50 Funny Manchester United Jokes for New Season

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Jessica Amlee

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Elevating from a third-place pedestal, savoring the Carabao Cup glitter, and then, well, coming second best in the FA Cup finale, it’s quite the rollercoaster. So, what’s next on Erik ten Hag’s bucket list? Maybe conquering Mars? Or maybe he’s just asking the question: “Why on Earth did I sign up for the Manchester United job?”

With Rasmus Højlund donning the red jersey, the striker’s locker is now full. But whispers about the club’s potential sale could make Erik’s managerial seat a bit wobbly. Let’s just hope it’s not a game of musical chairs. The US tour? If we were marking it based on results, let’s just say it was less Hollywood blockbuster, more direct-to-DVD. Three tales of woe against Wrexham (but hey, it was basically a kids’ team out there), Real Madrid, and Borussia Dortmund. The lone beacon? A glorious victory over Arsenal – probably made sweeter because, well, it’s Arsenal.

Ten Hag’s also started the season with a missing piece – the young midfield maestro, Kobbie Mainoo, thanks to injury. And Mason Mount? For a cool £60m, we’d expect him to be the golden goose, but so far, he’s been more like the goose that’s… still figuring out how to lay golden eggs. But patience, dear fans. It’s just the start. After all, Mount and André Onana are still finding their theater seats in the Theatre of Dreams. Until then, fasten your seat belts, Red Devils. It’s going to be one whimsical ride!

Speaking of whimsical rides, every rollercoaster has its highs, lows, and those laugh-out-loud moments when you simply can’t help but chuckle at the sheer absurdity of it all. The same goes for the footballing world, especially at Old Trafford. So, while we brace ourselves for a season of goals, drama, and the occasional VAR controversy, let’s lighten the mood a bit. Ready to share a chuckle (or a groan)? Dive into our compilation of Manchester United jokes – because, sometimes, you’ve just got to find the humor in the beautiful game!

Best Manchester United Jokes

Investing money in Manchester United seems like a good idea.
A bit like people who invested money in the Titanic.

What is the difference between Onana and Santa?
Onana is a gift that keeps on giving.

Mauricio Pochettino and Erik Ten Hag have each been given advent calendars and need to be shown the door.

Why did Onana cross the road?
To get to the other side of the pitch. You see, he is very good with the feet.

Man Utd have banned several news organisations from a press conference today.
“The media needs to stop publishing the things that our players are leaking to them,” said a club spokesperson.

Did you hear the announcement about the non-binary labeling?
Manchester United and Manchester City will now be called Themchester United and Themchester City.

How do you know that Onana hates doing his laundry?
No clean sheets.

Mason Greenwood and Antony walk into a chippy in Manchester.
“What’ll it be boys?” Asked the assistant.
“We don’t give a f*ck, “said Greenwood, “so long as it’s battered.”

What’s the difference between Safestyle UK and Manchester United fans?
Safestyle UK has successfully got rid of the glazers.

First Mason Greenwood, now Antony.
At this rate, they’ll be changing the name to ManHitsHer Utd.

What did Onana say after moving from Inter Milan to Man Utd?
He said, “From blocking goals in Italy to saving face in England.”

Why should Manchester United have signed Mudryk instead of Onana?
Clean sheets would have been guaranteed every game.

Mason Greenwood leaves Manchester United by mutual consent.
He had to ask his lawyer what consent meant!

Referee Mike Dean is to leave Old Trafford after 28 years of loyal service.
It’s unlikely he will be picked up by another club.

Why did Sheikh Jassim Bin Hamad Al Thani want to buy Manchester United?
Because he heard they needed a new sheikh-up!

What do the United fans have in mind?
“How have I managed to go through so many years supporting United without becoming a crackhead or alcoholic?”

A man went to the store to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween.
The shop assistant brought out a Manchester United football shirt.
The man said, “You must have misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count.”

Did you hear breaking deadline day transfer news?
Mason Greenwood signs for Getafme.

What do they call Manchester Derby at the Etihad?
A training session.

What is the doctor’s advice to Alex Ferguson?
To not watch Manchester United’s matches.

What is the retirement home of Real Madrid players?
Man Utd.

Do you know when ladies run their breasts are scattered?
But man chest are(er) united.

How do you know that Queen was a Ronaldo fan?
Queen Elizabeth sat through Hitler, the Cold war, and the threat of Nuclear war but watching Ronaldo play in the Europa League is where she drew the line.

Recommended: Manchester City Jokes

Do you know the reason Arsenal lost to Manchester United?
Because Man Utd no longer has defenders that are Young, Small and Blind.

Why did Marcus Rashford score his first goal as a starter in 476 days against Liverpool?
To help promote his new book.

How does Man U base their signings?
On how they are rated on FIFA.

What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?
It all went to shit when Fergie left.

United has signed a new centre-forward from Kabul United FC.
Apparently, on his first day at training, the dutch coach picked up a ball and said: “Ball.” Then he pointed at the goal and said: “Goal.” Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said: “Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!”
The Afghan striker was a little puzzled by this and summed up the courage to say “Excuse me, Mr. Erik ten Hag, but I speak very good English.”
To which Erik ten Hag replies, “Sit down, son. I’m talking to Martial.”

Why did Harry Maguire squash an innocent snail with his football boot?
Apparently, it had been following him around all day.

What’s the difference between Manchester United and a dog walker?
The dog walker can hold a lead.

There is an old Liverpool fan who is dying so he calls his Liverpool friends and asks them to do one last thing for him. They say, “Yes of course.” So he asks for a Man Utd shirt.
His friends think that that’s a little bit weird because he has been the biggest LFC fan his whole life.
But because he is dying they accept and get him a shirt. After the old man put on the Man Utd shirt, one of his friends asks him why he changes the team right before he dies.
He says, “Better one of them dying than one of us.”

Recommended: Liverpool FC Jokes

What’s the biggest complaint among Man Utd supporters?
The drive back home to London.

Wayne Rooney was booed by England fans for not scoring against Algeria in the 2010 WC.
Gareth Bale was booed by Real Madrid fans after holding up a flag with the words ‘Wales. Golf. Madrid. after Wales’s qualification for Euro 2020.
Mauro Icardi was cheered by Inter Milan when he missed a penalty against Cagliari after he criticized the fans in his autobiography.
Barcelona fans threw a severed pig’s head at Real Madrid’s Luis Figo while he was taking a corner at Camp Nou.
Imagine how shit must Harry Maguire be if they threaten to bomb his f*cuking house?!

What do you call a gay guy who supports Manchester United?
A Man fan!

What’s the difference between a sperm and a Mann United fan?
A sperm has a 1 in a million chance of being a human being.

What are the odds of Manchester United winning the Premier League 2022-23?
Ask the aliens when they get here.

How poor are The Red Devils in the first half?
They all had a free school meal delivered in the interval.

Recommended: Chelsea Jokes

What is the difference between a fat chick and a Manchester United striker?
Even a fat chick scores every once in a while.

What does a Manchester United supporter do after his team wins the UCL?
He turns off the PS5.

Martin Tyler: “Rashford had been playing with one or two niggles.”
Or Fred and Pogba as they are better known.

Have you heard that Manchester Utd club lacks a website?
They can’t make three “Ws” in a row.

Why did Manchester United have a terrible season?
Because they lost the ‘Fergie time’ watch.

What will be the most successful block Maguire has made all season?
The one after he blocked an abusive troll on Twitter.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card that says, “This man is asthmatic please do not take his breath.’ So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then pulls out another card which read ‘This man is anemic, please do not take his blood.”
Finally, the police, getting pissed off asks him to take a urine test, the man pulled out his Manchester United season ticket which read ‘This man is a Manchester United fan, please do not take the piss.’

What sums up United’s summer signings?
That they have spent more on John Murtough’s plane tickets than midfielders this summer.

What happens if Manchester United keeps going down at this rate?
Soon, they will discover oil.

Why should you be careful if you are driving past Old Trafford this week?
A lot of people have been picking up three points there recently.

Why would a Manchester United lamp make a nice Christmas present by December?
They look great in the middle of the table.

A football fan was just arrested by cops who were looking into match-fixing.
They served search warrants on his home and office, confiscated his computer, laptop, and mobile phone, and froze his bank account.
All he did was go to his local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

What’s the difference between Manchester United fans and mosquitoes?
Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

A custody fight was raging over a young boy.
The judge says to him, “Do you want to stay with your Father?” The boy replies, “No, he beats me.” So the judge asks, “Do you want to stay with your mother?” Again the boy says, “No, she beats me as well.” So the judge asks, “So who do you want to stay with then?”
The boy replies, “Manchester United, they don’t beat anyone.”

What did Barcelona say when Manchester United offered £75m plus Harry Maguire for Frenkie De Jong?
“We would like to take £75m only.”

Recommended: Saturday Jokes

How do you know it’s hard to win at Old Trafford?
Even Man United can’t.

What is the difference between O J Simpson and Manchester United?
OJ Simpson had some sort of defence.

What is the difference between Manchester United and a teabag?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

What is the difference between Manchester United and a triangle?
A triangle has three points.

Why are Manchester United strikers like grizzly bears?
Every fall they go into hibernation.

A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway.
Both cars are wrecked, but both men are unhurt. “This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends,” says the City fan. “I agree,” replies the United fan. The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving. “Look,” he says to the united fan, “This must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival.” He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
“Aren’t you having any?” asks the United fan. “No,” replied the City fan, “I think I’ll wait till the Police get here.”

How is Manchester United club similar to a 3-pin plug?
They’re both useless in Europe.

What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership?
Cold Trafford!

What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a Manchester United team bus?
The Manchester United bus has more pricks.

Recommended: Arsenal Jokes

Alex Ferguson has been honored by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.
Away fans are advised when driving down Alex Ferguson Road, not to forget to add 9 minutes to their journey.

What’s the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Manchester United tickets?
People would pass up a pair of Man United tickets.

Are you a fan of a rival team in the English league? Then what are you waiting for? Share these funny Manchester Utd jokes and memes with your friends and family.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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