Some people cry when life goes wrong. Others crack Gallows Humor Jokes and keep walking. Gallows humor is when someone laughs about dark or serious things like death, illness, or bad luck. It’s not because they’re heartless, it’s because humor is their survival tool. It’s like laughing at the storm while holding a leaky umbrella.
People who use Gallows Humor Jokes don’t wait for things to get better. Instead, they start laughing while everything’s still on fire. These jokes turn fear, pain, and bad luck into something a little less scary. They help people take control of the moment, even when the moment looks like it came straight out of a disaster movie.
Funny Gallows Humor Jokes
Why does gallows humor not always have a punchline?
Sometimes, they prefer to keep you hanging.
A prisoner was told how he would be executed.
Needless to say, he was shocked.
What did the prisoner who was about to be executed say when the hangman ran out of rope?
“No noose is good news, I guess!”
Death: “Jack! Your time is up. I’m here to take you.”
Jack: “Not today, please. I have a lot more to do.”
Death: “Oh no, you’re the first on the list to die.”
Jack: “Alright, let me finish what I’m doing first. Even better—how about I make you some coffee while you wait?”
(Jack puts sleeping pills in the coffee. When Death falls asleep, Jack sneaks over, erases his name, and writes it at the bottom of the list.)
Death: “Whoa! My friend, I slept well. You’re a good person, Jack. You treated me kindly. Because of that… I’ll just start with the last one on the list.”
Let’s hope death is a woman.
That way it will never come for you.
Why was there a huge crowd to see the first guillotine execution?
Because it was the latest cutting edge technology.
Gary used to be an executioner at the gallows, but he got fired.
He could never get the hang of it.
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”
The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I’d cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, ‘At least cut my nose off first.’”
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, “That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?”
“Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny,” said the murderer. “After all, good comedy is all about execution.”
Recommended: Offensive Jokes
The cannibal faces his death sentence and is asked, “Any wishes for your last meal?”
He shouted, “Five guys!”
Do you know why disembowelment isn’t used as a form of execution?
Because semi-colons don’t complete a sentence!
Doctor: “I think the patient is dying. What’s his blood type?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.”
What did the Mexican hangman serve his victims as a last meal?
Pico de Gallows.
What’s the best part about being blind?
You don’t need a near-death experience for your entire life to flash before your eyes.
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are all sentenced to death by the guillotine.
The executioner tells the men, “If I pull the lever and the blade doesn’t drop, you’re free to go. And your sentence will count as paid in full.”
As the Doctor steps up to the guillotine, the executioner asks, “Would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face up. It won’t matter,” replies the doctor.
The executioner pulls the lever, but nothing happens. “I guess you’re free to go,”
The lawyer steps up to the guillotine. The executioner asks, “Would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face down. I don’t want to see what happens.”
Once again, the executioner pulls the lever, and nothing happens. The lawyer is released and free to go.
The engineer walks up to the guillotine. The executioner asks, “Would you like to be face down or face up?” “Hmmm. Ah, what the hell, I’ll go face up.” Responds the engineer.
As the executioner reaches for the lever, the engineer cries out, “Wait, wait, wait! I think I see the problem!”
What did the battery say when facing certain death in battle?
“CHARGE!”
Recommended: Funeral Jokes
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you are prepared for the Reaper Cushions.
It was rumoured that Stephen Hawking admitted prior to his death, if in great pain, he may consider assisted suicide.
Or “Task Manager”, as he calls it.
A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows….
He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, “Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?”
The guy nods. “Yup. We’re fixin’ to hang Brown Paper Larry.”
The cowboy’s brow furrows. “How come he’s called Brown Paper Larry?”
“Well,” says the guy, “the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks.”
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, “What are ya hangin’ him for?”
“Rustling.”
Death is pans*xual.
It comes for everyone.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
That’s the last thing I need.
How do you execute coffee?
By decaf-itation.
Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and are preparing for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”
The man thinks hard and finally decides on the electric chair. After he has sat down on the chair and has been tied, “Any last words?” the warden asks. The man stays silent. “Very well, on with it,” says the warden, and one of the guards pulls the switch.
The man is awaiting his death, but to his surprise, nothing happens. He tries his luck and to the warden he says, “Look, nothing’s happening. This must be a divine intervention.”. The warden, being a religious person, doesn’t want to get in the way of God, so he agrees. “You may be correct,” he says, and then tells the guards to escort him back to his chamber.
While on the way to his chamber, he sees the other man lined up for death, and he quickly goes up to him and whispers, “The chair isn’t working, trust me.”. The other man thinks to himself, What do I have to lose if it does work? So once again, the warden asks the man: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”
The man immediately replies with “I’ll take the chair”, and the warden nods. The guards sit him down and tie him up. “Any last words?” the warden asks, and the man stays silent. “Very well, off you go,” the warden says, and one of the guards pulls the switch. To the warden’s surprise and the man’s favour, nothing happens. “Wow,” the man says, “must be God intervening!”. The warden gets suspicious, but again, not wanting to take his chance with God, tells the prisoners to escort him back to his cell.
On his way to his cell, he sees the blonde woman on her way to the execution chambers, and thinks “The other man did me a favour, I should pass it forward.”. He goes up to the blonde and whispers, “The electric chair is broken, trust me”. The woman nods her head and goes on her way.
The warden once again asks, “So how would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”.
The blonde responds, “Well, apparently the chair is broken, so I’ll take the firing squad”
Recommended: Morbid Jokes
If you joke about dying, that’s gallows humour.
But if you joke about c*cks, that’s gallus humour.
How are bottles executed?
Decapitation.
Two men, about to be hanged from the gallows.
Dave turns to John and asks, “Dave, why did the chicken cross the road?”
John replied, “I don’t know.”
Dave said, “Me neither, but I’ll see you on the other side.”
No one appreciates gallows humor anymore.
It’s a dying art.
Dark humor is like capital punishment.
Most people appreciate the spectacle, but true fans appreciate the execution.
A prisoner has been sentenced to death by the court, and the day of execution has arrived. He looks out of the bars in his cell window and sees that the weather outside is horrendous.
The prison guard opens the door to lead the condemned man to the gallows in the prison courtyard.
As he’s escorting the prisoner to the gallows in the torrential rain, the prisoner turns to the guard and says, “Bloody typical!”
The guard looks at him and says, “What is?!”
“Well,” says the prisoner, “It’s my last day in earth and it’s absolutely pissing it down.”
The guard looks at him and says, “Not sure why you’re moaning about it mate.. I’ve got to walk back in this”.
What did they say of the stud who died on the gallows?
“Hung like a horse!”
Will Glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Recommended: Grim Reaper Jokes
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows.
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
“Aren’t you worried about dying?” A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: “Fake noose.”
How did the beggar survive the gallows?
Poor execution.
Why could you never starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sandwhich is there.
Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on.
The TV grabs the men’s attention as the reporter begins talking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he’ll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching TV. About 10 minutes later, the man jumps off the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.
“No, no,” says the first man, “I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time.”
“I saw it too,” says the second man. “I just didn’t think he was stupid enough to do it again.
What would happen if a piano fell on you?
You’d b-flat.
What is death’s favorite time of day?
Mourning.
In Ireland, there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.
Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him were his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men, but the fourth…wasn’t. Aiden was a bit scrawny and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:
“Mary…I’ve not much time left. So I want to ask you something that’s bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth…is Aiden really my son?”
Mary says, “Seamus, as God is my witness, I swear on all that’s good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child.”
With that, Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face, and said, “Whew…thank God he didn’t ask about the other three!”
What are you guilty of when you tickle a man to death?
Manslaughter.
Recommended: Death Jokes
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.
The executioner left him hanging.
If someone burns to death.
Do they get a discount at the crematorium?!
A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.
The man says, “Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? Hanging around?” He then bursts out laughing.
The criminal responds, “This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot.”
The man stops and looks at it, and then says, “Huh. I guess we’re both losing our heads today.”
What’s the hardest part of death?
Making it look like an accident.
What did the inmate say before he was hanged on the gallows?
“Mannnnn… My neck is really killing me today.”
What do you call a dream before death?
Final Fantasy.
A man on his deathbed was speaking with his wife.
“Helen,” he said, “We’ve been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side.”
His wife solemnly replied, “I remember, dear.”
“Helen,” he continued, “when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn’t think I could go on, but you were by my side.”
His wife began to softly cry, “I know, dear.”
“And now,” the man went on, “I’m about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?”
His wife sobbed, “Right here by your side, dear.”
“Helen,” the man said, “I’m beginning to think you might be bad luck.”
Why did the murderer ask for a new hairstyle before he was executed?
He wanted to go out with a bang.
Recommended: Cemetery Jokes
The condemned couldn’t help but notice how well-built the gallows were. So impressed was he that he decided to invest his entire life savings in the company.
But then the bottom fell out.
What does the executioner say to the condemned man at the gallows?
“Keep your head up!”
It’s said that just before death, your entire life flashes before your eyes.
Not in the case of Buddhists. They hear ‘Spawning in 3..2..1..’
Your name backward is the cause of your death.
Liam: Mail?
Reggina: …
What kind of literature was Jesus into before his death?
Cruci-fiction.
Do you have a Gallows Humor joke? Write down your dark ones in the comment section below!
