In the world of humor, one topic that often takes center stage is the life and times of a prostitute. These ladies and gentlemen of the night lead lives filled with colorful stories, often making them the subject of many jokes. But it’s not just about dirty humor; it’s about the quirks and peculiarities of a profession that operates under the moonlit sky. The jokes revolve around their wit, their unique work scenarios, and the often humorous misunderstandings that can arise in their line of work. It’s a blend of street smarts and humor, as these professionals navigate through some of the most bizarre and chuckle-worthy situations. So, when we talk about prostitute jokes, we’re not just laughing at their expense but rather enjoying the lighter side of a world that’s usually kept in the shadows.
Continuing from where we left off, prostitute jokes are a unique genre in the comedy world. They’re like a walk on the wild side, but with a punchline. These jokes often highlight the cleverness and quick thinking of prostitutes, turning potentially awkward situations into moments of hilarity. Imagine a world where the quick comeback is king, and you’ve got the essence of these jokes. They’re not about being derogatory, but about finding humor in the unexpected twists and turns of their profession. Just like a magician with a trick up their sleeve, these jokes reveal the unexpected with a flourish of humor. It’s all about looking at a familiar situation through a lens of playful mischief and lightheartedness, making everyone chuckle along the way.
Funny Prostitute Jokes
Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn’t want anyone outperforming them.
What did the prostitute say when she walked off the job?
“I just don’t have it in me anymore.”
What’s the difference between prostitution and the constitution?
Well, one has its pros and the other has its cons.
What do pirates call prostitutes?
Land-Hoe!
What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?
Jack off all trades.
What’s the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an oyster with epilepsy?
Well, one you have to shuck between fits…
Man: How much for a bl*wjob?
Prostitute: Ummm $20
Man: Oh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess I am your favorite.
Prostitute: Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.
What do you call a philosopher who’s banging a prostitute?
Someone who’s deep in thot.
Who was the greatest prostitute of all time?
Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.
Two potatoes on the street, which one is the prostitute?
The one that says, “Idaho”!
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Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad... I became a prostitute.”
”Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
”OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
”What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”
”Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?
“Give me oral, B!”
What do you call a bisexual prostitute?
An omniwhore.
What do you call a prostitute who is bad at sex?
Wh*re-ible.
Two prostitutes standing on the corner.
One of them says, “We’re gonna make a lot of money tonight, I can smell the dick in the air.”
And the second one replies, “Sorry I burped!”
What do you call a very famous prostitute?
Widespread.
What’s it called when a girl thinks about becoming a prostitute?
Whoracle.
What do tired prostitutes drink?
Espress-HOE.
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She says, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the t*ts a couple times.”
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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
What is it called when you buy prostitutes in bulk?
Holesale.
What do you call a caring prostitute?
Someone who gives a f*ck.
What do you call the offspring of the Jolly Green Giant and a prostitute?
A brothel sprout.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip and runs into the most beautiful woman he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck, he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
“How much for a hand job?”
“5,000$” she replies.
“5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way.”
“Walk with me.” She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. “You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs.”
He ponders for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.” He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. “Okay, that was awesome. How much for a bl*wjob?”
“15,000$” she replies.
“15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!” He shouts
“Come to the window.” They walk to the window and she begins to point. “You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for bl*wjobs.”
“Fine, how can I say no?”
Once again, it is the best bl*wjob of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?”
“Come to the window.” He follows her to the window, ready for anything. “Do you see all of Las Vegas?” She asks.
“No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!” He exclaims, astounded.
“No..” she looks down. ” But I would if I had a pussy…”
What did the dwarf say to the prostitute?
“Hi ho.”
Wife: Does this dress make me look like a prostitute?
Husband: Is this a ‘trick’ question?
Why did the prostitute become a butcher?
She wanted to make ends meat.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” the wife screamed at her husband. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” the husband answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
What do you call a duck who is a prostitute?
A quackwhore,
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How do you rate prostitutes?
Amount of bang for your buck.
What do pirate prostitutes specialize in?
Hookjobs.
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year-old man walking past.
She hasn’t had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, “Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?”
The old man said, “But I won’t be able to…”
The prostitute interrupted, “C’mon man…. give it a try… “
The old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and f*cks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he’s done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, “But you said you won’t be able to….”
“…pay you.” replied the old man.
How did a prostitute become a nun?
Through her “missionary” work course.
What do you call a prostitute’s footwear?
Horseshoes.
How are good comedians like cheap prostitutes?
They both get clap, but only the prostitutes give it away easily.
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, “Would you enjoy my company for $100?”
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, “Of course, I would be glad!”
Captain replies, “COMPANY! FORWARD!”
What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Kee Ho.
What is an upper-class prostitute?
Sexpensive.
What’s the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
A rooster says, “C*ck-a-doodle-do!”
A prostitute says, “Any c*ck’ll do!”
What do you call a Viking prostitute?
A Leif blower.
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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible.”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What did the prostitute say at the start of her shift?
“Let’s get this hoe on the road!”
What do prostitutes and bungee jumping have in common?
They both cost $100 and if the rubber breaks your screwed!
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,
“I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
What did the Englishman say when he wanted to count prostitutes?
Tally Ho!
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
“Keep the tip!”
What does a chipmunk and a prostitute have in common?
Both fill their cheeks with nuts.
Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room.
They decided to do it separately so the first guy entered the room while the other waited at the lobby.
Then the first guy comes out, and the second guy asks, ”How was she?”
The first guy answers, ”She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.”
Then the second guy goes in the room.
Then he comes out and says, ”You are right, she is nothing compared to your wife.”
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Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?
Because her client came in cider.
What do you call a prostitute who travels to different countries?
Abroad.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and broom closet?
Only 2 guys can fit inside of a broom closet.
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”
What did the prostitute say after finishing her session?
“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”
How do prostitutes stay hydrated?
They drink Hoe’s water.
What phrase is as likely to be used in conversation with a landlord as with a prostitute?
“It’s crazy expensive for a stinky hole like this”
What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?
The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”
The Mistress says, “You’re not done already, are you?”
The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”
What do you get from a lemon prostitute?
Lemon Aids.
Did you hear about the prostitute who had a v*gina surgically implanted on her hip?
She wanted to make a little money on the side.
An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her v*ginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: “I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.”
“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.”
“And what about the third rose?” she asked.
“That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
What is a prostitute’s favorite musical note length?
A crotch.
Where in a park can you find almost a dozen prostitutes?
At the ten escorts.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.” After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
She replies, “Well, most of them become taxi drivers.”
What’s a prostitute’s favorite spice?
Whoregano.
Why wasn’t the midget prostitute making any money?
She was selling herself short.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said, “TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00.”A policeman stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.” One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?” Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.” The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.”
What do you call having a prostitute before dinner?
A hors d’oeuvre.
Did you hear about the really bad golfer who slept with cheap prostitutes?
He always ended up in the rough.
A guy goes to see a prostitute.
“Is it true what they say about you?” “Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?” “That sounds amazing. I’ve got to experience it for myself.”
They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he pays her up front.
Before they start, she insists that they should be in total darkness. “I don’t want to give my technique away, it’s a secret.” He accepts, so she closes the blinds before laying him down on the bed. She takes his pants off and starts blowing him.
And sure enough, a few moments later, he hears her voice singing, quite clearly : “Ooooh saaaay, can… youuuu… seeeee…”
The guy is flabbergasted. The bl*wjob feels amazing and now he really wants to know how she’s doing it. He tries to think of what the trick could be… It can’t be someone else, the sound is clearly coming from her. He tries to look around discreetly by turning his head a bit, as there’s a thin sliver of light coming through the window, but he can’t manage to get an angle where he can see her. All he can see is the bedside table. There’s his wallet, his phone, and… What’s that? … A glass eye?!
What do bee cops use to reign in prostitution in the hive?
Hornets.
What do prostitutes use as a base when making soup?
Brothel.
A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother’s house for a family dinner.
She begins complaining to her family about work. “Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a bl*wjob! It’s hard work! I earn that money!”
Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. “Fifty bucks!? You’re complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!”
Grandma giggles. “You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey, and we were glad to get it!”
They all turn to great grandma, who’s quietly knitting. Great grandma leans back in her rocking chair and says, “Gald-dang whipper-snappers! Back in my day, during the Great Depression, we were just happy to have something warm in our stomachs!”
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a prostitute?
The terrorist blows for free.
What do a prostitute and a bowling ball have in common?
They have 3 holes. You pick them up. Stick your fingers in em. Then bang em down an Alley.
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students.
The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor, they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said, “And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!” At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out.
The professor then said, “Wait! Wait, ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning!”
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
What do you call a prostitute who is also a vegan?
Whoreganic.
The old man goes up to a prostitute.
He says that he’ll give her $100 to let him do weird things to her. She agrees and they go to a nearby motel. Inside the room, she ducks to the bathroom to freshen up and undress, and comes back to find the old guy already in bed. She hops in with him, but to her surprise, he doesn’t touch her, and they just lie there together.
After a while, she gets frustrated and says, “Hey! I thought we were here to do weird things?” The old man replied, “I already have. I’ve shit in your purse.”
What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Why did the prostitute refuse to sleep with OJ Simpson?
No glove, no love.
A man got a call from his health insurance company.
“Sir, I’m calling to tell you that your claim has been rejected.”
“But why?” Asked the man.
“I’ll be blunt. We do not reimburse people for sleeping with prostitutes.”
“But it was ordered by my doctor, I swear!”
“Sir, I have worked here many years and I have never seen a primary care physician prescribe sex with a hooker.”
“But he did. He told me that I needed Wh*re Moan therapy…”
What’s the difference between a gold digger and a prostitute?
A prostitute has the professional courtesy to give you an estimate upfront.
What do you call someone who only has sex with prostitutes?
Buy-Sexual.
Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar and they’re drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.
The first one says: “Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.
The second one laughs and says: “That’s nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!”
The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.
What is a prostitute’s favorite cookie?
Whoreos.
What is sleeping with prostitutes like?
Make your dog dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it too.
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?” Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, “How much do you charge?” “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!” George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat
dinner.” At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25!!”
What do dentists, historians, and prostitutes have in common?
Oral history.
What are you doing if you go to a prostitute and pay her through a cheque?
Cheque and Mate.
A prostitute visits the doctor.
Prostitute: Doc I think that I am pregnant.
Doctor: Do you know who the father is?
Prostitute: Oh! For f*ck’s sake, if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?”
How does a member of the U.S. military show their gratitude to the prostitute they just visited?
“Thank you for your cervix.”
Why do prostitutes make less money in Alabama?
They’re always giving out family discounts.
A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.
He asks her, “How much dae ye charge for an hour?” “€100,” she replies.
So he asks, “Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?” She says, “No!”
He then says, “I’ll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style.” She didn’t even know what ‘Scottish style’ was, but again says, “No.”
He then offers her $300, but she declines his offer, so finally he says, “Last chance. I’ll gie ye €500 to go Scottish style wi’ me!”
Finally, she agrees, thinking, ‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could ‘Scottish style; be?’
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “That was really fantastic. I’ve never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the ‘Scottish style’ come in?”
The Scotsman replies, “I’ll pay ye next week!”
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What do you call prostitutes that only work for spirits?
Ghost busters.
What do you call a prostitute with a lot of stuff?
A whoreder.
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a wh*re.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, and then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a wh*re or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 c*cks last year.”
What do Costco and a prostitute have in common?
They both make money from wholesale.
What do you call a prostitute on a diet?
Lite n easy.
Do you have a funny prostitute joke? Write down your own dirty puns in the comment section below!
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes,
Prostitution is the only job it’s okay to suck at.
Prostitution is the only job it’s okay to suck at.