40 Dirty Jesus Jokes And Puns for Twisted Adults

Updated on:

Jessica Amlee


Jesus Christ is a figure who commands reverence across various cultures and religions, known for his teachings of love, forgiveness, and eternal hope. His life, depicted in the New Testament, has been a source of inspiration for countless artworks, literature, and acts of charity. With a persona so monumental, it’s no surprise that he has also become a central figure in the world of humor. The dichotomy between the sacred and the comic has given rise to a niche but a vibrant subset of humor: jokes that play on the themes and imagery associated with Jesus, often tiptoeing on the edge of what’s considered taboo.

Now, when it comes to dark Jesus jokes, we tread into a territory that’s as controversial as it is comedic. These dirty Catholic jokes flip the script of traditional narratives, using irony and a touch of the macabre to highlight the absurdities of life and even faith itself. They are not for the faint-hearted or the easily offended, instead catering to those who find a guilty pleasure in humor that’s as dark as Judas’s intentions. We won’t divulge any punchlines, but it’s safe to say that the contrast between the respectable and the disrespectful may provide for some very surprising moments of humor.

Dark Christ Jokes

Why is Jesus terrible in bed?
Because it takes him 3 days to rise.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?
Because no one could find three wise men or a virgin.

What do your old eraser and Jesus have in common?
Both died for your mistakes.

What do Jesus and 12-year-olds have in common?
Getting nailed by Catholics!

Why was the Roman so happy after crucifying Jesus?
Because he nailed it.

At the last supper, Jesus lifted the bread and spoke, “This is my body.”
He then lifted the wine and said, “This is my blood.”
He lifted a jar of mayo…
Peter interrupted, “Okay, that’s enough!”

Why did the geometry teacher keep talking about Jesus?
He was fascinated by the cross-references.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?
It only takes one Nail to hang the Picture.

“Jesus loves you.”
A nice thing to hear at Christmas.
A terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What is the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
A hooker does not hang around after getting nailed.

Recommended: Funny Jesus Christ Jokes

It’s the day of Jesus’ crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill.
Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus calls to Peter, and again, Peter attempts to answer, but the guards bring him to a halt. Peter weeps in remorse.
One last time, Jesus moans at Peter’s appearance. Determined not to fail his Grace, Peter shoves past the standing guards and triumphantly stands at the bleeding feet of his King.
“My Lord, anything for you. What is it, my King?”
“Peter,” Jesus painstakingly replies.
“Yes, what is it you must tell me?” Peter anxiously asks.
“Peter, I, I, I can see your house from up here.”

Why did Jesus cross the road?
He didn’t cross the road he rode the cross.

A Catholic met an Asi*n guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said, “No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asi*n guys look the same to you?”
The Catholic said, “No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?”

Did you know Jesus only had one org*sm his entire life?
We’re still waiting for the second coming.

Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
Because he kept getting nailed to the boards!

Jesus and Moses return to Earth for a vacation.
They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, “let’s see if we can still perform miracles.” Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, show a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.
Jesus says, “That’s pretty good, I bet I can still walk on the water.” Jesus steps on the lake and sinks immediately.
He tries five more times, and each one is a failure. Finally, Jesus, soaking wet, sits on the bank of the lake and says, “I just don’t get it. You were able to perform your miracle with ease. Why can’t I?”
Moses replies, “I bet it has something to do with the holes in your feet.”

Why was Jesus a good farmer?
He wasn’t, but he was a damn good scarecrow.

What band does Jesus Christ hate the most?
Nine Inch Nails.

Recommended: Dirty Bible Jokes

Why do people think Jesus is coming back?
He wasn’t nailed to a boomerang.

How do you know Jesus was gay?
Cause he was nailed by a bunch of dudes.

What would Jesus post if he had OnlyFans?
“Watch me get nailed”.

There was a man driving around downtown with a sign in his back window. “2 prostitutes for sale $50”
He gets pulled over and the cop says “Hey you can’t have that sign in your window.” Suddenly another car blows by with another sign saying Jesus saves. The man asks why the cop didn’t pull that guy over. The cop explains, “It’s religious.”
A week later the cop pulls over the same guy with a new sign saying “Two fallen angels looking for Peter $50.”

Why is Jesus the best at edging?
He hasn’t came in 2000 years.

Why do the ladies love Jesus?
Because he’s hung like this…(spread arms).

What did the gay Jewish man say to Jesus Christ?
“Love the nails!”

Yo mama so old, she has a signed copy of the Old Testament and a Jesus Christ rookie card.

Recommended: Adult Priest Jokes

Jesus is standing in front of Mary Magdalene to protect her from the angry people. He says, “Thou who hath not sinned may cast the first stone.”
The townsfolk all drop their stones. All of a sudden there is a rumbling sound from the top of the mountain. A boulder comes rolling down and squashes Mary Magdalene flat. Jesus turns to the mountain looks up and yells, “MOM!”

Do you know who invented the ‘dirty weekend’?
Jesus. Took him 3 days to come.

What’s the difference between a sign and Jesus?
The sign only needs one nail.

What was Jesus’s favorite mayonnaise?
Miracle whip.

One friend said to another, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” The other replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
The other said, “No. Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

What did Mary say on 26 December?
“Jesus Christ that hurt.”

Why are Phub premium users like Jesus?
They pay for our sins.

Why is Joseph jealous of Jesus?
Because Jesus has a second coming while Joseph didn’t even get a first.

Recommended: Adult Easter Jokes

What do Jesus and Viagra have in common?
Raising the dead.

Did you hear about the time Jesus overdosed on male enhancement pills?
He was hung for, like, three days.

What did Jesus drop in his toilet?
Holy sh*t!

Did you hear about Jesus’ crossword?
He got stuck on 2 across.

Do you have a dark joke about Jesus Christ? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

2 thoughts on “40 Dirty Jesus Jokes And Puns for Twisted Adults”

Leave a Comment