Cemeteries, with their air of mystery and lingering echoes of the past, have always been locales that inspire a shiver down one’s spine, especially when Halloween approaches. As the veil between the worlds of the living and the departed is said to thin during this season, cemeteries transform from places of quiet reflection to eerie grounds where ghostly apparitions might just step out for a moonlit waltz. The rustling leaves, the age-old tombstones bathed in the pale glow of the moon, and the silent whispers of stories long forgotten all come together to give cemeteries an otherworldly aura that’s hard to shake off even after you leave its gates.
Now, despite the solemnity attached to these resting places, there’s a certain humor to be found in the juxtaposition of the living and the ‘not-so-living’. Cemetery jokes, believe it or not, have a way of adding levity to the dense atmosphere of these hallowed grounds. Picture this: Why did the ghost go to the party at the cemetery? Because he heard it was going to be a ‘grave’ time! Or consider the skeleton who refused to lie down in his tomb because he had a ‘bone to pick’! It’s a way for us to cope, to laugh in the face of our own mortality, and to remember that even in places filled with memories of the past, there’s room for a chuckle or two. After all, every ghost probably appreciates a good laugh now and then!
Spooky Cemetery Jokes
An airplane crashed into a cemetery.
Rescuers have already pulled 10,000 dead bodies from the wreckage and are still pulling out more.
Did you hear about a local cemetery running out of space?
It’s a grave issue.
What is a skeleton’s favorite form of measurement?
Graveyards.
Why do cemeteries have fences?
Because people are dying to get in.
What happens when a necrophile enters a cemetery?
It becomes a sementery.
What’s the difference between a cemetery and a golf course?
There’s only 18 holes in a golf course.
How many dead people do you think are buried in that cemetery?
All of them.
Have you heard about the new goth dating app called graveyard?
Instead of liking someone, you dig them.
A man went camping this weekend with his girlfriend’s family. The campsite was near a historical cemetery a short hike away. They had no signal at the campsite but the girlfriend’s mom said, “Maybe we will be able to get a signal when we hike up to the cemetery.”
The man said, “Nah it’s a dead zone up there.”
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How do you get a secret message out of a cemetery?
You decrypt it.
Why are cemeteries so noisy?
Because of all of the coughin’.
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust!”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
What does a cemetery sound like?
Dead silence.
Why can’t you get good cell service in a cemetery?
Because it’s a dead zone.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying, “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
“Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued, “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said, “What about the two at the gate?”
What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery?
A maraca band.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s bad for the environment.
Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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Why is not advisable to take GPS to a cemetery?
Because you don’t want to hear ‘you’ve reached your final destination’.
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father’s tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
“Is this your only child?” asked the landowner.
“No, I have 12 children” replied the man.
“Then where are the other 11 kids?”
“In the cemetery with my wife,” he calmly replied.
What do they call a cemetery where it’s a mix of different religions and creeds?
A melting plot.
What currency do graveyard groundskeepers trade with?
Crypt-toe currency.
A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologized.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”
What’s Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing.
What kind of fruit do you grow in a graveyard?
Straw-buries.
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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
Did you hear about the man who invested in a rodent cemetery?
He lost money because of the diminishing rat urns.
Why is Superman afraid of graveyards in the evening?
He’s afraid of running into some crypt tonight.
A woman is sitting by her late husband’s grave after the funeral.
A man walks up and asks the woman, “May I say a word.” The woman looks at him with tears in her eyes and says, “You may!” The man looks down at the grave and says, “Abundant.”
The woman smiles at him and says, “Thanks, that means a lot!”
What’s the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?
Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.
A girl ran up to this man at the cemetery and said, “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
The man said, “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”
When does a graveyard become a raveyard?
When the technomancer shows up.
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says,” Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!”
Paddy says, “What’s his name?”
Mick replies, “Miles, from London.”
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What do you call a graveyard full of dis*bled people?
A vegetable garden.
A kid was driving with his father when they passed a cemetery. The father goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And the kid was like what is it? The father continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” The kid was really confused so he asked why.
The father rasped, “Cause they’re still alive!”
Why are cemeteries always in the middle of towns?
Because it’s the dead centre.
What should a person working in a graveyard never do when in a fight?
Dig a deeper hole.
A man’s wife left him Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death. Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman. “Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I’ll pay you $100, that’s all I have.”
The watchman agreed. After that, the man got into his car and left the cemetery in a hurry. He was confused and did not look where he was going and before he could realize what was happening, he knocked down another cop. He was even more confused – it’s not every day that you’re lucky enough to hit a cop twice. He needed to pull himself together and figure out what to do. He came up with an unusually stupid plan: He drove back to the cemetery and quietly threw the second cop to the watchman while he was distracted.
The watchman finished burying the first one, turned around only to see the second cop. “WTF? I swear I buried it?”
Just down the road there was a police post near the cemetery. The cop noticed that the same car had traveled back and forth to the cemetery and decided to check what was happening. He drove to the cemetery where the watchman just buried the second cop.
The officer asked him, “What’s going on here?” Only for the watchman hit him on the head with a shovel, “Will you just f*cking stay buried?!”
Which street has the most Italian graveyards?
Pasta Way.
An old man living in front of the cemetery had a heart attack and died.
Now he lives in front of his house.
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, “Is Fred home?” “Sorry, Fred’s gone for cotton.”
The next day the bill collector tried again. “Is Fred here today?” “No, sir. I’m afraid he has gone for cotton.”
When he returned the third day he humphed, “I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?” “No, Fred died yesterday.” Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself.
But sure enough, there was poor Fred’s tombstone, with the inscription, “Gone, But Not for Cotton.”
Why was the ghost so tired?
He worked the graveyard shift.
Why did the necromancer move to the middle of the graveyard at the end of town?
So he could raise his family in peace.
A girl is walking through a cemetery at night.
She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.
Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again – tap, tap, tap.
She screams and starts running down the path. After a while, she stops to catch her breath. “This is silly,” she thinks to herself. “There must be a rational explanation.”
She slowly retraces her steps and walks towards the direction of the sound – tap, tap, tap.
There, sitting on a grave is a gentle old man with a small hammer and chisel. He is tapping out an inscription on the tombstone.
“Phew! You scared me” the girl says, relieved upon seeing him. “What are you carving there?”
The old man turns to her and smiles, “I’m just correcting the spelling of my name!”
How much does a graveyard weigh?
A skele-ton!
A man comes to work at a cemetery. Two weeks pass, and he comes to the boss and hands in his resignation.
“What’s the problem, Pete?” asks the boss. “Are the benefits bad, the salary? Are you afraid, maybe?”
“No, it’s not that, Chief,” the man explains. “It’s just… I can’t take it anymore. I’m walking around the cemetery, and I see a writing on a tombstone: Here sleeps. Then, a few steps further, Here rests. Then, a few more steps and I see, Here Such-and-Such found his peace… And I’ve got to work!”
Did you hear about the graveyard for alcoholics?
It’s haunted by spirits.
A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery.
And come across a gravestone that reads, “Here lies a lawyer and a good man!”
The boy asks his father, “Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?”
An optimist was walking around a graveyard.
He said, “I’m seeing a lot of plus signs here.”
Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.
The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn’t have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.
The second girl squats down near a grave Stone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her panties but she thought to herself, “I’m not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria’s Secret is nothing to throw away.” So she grabs a ribbon off the nearby grave and wipes herself.
The next morning the husbands of the girls call each other. The first girl’s husband says, “Man my wife came home with no panties on and can’t remember anything. I’m divorcing her.” The second husband says, “That’s nothing man, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her a** saying [We will never forget you!] signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!”
The inventor of Tetris died recently and the casket was buried vertically,
And then the entire graveyard disappeared.
A young man was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy behind a gravestone.
He said “Morning.”
The guy replied, “No, just taking a shit.”
How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?
Because of everybody pushing up the daisies.
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”
The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers an*l sex.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”
Why did the chicken cross the graveyard?
To get to… the other side!
A policeman interrupts a young couple parked in the cemetery.
He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks “Didn’t you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?”
The young man replies “No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says “Get lots while you’re young.”
Why didn’t the tall guy get into the graveyard?
He wasn’t under six feet.
A teenage couple were heading home past the graveyard, when, overcome with lust, they snuck in and got down to it on a convenient gravestone.
The girl then hurried home, and when she got in, she complained of having a sore back to her mother. Her mum asked to look at her back, and then tutted.
“What is it? ” Asked the girl. “Can you see anything?”
“I can’t see anything wrong with your back”, replied her mother, “but your bum died in 1982”
What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
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Did you hear about the man who took his grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin?
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?
All the damn digging.
What do you call it when an orphan goes to the graveyard?
A family reunion.
Do you have a funny Cemetery joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!
I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person.