Hanukkah, also known as the Festival of Lights, is a significant Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. This eight-day celebration is marked by the lighting of the menorah, a candelabrum with nine branches, one for each night of the festival plus a helper candle. Hanukkah is a time of joy and reflection, filled with traditions such as playing the dreidel game, eating foods fried in oil like latkes and sufganiyot (jelly-filled donuts), and spending time with family. It’s a festival that not only celebrates a historic miracle but also emphasizes the values of resilience, faith, and the triumph of light over darkness.
Hanukkah jokes add a spark of humor to this luminous celebration, illuminating the festivities with laughter. These jokes often play on the unique aspects of the holiday, like the challenge of finding eight presents or the perils of cooking enough latkes to feed the whole family. They’re shared around the flickering candles, bringing a light-hearted and jovial atmosphere to the gatherings. Hanukkah jokes, much like the holiday itself, are about spreading joy and making memories, reminding everyone that amidst the solemnity of tradition, there’s always room for a bit of fun and laughter.
Best Hanukkah Jokes
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
How can you explain Hanukkah to a non-Jew?
Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days.
‘Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen, my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
While dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.
The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin’,
And Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubbe was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.
To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
“Yiddishe kinder,” he said, “Keneinahora.
I thought I was in a goyisha house,
But as long as I am here, I’ll leave a few toys.”
With much geshray, I asked, “Du bist a yid?”
“Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid.”
“Come into the kitchen, I’ll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish.”
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops!
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled, “Oy gevalt!”
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
And said, “Your kosher essen is simply delish.”
As he went to the door, he said “See you later.
I’ll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder.”
More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny.”
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
“A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night!”
Did you hear about the man who wrote a comedy routine about menorahs?
It was just a bunch of candle shtick.
A survey was carried out to find what percentage of people celebrate Channukah!
It turns out its a small Menorah-ty.
What kind of Marshall Arts does Challah Bread do?
Jew Dough!
A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.
The Jew says, “My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don’t celebrate Christmas. I’ll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah” and he agrees to help.
The Muslim says, “My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don’t celebrate Christmas. I’ll point ornaments to the east, I can use it to tell me which direction to pray in” and he agrees to help
The Hindu says, “Christ is basically an incarnation of Krishna and we are always happy to have a religious festival as long as there are food and sweets”, and he agrees to help.
The Atheist says, “I don’t believe in your Christ or your god and I think you guys are all a bunch of idiots for believing in some random magic man in the sky created the world, but I’ll help because otherwise Santa’s going to leave me shitty presents again.”
“Happy Hanukkah” sounds nice because of the alliteration. We should do that for Christmas too.
Chrappy Christmas, everyone.
How do you know that Hanukkah is a truly Jewish holiday?
What other group of people would celebrate saving on oil?!
What Jewish light phenomenon occurs in the northern sky?
Menorah borealis.
What do Hispanic Jews celebrate?
Juanukkah.
What’s the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Honey!
(Honey who?)
Honey-kah is my favorite holiday!
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a Hanukkah?
Menorah-sauras.
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Filet minyan.
With Hanukkah upon us, how does a Jewish man prepare his tea?
Hebrews it.
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were chatting.
The Jewish man commented on what a wise people the Chinese are. “Yes, our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too.” The Jewish man replied, “Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.” The Chinese man couldn’t believe it. “That’s impossible,” he replied. “Where did your people eat for a thousand years?”
What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes?
Jew-ish.
Recommended: Funny Jewish Jokes
What do cows and horses light when celebrating Hanukkah?
A ‘manure’-ah.
Who do penguins celebrate Hanukkah with?
The Icebergs.
For Hanukkah, a man purchased his wife a stunning diamond ring.
“I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive cars,” a friend of his remarks after hearing about this costly gift.
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
If the majority of people in the US celebrate Christmas
Then the number of people that celebrate Hanukkah are in the menorahty.
Why do you always leave a Hanukkah party feeling full?
Because you eat a latka.
Knock, Knock.
(Who’s there?)
Wick.
(Wick who?)
Wick way to the synagogue?
Did you hear about the wife who already ate all of the chocolate in the house on the second day of Hanukkah?
Now, she feels gelty.
What is the Jewish problem-free philosophy?
Hanukkah Matata.
What do you call it when Santa doesn’t bring you any gifts?
Hanukkah.
Recommended: Santa Jokes
Like most, a kid learned about Hanukkah in school. His teacher told him, “Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah.”
That night he was waiting in line at the hometown buffet with his family and asked mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
“It’s so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families,” she said.
He piped up in a loud, excited voice, “But couldn’t they get some Jews to work here?”
They never went back.
What do you call a menorah in armor?
A knight-light.
What’s the worst thing you can say to a Jewish bread delivery man?
“What’s the challah cost?”
With which hand is it better to light the menorah?
Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Delight!
(Delight who?)
Delight de menorah already!
What did the waiter say when the customer used if his latkes would be long?
“No sir, they’ll be round.”
What’s colorful, spins around, and has wheels?
A dreidel, I lied about the wheels.
What’s the best Hanukkah gift for someone who has everything?
A burglar alarm.
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and says, “Papa, I need fifty dollars.”
The father asks, “Forty dollars?! I do not have thirty dollars! What do you need twenty dollars for? Here are ten dollars.”
He hands the boy a five and says, “Split it with your brothers…and bring back the change.”
What did the menorah say when it went on stage?
“This is my time to shine.”
Two menorahs are sitting in the window. One turns to the other and says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.”
The other looks back and says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”
Which hand is it best to light the menorah with?
Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Candelabra.
(Candelabra who?)
Can Delabra come out and play?
What did the elder Hanukkah candle have to say to the younger?
“You’re too young to smoke.”
What’s the best thing to put into the sufganiyot?
Your teeth.
Harry and Sadie, an elderly Jewish couple, had been married for 35 years but had never gotten along.
He tells her one day around this time of year, “So? I’m guessing you’ll want a Hanukkah present?”
“Harry, I want a divorce,” she tells him.
Harry says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How much Hanukkah gelt did the skunk get?
One cent.
How can you recognize a Hanukkah hippie?
He’s the one with his hair in dreidel-locks.
What did the little girl call her dreidel?
Clay.
Teacher, after Hanukkah vacation: You missed school last week, didn’t you?
Student: Not really!
Who is a dreidel’s favorite musician?
Dr. Dreidel.
What’s a dreidel’s favorite song?
“You Spin Me Right Round.”
A Jewish mother gives his son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.
As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, “What — you didn’t like the other one?”
Nathan begs his father, “Daddy, can we get a Hanukkah bush?” after admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbors’ windows.
“What? Of course not,” his father responds.
“Why not?” Nathan asks again.
A little agitated, his father replies, “Well, Nathan, the last time we had dealings with a bush that was lit up, we spent 40 years in the wilderness.”
What did the stamp say on the Hanukkah card?
“Stick me and you’ll go places.”
What makes Hanukkah a superior holiday to Christmas?
No roof damage from the reindeer.
What did the loaf of bread say to the other loaf of bread on Hanukkah?
“Happy challah days!”
Benjamin was buying stamps to send out all his Hanukkah cards.
“Do I have to stick them on myself?” he asked the clerk.
“I suggest you stick them on the envelopes,” the clerk replied.
Why are there only 8 days of Hanukkah?
Because 7 ate 9.
Who do penguins celebrate Hanukkah with?
The Icebergs.
What do vegetables say to each other on Hanukkah?
“Happea Hanukkah!”
It was Hanukkah, and the small community outside Budapest, Hungary, was worried that they wouldn’t be able to make any latkes since they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, ‘Don’t worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious.’
Sarah looks to her husband and says, ‘Samuel, you think it’ll work?’
‘Of course,’ Samuel replies, ‘Everybody knows Rudolph the Rabbi knows grain, dear.’
What’s the difference between the Grinch and Hitler?
One stole Hanukkah the other stole Christmas.
Recommended: Grinch Jokes
Why is Hanukkah the most fun holiday for potatoes?
Because they find it so a-peel-ing.
How do you drive a Chanu-car?
Easy, just start out with the lat-keys.
How come dreidels never sleep in bunk beds?
They all want to be on TOP.
Father: How were the questions on your Hanukkah quiz?
Son: Easy!
Father: So why do you look so glum?
Son: The questions were easy; the ANSWERS were hard!
Why don’t we eat clowns on Hanukkah?
Because they taste funny.
Recommended: Rosh Hashanah Jokes
Does anyone want to hear jokes about Hanukkah food?
“I have a Latke those.”
What did the car say to the dreidel?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call an 8-day long blowjob?
Hanukkah Lewinski.
Have a better Hanukkah joke? Post your festive one-liners and puns in the comment section below!
I could not resist commenting. Well written and funny!
I woke up in the dead of night and it was dead quiet, I couldn’t hear my cats, any cars, any pipes shaking and thought to myself.. It’s as quiet as a synagogue mouse.
…because it’s Hanukkah… not yet Christmas…