Kings?” The Father O’Malley tuts and shakes his head. The Scott chimes in and says, “God, Judas, and the donkey?” This gets a great laugh from his companions, but the priest is unimpressed. He looks at Paddy, but he just shrugs and continues drinking.
As the train went through a tunnel, the lights momentarily shut off, and in the darkness, the beautiful woman leaned over and passionately kissed the drunken Irishman. In his astonishment, Paddy blurts out, “Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!!”
As the lights go back on, Father O’Malley looks up and proudly says, “Well done lad, I knew you had it in you,” and hands over the 50.

In Catholic school, they used biblical stories to explain STDs,
That’s how they explain the burning bush.

Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?
Cain. He wasn’t Abel.
Moses. He took 2 tablets.
Balaam. He couldn’t move his ass(it’s in the Bible, look it up).
King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.
King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.

Who was the very first carpenter?
Eve because she made Adam’s Banana Stand.

What did Jesus say while he was on the cross, that they took out of the original Bible?
“Father, why has thou given me a BDSM fetish?”

Three nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they’re quite easy.
“Who was the first woman?” He says to the first nun.
“Eve.” The gates swing open and she walks in.
“Where did Eve live?” He says to the second nun.
“The Garden of Eden.” The gates swing open once more.
“Now, seeing as you’re the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?” St. Peter says to the third nun.
“Oh, that’s a hard one…”
The gates swing open.

What did God say when Eve washed her vag for the first time in the ocean?
“Oh dear… the fish are never gonna get rid of that smell.”

Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?
They fall through the holes in his hands.

Recommended: Dirty Priest Jokes

During biblical times Jesus was walking around Jerusalem and stumbled across a woman about to be stoned to death for a crime she committed.
As the crowd around her was about to kill her, Jesus walked up and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, he or she who has no sin, may cast the first throw.” And out of nowhere a huge rock flies from the back of the crowd, hits the woman square in between her eyes, and kills her instantly. Jesus looks up and out to the crowd and said, “Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!”

Did you know that the Black Panther movie is talked about in the Bible?
Yep. When Jesus was able to Wakanda water.

What is the difference between a penis and the bible?
Nothing, they both get shoved down your throat by a catholic priest.

Do you have a dirty Bible joke? Write down your own adult Christian puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

2 thoughts on “40 Dirty Bible Jokes And Puns for Religious Adults”

Leave a Comment