50 Funny Queen Jokes You Can’t Share With Royal Family

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Jessica Amlee


The Queen of England, a symbol of unwavering grace and a steady hand on the royal scepter, reigns over not just her realm but also the world of unflappable poise. Imagine her as the headmistress of a very posh, very old school where the uniforms are fancy hats and the school motto is ‘Keep Calm and Carry On.’ Her Majesty’s days are filled with royal duties, from sipping tea with perfect posture to waving with that iconic, wrist-rotating finesse. It’s a life of palaces, corgis, and a family tree that’s more like a family forest, complete with a few wild branches. She’s the epitome of tradition in a world that’s constantly changing, steadfast like a rock in a swirling sea, if that rock wore elegant hats and brooches. The Queen’s public persona, so composed and proper, is the perfect setup for some light-hearted humor, giving rise to a treasure trove of Queen jokes.

Queen jokes are like sneaking a whoopee cushion onto the throne – they add a bit of playful mischief to the otherwise solemn regality of the crown. They play on the Queen’s iconic image, from her love for corgis to her seemingly endless collection of hats that could give any fashionista a run for their money. Imagine if the Queen had a secret side gig as a stand-up comedian, cracking jokes about palace life, the royal guards’ stoic faces, and the never-ending quest to find a hat for every occasion. Queen jokes remind us that beneath the crown and the robes, royals are people too, with a sense of humor lurking somewhere behind the regal facade. So, let’s tiptoe through the royal gardens of comedy, where the only ‘crowning’ moment is the punchline of a good joke.

Best Queen Jokes 

Did you hear that Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died?

But Princess Diana made it to 120.

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)


(Queen who?)

Queen as a whistle.

How do you know Liz Truss is a master at political chess?

She opened with a queen sacrifice.

Why did Prince Andrew get the Queen’s corgis?

Because he’s the most experienced groomer in the family.

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

At the royal gathering.

Meghan: What’s your secret to long life?

Queen Elizabeth II: Wear a seatbelt and don’t piss me off.

Why are there forecasts of drought in England?

Because the Queen rain has ended.

How does a queen in a straitjacket flip a light switch?

Off, with her head.

What did President Biden say after he was informed that the Queen has died?

“That’s a shame. I really liked their music.”

Recommended: Joe Biden Jokes

How was Queen Elizabeth II defying the rules of chess?

By outliving the king.

Why is the UK not returning Koh-i-Noor to India now that the Queen is no more?

If they start giving everything they robbed, The British Museum would be empty.

Why do UK people complain about bad weather?

Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

What do the Queen and Elvis have in common?

They both died on the throne.

Did you hear about the Queen’s burial in St. George’s Chapel, on the grounds of Windsor Castle?

People are just dying to get in there.

Why the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened If Queen accidentally farts during dinner?

Noble gases should have no reaction.

How do you know that Queen was a Ronaldo fan?

Queen Elizabeth sat through Hitler, the Cold war, and the threat of Nuclear war but watching Ronaldo play in the Europa League is where she drew the line.

Recommended: Manchester United Jokes

What’s it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line.

What is the difference between turning 16 and turning 100 in the UK?

When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, “Ok, your Majesty, you may go in.”

Dolly is outraged and asked, “What was that all about, I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry Dolly, says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are.”

What is the difference between Queen Elizabeth and Paul Walker?

Paul walker made it to 100 before he died.

What do you call a Russian homo who’s been knighted by the Queen?


Did you hear about the Queen’s death?

All British music is now Royalty-Free.

If there’s a king-sized mattress and a queen-sized mattress, where does the prince sleep?

The heir mattress.

Did you know Queen did Hip Hop too?

They had released a Bohemian Rap CD.

Queen Elizabeth arrives in Heaven. 

St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.

“Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.”

Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.

“What the F***? Diana has a bigger halo than me! I reigned for decades, saw my country through wars and depressions and wars again, and gave freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!”

“Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel…”

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth?

Dead in a tunnel.

Recommended: Royal Family Jokes

Why is Chess banned under Islam?

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Why was the Queen in a hurry to get to the pool at Westminister?

She didn’t want to be late for her chlorination.

Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in “The Crown”?

She probably gets royalties.

Where does the Queen keep her armies?

In her sleevies.

Why did the Queen go to the dentist?

She broke her crown.

The King of France, King of England, and King of Spain are arguing about who has the largest willy.

They eventually decide to let the people decide. They all stand on a stage in front of the audience, one by one, and drop their pants.

The French crowd yells “Viva la France!!” as the King of France drops his pants.

The Spanish crowd yells “Viva la Espaa!!” as the King of Spain drops his pants.

The King of England drops his pants, but the crowd falls silent for a long time before shouting, “God save the Queen!”

How does the Queen of England open her front door?

With a monar-key.

How do French bees depose their queen?


Did you hear that the queen has been on the throne for 70 years?

People had some long trips to the bathroom, but that seems extreme.

How does the Queen of England get around Buckingham Palace?

With a nobility scooter.

What did the Queen say when everyone left the hive?

“I don’t bee leave it.”

Why the Queen must be afraid of Thor?

Because thunder and lightning, very very frightening.

Recommended: King Charles Jokes

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don’t worry about it” the Pope replied “If you hadn’t said anything, I’d have just thought it was one of the horses!”

When the queen has to miss a royal event, what does she say?

“I’m sorry, I’ll have to take a reign check“

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge.

Why is the Queen always right?

Because she’s on the money.

Recommended: Bank Jokes

What do you call gossip about kings and queens?

Royal tea.

Who is the queen of school supplies?

The Ruler.

What do you call a stoner queen?

A hempress.

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

“One has always thought reindeer are majestic.” She said. So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in England’s green and lush fields, the Queen was feeling very regal. But to her annoyance, some kids walked past and didn’t seem to recognize her.

“Look, a deer!” Shouted a kid, pointing. Oh, deers are common creatures, thought the queen. She ignored the kids.

“No, it’s an elk!” Said the next kid. The queen ignored them but was growing more annoyed.

“I know, it’s a moose! Said the third kid. At this point, Queen Victoria lost it, and yelled


What do you call a cow who’s been knighted by the Queen?

He is Sirloin.

What is it like when Queen just phones you to say you have won a knighthood?

“It was a complete Sir prize.”

Why do kings and queens do so well in school?

They know all their subjects.

What do you call a gay milk man?

Dairy Queen.

Why is the queen’s toilet so good at poker?

It always gets royal flushes.

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?
“Could you pass the salt?”

Recommended: Mahatma Gandhi Jokes

Did you know the queen has a vape pen?

She calls it her crown Juul.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Why are queens more powerful in chess than kings?

Cause chess board looks like a kitchen floor.

Have a funny joke on Queen Elizabeth II? Post your Queen puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

4 thoughts on “50 Funny Queen Jokes You Can’t Share With Royal Family”

  1. “God Save the Queen” seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III
    The obvious choice for the replacement is the “Charles in Charge” theme song.


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