Halloween is arguably the sexiest holiday of the year, whether you’re all boo-ed up or still seeking your other half. And with the celebratory fall drinks, slinky costumes, and charming autumn activities, it’s no surprise that Halloween jokes become popular when the winds cool down. Some are cheesy, some are playful, and others are one-liners so they work better than traditional puns. What else can I say? We enjoy a fantastic theme!
Look at all of those costumes! Everything seems hot. Plus, the cooler weather makes you want to burrow under the blankets and cuddle up with your lover, and we all know what happens next: Knock! Knock! Tricks and treats, baby! So, if you’re getting those sexual Christmas vibes, I say don’t be shy. Instead, use one of these adult jokes to send on Halloween to that special someone to bring a wicked smile to their face.
Adult Halloween Jokes
Does anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything.
Did you hear about the guy going as Cocaine for Halloween?
That way someone will do him in the bathroom.
What does a group of witches who are into BDSM say on Halloween night?
Choke us, Poke us.
Did you hear about the man who was out driving on Halloween and hit something dressed as a cat?
It could have been a piñata for all he knew because there was candy everywhere.
What is a pedophile’s favorite part about Halloween?
Why do rednecks love Halloween?
Because they love to pump kin.
Butter open quick, I have a dirty Halloween joke to tell you!
Why did the guy need a woman’s help on Halloween?
He wanted to be a zombie and she had to lay there and get eaten.
What’s the main reason for a lady to date a vampire during Halloween?
So she knows she can get head on her period.
Why did the witch divorce the warlock?
Because he had a hollow weenie.
The day after Halloween, a trick-or-treater knocked on the door.
He was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat. The door opened and came a woman who said to him, “Sorry little buddy, Halloween is over, I don’t have anything for you today…what are you supposed to be anyway?”
The kid said, “I’m a period, sorry I’m late..scared ya didn’t I?”
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Did you hear about a maniac living in our neighborhood?
He goes from house to house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies.
What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?
What do you call a ghost’s erection?
Did you about the girlfriend who dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween?
She told her boyfriend that he was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Why couldn’t the witch get pregnant?
Because her partner had a Halloweener.
A man went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.
He met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered – the chicken.
What do you call a Japanese Halloween Cake?
What happened to the wife who said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as her sex life?
She didn’t come.
Why was the playboy dressing up as a plate?
Girls love to do dishes.
A lady bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for her Halloween decoration.
The store assistant asked her, “Are you going to put it up yourself?”
“No, you sick fuck, it’s going in my living room,” the lady replied.
Did you know that Halloween is for dressing up as something you’re not?
That’s why most girls go as something sexy.
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How often do lesbian vampires get together?
Periodically. Like, once a month.
Doughnut worry it is just an adult Halloween joke!
As soon as a nun enters the cab, she senses that the driver is transfixed on her.
So she asks him why he’s gazing, and he says, “I have a question for you, but I don’t want to insult you.”
The nun responds, “You cannot offend me, my beloved son. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun for as long as I have, you’ve seen and heard almost everything. I’m confident there’s nothing you could say or do that would offend me.”
“Well, it’s like this; I’ve always had a fantasy of having a nun perform oral sex on me,” the cab driver replies after a brief pause.
The nun replies, “Let’s see what we can do about it, shall we? However, there are two prerequisites: one, you must be single, and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is overjoyed and exclaims, “Yes, yes, yes! I’m unmarried and a practicing Catholic!”
“OK then, pull into the next alley,” the nun adds.
The cab driver agrees, and the nun proceeds to fulfill his desire. They get back on the road and continue driving, but the cab driver soon begins to cry.
When the nun notices this, she asks, “My lovely child, pray tell, why are you crying?”
The cab driver adds, “You must forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you; I must admit that I am married and Jewish.”
“That’s okay,” the nun laughs, “my name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
Why did the ghost dad wear a dress on Halloween?
He was a trans-parent.
What has 182 teeth and holds back a monster?
Why are Skeletons the best strippers?
Xrays? More like triple-xrays.
Dishes a very dirty Halloween joke!
Are skeletons brave?
Can’t say. They have a spine but no guts or balls.
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival, she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis. Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he’s dressed as.
“A fireman,” he replies.
“Fireman? How so? You’re only wearing a glass jar,” she says.
“Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I’ll come as fast as I can.”
What kind of bees like Halloween?
What do you call a skeleton erection?
Heard about the man who was going to be a politician for Halloween?
He realized he couldn’t fit his head up his ass.
Why did the husband buy the ex-wife some crotchless panties for Halloween?
Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other after sex?
See you next month.
Can you see that girl I had sex with on Halloween?
Can’t say why she was still dressed up as a guy though.
Will you stop crying if I give you a kiss?
Bob intends to organize a Halloween costume party. He has a great turnout, and the celebration is packed to the full. Everyone, or nearly everyone, is dressed up. Bob notices his coworker George across the party wearing only a pair of jeans, no shirt, shoes, or socks. So Bob confronts him about his lack of a costume.
“George!” Bob gasps. “I’m delighted you came to my party, but it’s a costume party. I’ll have to ask if you’d like to dress up or leave.”
“What do you mean?” Asks George. “I am in a costume”
Confused Bob asks, “Well what are you supposed to be then?”
“A premature ejaculation!” replies George.
“I don’t get it how are you a premature ejaculation?” asks Bob.
“Well, I just came in my pants!”
Why does Barbie like Halloween?
It’s pump-ken time.
Why can’t a vampire ‘accidentally’ knock you up on Halloween?
They can’t come in without permission.
Amanda lay you, and then your lonely Halloween nights are over!
What do you call a witch’s libido?
Her hex drive.
A young couple was invited to a posh Halloween masquerade party. The wife got a horrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and enjoy himself. He resisted because he was a dedicated spouse, but she fought and claimed she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him he didn’t have to miss out on the fun. So he put on his costume and left. After an hour of sound sleep, the wife awoke pain-free, and although it was still early, she decided to attend the party.
She felt she’d get a thrill out of watching her husband act while she wasn’t there because he didn’t know what her costume was. She arrived at the party and quickly found her husband frolicking on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice girl he could, copping a feel here and a kiss there. His wife approached him, and being a fairly seductive babe himself, he abandoned his partner and spent his attention on this new “action.” She let him go as far as he wanted because he was her spouse. Finally, he muttered something in her ear, and she consented, so they walked to one of the cars and had a little bang. She snuck out just before midnight, went home, put the costume away, and went to bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his renowned behavior. When he walked in, she was sitting up reading and asked him what he had done.
He stated, “Oh, it’s the same old story. You know I never have a nice time without you.”
“Did you dance a lot?” she inquired. He answered, “I’ll tell you, I’ve never had a single dance. When I arrived at the party, I ran into Pete, Bill, and a few other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all night. But I’ll tell you what… the person I lent my outfit to had a fun night!”
What is a Halloween-themed Fleshlight called?
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What’s the difference between pumpkin pie and pussy?
You can eat the crust from pumpkin pie.
(When where who?)
Halloween night, my place, you and me.
A couple is getting ready for a Halloween party.
The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and returns with a potato on his dong. The wife says, “What the hell?”
The husband replies, “Well shit if you’re going as a sour puss then I’m going as a dictator.”
What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?
A self-cleaning coven.
Mah monster coming to get you.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
A man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.
His friend sees him and says, “Hey, what are you meant to be?”
“Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle” he replies.
His friend replies, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh, that’s just Michelle.”
Ben waiting to kiss a witch all year!
How does Dracula know when his girlfriend is pregnant?
When he starves to death due to not drinking her blood around the same time every month.
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What do you call a cum-craving vampire?
Three naked men are standing outside a Halloween party.
The only requirement for entry into the party was that the person wanting to attend wear a costume. There was a trash can near the Halloween party. Because none of the men had costumes, they agreed to hunt through the garbage can for anything that may be used as a costume.
The first man came across a bucket of red paint. He chose to paint his entire body red. He approached the party’s bouncer. “What is your costume?” inquired the bouncer. “I’m anger,” said the first man. He was allowed.
The second man came across a bucket of blue paint. He marched up to the bouncer, his entire body covered in blue paint. “What’s your costume?” inquired the bouncer. “I’m sadness,” said the second man. He was also allowed.
In the garbage bin, the third man discovered an old, rotten pear. He couldn’t think of anything else to put on his body, so he jammed his dick into a pear. He confronted the bouncer with confidence.
The bouncer was disgusted. “What the hell are you supposed to be wearing?!?” He shouted.
The third man replied, “Don’t you see? I’m fucking despair.”
Ivana suck your teat!
What do you call it when a vampire cums?
Three vampires walked into a bar.
The first one orders blood on the rocks.
The second one orders double blood.
The third one orders a mug of hot water.
The bartender asks, “Why do you want hot water?”
The third vampire holds up a tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
Wanda go trick or treating tonight?
What was the emo kid for Halloween?
What did one skeleton say to another on Allhalloween?
“I know it’s Halloween, but I’d rattle your bone any day of the year.”
What is the best pickup line for Halloween?
“According to myths, humans can turn into many different creatures at Halloween. But all you do is turn me on.”
What did the graveyard digger say to the girl tomb?
“I dig you.”
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Why are some going as Anne Frank for Halloween?
They say, “It’s my Holocostume.”
Why is it Halloween every day in Israel?
Since they’ve been pretending to be a country for 73 years
What’s so good about being Michael Jackson for Halloween?
Both black and white people can dress as him.
Why don’t monsters like to eat ghosts?
Because they taste like sheet.
Why the Catholic church doesn’t like Halloween?
Because if the kids get enough sweets going door to door, it’s much harder to lure them into the parish with a chocolate bar.
Why do some hate it when kids knock on their door during Halloween?
When are they going to understand that they are not getting out of the basement?!
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves.
While the spookiest time of year might be uncomfortable, you can use Halloween memes to lighten the mood in your group chat. Have more dirty jokes about Halloween? Post your own All Hallows’ Eve one-liners in the comment section below!