75 Funny Divorce Jokes That Are Cheaper Than Alimony

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Jessica Amlee

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Divorce is like pressing the ‘escape’ key on a keyboard when the computer of marriage freezes. It’s the unplanned ‘game over’ in the video game of ‘happily ever after.’ But rather than viewing it as a dark, gloomy cloud, consider it more like hitting the reset button for an opportunity to score anew in the game of life. Just like when you rearrange a jigsaw puzzle, sometimes the pieces just fit better in a different picture. And in this colorful world of newly single life, there’s an unexpected side quest of Divorce Jokes.

Now, Divorce Jokes are the secret sauce at post-divorce parties, like finding humor in the instruction manual of ‘How to be Single Again. They’re not about being mean or bitter; it’s more like laughing in the face of a situation that’s already absurd enough. Imagine a stand-up comedy show at a singles’ mixer where the main act is life itself. These jokes are like the comic relief in a sitcom about life’s reruns, helping everyone remember that laughter is still on the menu, even if ‘happily ever after’.

Best Divorce Jokes

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Never get married. It’ll only end in divorce. The statistics don’t lie.
100% of divorces started with marriage. Can’t say no one didn’t warn you.

Why do horses have low divorce rates?
They have stable relationships.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Alimony who?)
The Alimony Lawyer who got all the money one could have in the world!

This wife said that she wanted a divorce because her husband played too many video games.
The husband said, “What a stupid thing to fallout 4!”

What do you call a man who has been married and divorced multiple times?
Lord of the Rings.

Recently, a man was asked, “What’s the worst thing about being divorced three times?”
With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers…”
“How is that a bad thing?” his friend wondered.
He replied, “Every time I’ve divorced, they’ve kept my house.”

What do you call a man who’s lost 75% of his brain capacity?

Did you know people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce?
They can’t see the red flags.

What do you call a divorce lawyer’s file cabinet?
The Ex Files.

“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

How are Republicans and Democrats like divorced parents?
They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

Little Johnny’s parents divorced over monopoly.
His father was mono and his mother was poly.

What did the divorced Texas woman say to her ex-husband?
Remember the alimony.

Why did the two pirates get divorced?
They got into an ARRRRRRRgument.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “I can’t take it anymore she’s out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight.”
The judge responds, “What’s she doing?”
The guy says, “Looking for me!”

Why did the musician’s wife file for a divorce?
She was sick of the domestic violins.

Recommended: Funny Domestic Violence Jokes

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her divorce from Kanye?
“North, things between West and I have gone South.”

Why did the leopard and the jaguar get divorced?
One of them was a dirty cheetah.

Why shouldn’t you go on Tinder?
Go to the Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It will show you recently divorced females. From there you can filter by size.

An old man calls his son and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” She calls their father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Jeff Bezos is now divorced.
He must have realized that marriage counted as a union.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana.
The judges have started issuing joint custody.

Why did dad divorce mom after hiking Mt. Everest?
Mom got frostbite, and had toes amputated. Dad’s lack-toes-intolerant.

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologized.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”

Why did the woman divorce the grape?
She was tired of raisin’ kids.

Recommended: Jokes About Woman

Why did the Geologist’s wife divorce him?
He took her for granite.

What do you get for the woman who has everything?
A divorce, then she’ll only have half of everything.

A wife is yelling at her husband.
“Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!”
As he walks out the door she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
The guy says, “So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

A husband-and-wife team is opening a new coffee shop that will also serve as a family law practice.
They’re calling it Grounds For Divorce.

Why did Rocky Balboa get divorced?
He was better off Stalone.

What happens when clowns divorce?
It usually results in a custardy battle.

A 95-year-old man and his 94-year-old wife see a lawyer about a divorce. The lawyer asks them when they got married.
“I was 19,” says the man.
“That means you’ve been married for 75 years at least,” the lawyer points out.
“Yes. And all of it misery,” says the woman.
“Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?”
“Almost immediately,” says the man. “I hated her after about two years, and every year it gets worse. Everything about her is obnoxious and irritating.”
“Oh lord,” says the woman, “I lasted three years but after that tolerating him in any way has been a huge problem. He has awful habits and treats me like trash.”
The lawyer thinks for a moment.
“Well, I can help you get divorced, but why did you wait so long to apply for one if you’ve hated each other the whole time?”
She says, “We were waiting for the children to die.”

What do you call a divorce in Prague?
Separate Czechs.

Two earthquakes decided to end their marriage.
It was a no-fault divorce.

What can you serve but not eat?
Divorce papers.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious!” the assistant states. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

Why did the pirate couple get divorced?
Cause they just couldn’t keep their hands off other people’s booty.

Why did the divorced dad have a vitamin D deficiency?
He wasn’t getting enough Son.

What comes after a billion?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed, and the couple is still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

What do you get if you divorce your mail-order bride?
A FedEx-Wife.

Yo mama so ugly, yo dad divorced her to marry a man.

Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house!”

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up.
However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they get a semicolon.
They’re great at separating independent Clauses.

Did you hear about the Apple who divorced his wife after she gave birth to twins?!?
He saw they were a Pear.

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was too kneady.

Possession is 90% of the law.
The other 10% is divorce.

Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
“Have you any grounds?”
“Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.”
“No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It’s made of concrete.”
“I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have a carport, and we don’t need one.”
“I mean what are your relations like?”
“All my relations are still in Poland.”
“Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”
“Does your wife beat you up?””No, I’m always up before her each morning.”
“Is your wife a nagger?”
“No, she’s white.”
“Why do you want this divorce?”
“She’s going to kill me.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I’ve got proof.”
“What kind of proof?”
“She’s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.”

What is the number one cause of divorce in America?

Why did the crab’s wife divorce him?
Because he was shellfish.

When does a lawyer settle?
When the money is gone.

A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks.

Why did the circle divorce the square?
He was never ’round.

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

How is divorce like an Espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.

Why did the soup cans get a divorce?
Because they wouldn’t consommé their marriage.

Three divorced men find a genie. The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. “You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex-wife.”
The first man blurts out, “Well, we did end on good terms so… How about $1 million? She’ll get two, and everyone is happy.”
The genie grants his wish, and he scoops up his money.
The second man shakes his head and replies, “F*ck that. My ex is a blood-sucking wh*re. Give me a McLaren! She won’t know what to do with one, let alone two. Hell, she can’t even drive. It may even kill her trying…”
The genie grants his wish, and he drives off.
The third guy contemplates some more before he finally speaks. “I want you to scare me half to death.”

Who gets the pot plant when stoners get divorced?
Both, they have joint custody.

Did you hear about the jello family that got divorced?
The father gets congeal visits.

Dad: I’m having a divorce from your mother.
Son: Hi having a divorce with your mother, I’m son.
Dad: No you’re not, that’s why we’re having a divorce.

Why can’t watermelons get divorced?
Well, they cantaloupe in the first place.

What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?
“Are you f*cking Sirius?”

How do you get a new dishwasher?
You file for a divorce.

A thrice-divorced woman is giving love another try.
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn’t want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad in a newspaper with her story that she was still available.
A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opened the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, “Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend.” The woman was confused. “What makes you think you’re gonna be better than my last 3?” She inquired. “Well,” he began. “I have no arms, so I won’t abuse you. I have no legs, so I won’t abandon or run away from you.”
“But how are you in bed?” She asked.
And his response was, “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A wife sued her husband for divorce because she said he couldn’t get an erection.
He had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn’t stand up in court.

Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they are worth it.

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie… “Mr. Mouse”, says the judge, “I’m afraid you can’t get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange.”
“I didn’t say she was a little strange, I said she was f*cking Goofy.”

Why did yellow divorce red?
Because red blue green.

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom
and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody’s gonna lose their trailer.

What did Yoda tell Anakin after sleeping with Padame behind his back?
“May divorce be with you!”

Do you have a funny joke about divorce? Write down the puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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