You’ve got to counterbalance all those screaming with a little laughter. In between making terrifying Halloween treats, dressing the house with Halloween decorations, and stocking up on all the cheap Halloween candy you can find, it’s crucial to take some time to relax and appreciate the lighter side of this holiday. Aside from the odd weird costume, there are some corny Halloween jokes that will make you laugh. There’s at least one Halloween joke that will make you laugh out loud, whether it’s about mum’s trick-or-treating, a love for all things fall, or making Santa wait his turn.
If you’re a Halloween fanatic, you wait all year for the sight of most decor, costumes, and trick or treat in the month of October. Because not everyone finds headless witches and killer clowns hilarious, it’s wonderful that there are Halloween jokes aimed at making everyone laugh.
Funny Halloween Jokes
Why shouldn’t you wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods?
You’ll get Jurasskicked.
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
What is the periodic table called on Halloween?
The Atoms family!
A boy dressed up as a pirate for Halloween, and a lady at the door he knocked on asked, “Where are your buccaneers?”
He said, “Where do you think? Right under my buccanhat!”
What does a contractor say on Halloween?
“Brick or Treat.”
What do you call a wolf that is lost?
A where-wolf.
What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?
Wrap.
What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on Halloween?
“Happy halloweenie!”
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter), who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down, replied, “I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.”
What do you call a monster who plays tricks on Halloween?
Prankenstein.
What sea won the Halloween competition?
The Dead Sea.
Remember about the one who dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween?
It wasn’t the best costume but still turned a lot of heads.
Dad said to his son, “There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.”
The kid asked, “Which is?”
Dad replied, “Exactly!”
Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
It is because DEC 25 = OCT 31.
Did you hear about the kid dressed up as a UDP packet for Halloween?
But don’t think anyone got it.
Hear about the girl who thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween?
She decided against it as it’s really hard to pull it off.
What do you call someone who will always banish one of 2 spirits, but never both?
An XORcist.
Recommended: Halloween Jokes for Kids
A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer.
“I’m here for the costume party,” he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. “What are you supposed to be?” the bartender asks. “I’m a werewolf,” the guy replies.
“How’s that? You’re not dressed up at all,” the bartender says.
“Well, it’s not a full moon tonight, now is it, Mr. Smart Guy?” the guy replies.
Why shouldn’t you dress up like a purse for a Halloween heist?
You don’t want to be an accessory to the crime.
What would wolverine dress up as for Halloween?
A huge axe man.
What does Beyoncé do on Halloween?
A Séayoncé.
Heard about the kid who ways wanted to be a ghost for Halloween?
His mom thought it was a good idea because when he was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said he was too dense.
Son: “What are you going to be for Halloween dad?”
Dad: “Drunk.”
Son: “What’s mom gonna be?”
Dad: “Mad.”
Heard about the man who got a job making plastic Dracula before Halloween?
He says, “There’s only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.”
Why do some always get Halloween and Valentine’s Day confused?
They’re both about candy and being something you’re not.
Why did the ghost enter the bar?
For the BOOOOS!
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
Recommended: Funny Halloween Memes
Did you hear about the guy who went on a congressional bill for Halloween?
He stayed in the House and didn’t do anything.
What happened to the employee who told his boss that he was coming into work dressed as his dad for Halloween?
He didn’t show up.
A conversation between girls at a Halloween party.
Girl 1: “What are you dressed as?”
Girl 2: “I’m a harp.”
Girl 1: “Your costume’s too small to be a harp.”
Girl 2: “Are you calling me a lyre?”
Did you hear about the guy who dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween?
When his neighbors asked what he was supposed to be, he sadly replied, “I was supposed to be a lot of things…”
Yo mama so ugly, monsters dress as her for Halloween, not vice versa.
How did the mummy pay for stuff?
Crypt-o-currency.
What room does a ghost not have in their house?
A living room.
What is the most famous Halloween building?
The Vampire State Building.
Why did the cyclops give up teaching?
They only had one pupil.
Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he’ll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he’ll go as Van Gogh, so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he’ll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says, “I’ll be Bach.”
A kid asked his friend what he was being for Halloween, and he said “Nothing.”
The kid said, “No, that’s what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume.”
Did you hear about the man going to dress up as a Subaru head gasket for Halloween?
There’s a really good chance he’ll get blown.
What are you going to be for Halloween if you have no money?
You are going to be evicted.
What did the spoon dress up as for the Halloween party?
A cereal killer.
What do skeletons order at a restraunt?
Spare ribs.
Recommended: Jack-O-Lantern Jokes
Three guys flee into a museum to avoid the oncoming horde of zombies. While seeking food and water, one of the survivors discovers a golden lamp, from which a genie roars.
“You are allowed three wishes. So, what’s your first wish?” declares the genie. “I want to go back to my family before the zombie apocalypse and never have it happen,” the first man asks. “It sounds amazing, I want that as well,” adds the second man. And then the two men vanished.
The weight of all the zombies pushing on the museum’s front door has just broken it in. The museum is quickly filling up with zombies. The genie requests a wish from the last man. “I wish my two pals were back here to help fend off all these zombies,” he thinks hastily.
What three certainties in life?
Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.
What do you call Halloween for feminists?
Triggertreat.
What’s better than getting dumped on Halloween?
Well, at least she didn’t ghost you.
What happens when one door closes?
A Spirit Halloween store opens.
Why do some kids miss Halloween all year?
They can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.
It’s so hot this summer, the Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.
What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
There once was a man who loved tractors; he absolutely adored them.
He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, and even some tractor anime (which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors was the love he felt for his wife. His lifelong soulmate, who didn’t mind his obsession with tractors at all. She didn’t even mind the Cosplay at Halloween, where they would both dress as tractors and spend the night driving along the pavement.
Sadly, his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn’t die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words were, “Don’t blame the tractor, honey,” and with that, she headed to the big tractor scrapyard in the sky.
Unfortunately, he did blame the tractor; he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor-related items, the toys, his wife’s tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor anime. He put it all in a pile and drove over it in his own miniature tractor. Whatever didn’t burn, including the miniature tractor, was thrown into a wood chipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 10 years. Finally, on the 10th anniversary of his wife’s death, he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, so he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he chose ended up being quite nice, with good food, good service, and great decor. But there was one problem: it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs.
When the room was void of smoke, he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date, she asked, “How on earth did you do that?”
To which he replied, “I’m an extractor fan.”
A man attends a Halloween party while carrying a girl on his back.
“And what are you?” the host inquires. “I’m a snail,” the person says. “And who’s that on your back?” the host asks. “This is Michelle!”
What do you call a DJ on Halloween?
The boogie-man.
Why are cornfield mazes part of our Halloween tradition?
They are exceptionally ear-ie.
A five-year-old and his father were discussing Halloween candy. The father told him that he liked Kit-Kats.
The kid picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said, “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
Recommended: Halloween Knock Knock Jokes
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Yo mama so ugly, she doesn’t need to dress up for Halloween.
How do Halloween characters listen to their music?
Scare pods.
Did you hear about the kid who farts a lot whenever it’s Halloween?
That’s why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.
What did one pumpkin say to the other after the Halloween party?
“Damn! We got lit last night!”
Superman went to a Halloween party
Someone was dressed as a Bitcoin. Someone dressed as a Dogecoin. Someone else dressed as Ethereum. Superman was pi$$ed.
He didn’t realize it was gonna be a Crypto night.
The father saw his son eating chocolate even after he confiscated all his Halloween candy. He asked the kid where he got that from.
The son replied, “I always have a few twix up my sleeve.”
Why did Casper oversleep on Halloween?
He had too much boos!
What do you call a Karen on Halloween?
A trigger treater.
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNSSSSSS.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
How do you dress up as a match on Halloween?
Just take all the clothes off and the face turns red instantly.
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What did the ghost, the crow, and the door lock say on Halloween?
“Boo! Caw! Key!”
On a foggy Halloween night, a man is coming home alone when he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
Walking faster, he glances back and sees an upright casket smashing its way down the middle of the street toward him through the fog.
BUMP, BUMP, BUMP… Terrified, the man starts running toward his house, the casket trailing behind him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…. He hurries up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens it, rushes in, slams it shut, and locks it behind him. However, the casket bursts through his door, the casket’s lid clapping. The terrified man rushes with noise behind him clappity-BUMP…clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP.
He rushes upstairs to the restroom and locks himself in. His pulse is thumping, his mind is racing, and his breath is spilling out in sobs.
The casket shatters the door with a thunderous CRASH. Bumping and clapping in his direction. The man yells and clutches for… anything.
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin….and…of…course, …the coffin stops!
Why do vampires prefer Election Day over Halloween?
Because people are more afraid of The Count on Election Day than Halloween.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was out standing in his field.
Did you hear about the man who told everyone that he is going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes him?
He is dead Sirius.
What does Olive Garden serve on Halloween?
Fettuccini Afraid-O.
Did you hear about the neighborhood girl’s Halloween costume which is spooky but so freakin’ hot?
She’s a ghost pepper.
Why do many hope it doesn’t rain on Halloween night?
That would dampen spirits.
What did the horse go as on Halloween?
A night mare.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Boy, the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs,” he tells the bartender. “They really pulled out all the stops.”
Did you hear about the guy who came second at a Halloween party, dressed as a Giraffe?
He didn’t win but at least he could hold his head high.
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly, one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
Recommended: Monster Jokes
A math teacher says that for Halloween he is dressing up as a tree.
When his students ask him what he is, he said, “Gee, I’m a tree.” (Geometry)
What do you call a father wearing a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it?
A sugar daddy.
Why couldn’t the witch get into her house?
Because she lost her spo-keys.
Yo mama so ugly, they rent her out on Halloween.
Why was Freud pretty weird about the whole Halloween experience?
Attribute that to his mummy issues.
What did aunt say when she showed up an hour late to the Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume?
“Sorry, I was getting dressed.”
Did you hear about the guy who went to church on Halloween?
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
What kind of plant likes Halloween?
Bam-Boo.
A Martial Artist is outside on Halloween.
Kid: “That’s a big bowl of candy mister!”
MA: “Yeah, but you can only taekwondo.”
Why wouldn’t the crab share his Halloween candy?
He’s shellfish.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the Halloween party?
He didn’t have the guts to go.
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What do you say to your friend who is dressing up as the Archipelago off the southwest coast of Britain for Halloween?
“Don’t be so scilly.”
What is Charles Darwin’s go-to Halloween costume?
A galapaghost.
Heard about the wizard who asked a guy to proofread one of his books in preparation for Halloween?
It was more of a Spell Checker.
Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with!
What did the wife say when the husband told her that he was thinking of going as a pair of eyeglasses this Halloween?
“Please don’t. You’ll make a spectacle of yourself.”
What should you do If you want to dress as a Cyclops for Halloween?
Start keeping an eye out for an authentic costume design.
Why are some thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year?
They think it will gain a lot of interest.
What do you call a zombie garage sale?
A dead giveaway.
What happened to the kid who wanted to dress as a condiment for Halloween?
He couldn’t mustard up the courage.
Did you hear about the disabled guy who wants to be a Band-Aid for Halloween but he’s got no arms?
Don’t know how he expects to pull it off.
Recommended: Adult Halloween Jokes
Wanna know what emo is for Halloween?
Alone.
Heard about the company that decided to produce those Halloween-themed mints?
They said it’s a scare tictac.
Did you hear about the girl who thought about dressing up as a plank of wood for Halloween?
She changed her mind because she would get board quickly.
What do Catholics get during mass on Halloween?
Christ Krispie Treats.
What do you call when a girl dressed as the grim reaper on Halloween came to your door with messy hair and asked you politely to fix it?
That night, you had a brush with death.
What did Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Heard about the boss who told the employee to dress up for Halloween when coming in for his shift?
He dressed up as the invisible man.
Why couldn’t the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?
Because most people are offended at seeing Boo Bees.
What kind of floors do Ghosts prefer in their homes?
Bam-Boo floors.
Why do bottomless shoes count as Halloween decorations?
Because they have no soles.
Recommended: Trick or Treat Jokes
How do you celebrate both Halloween and Reformation Day?
By nailing 95 Reese’s to the church door.
A friend of mine dressed as Bill Gates one Halloween and he looked nothing like him but the next year he dressed as Jim Morrison and the costume was perfect.
I told him he makes a much better door than a window.
Hear about the priest who taped Cd’s to his glasses for Halloween?
It was a blessing in disk eyes.
Are any of the Halloween monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What happened to the guy who wanted to be Tarzan for Halloween?
He didn’t want to go out on a limb.
What is the dung beetle’s favorite Halloween treat?
Feces pieces.
What are two ghosts up to when they play together?
Pair of normal activity.
Why did India cancel Halloween?
They ran out of Gandhi.
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How can you tell Halloween is just around the corner?
Stores start putting out their Christmas decorations.
What did the cranberry dress up as for Halloween?
A zombay-ay-ay.
What do you call a family that lifts weights on Halloween?
The pump kin.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What did the ghost boy want for Halloween?
A ghoulfriend.
Yo mama so ugly, the government is thinking about moving Halloween to her birthday.
What do pandas say on Halloween?
“Bam-BOO!”
How do vampires get around on Halloween?
On blood vessels.
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You know what Italians traditionally eat every Halloween?
Why, a nice big bowl of fettuccine afraid-o of course.
Spice Girls’ music is excellent at Halloween…
The vocals can be Scary!
What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
“Trick or trout!”
Why did a family ignore the kids knocking on their door on Halloween asking for sweets?
They were ghosting them.
If you consider yourself a true fanatic, you should enjoy and share the above exclusive collection of Halloween jokes with your friends and family.
I’m celebrating Halloween with the kids from my philosophy class…
We’re going to a Kanted house and later we might play Heidegger seek.
Went as a zombie covered in blood for halloween,
I really poured my heart into that costume