50 Funny Manchester United Jokes for Season 2022-23

Funny Manchester United Jokes
Best Manchester United Jokes

Manchester United under the new manager Erik ten Hag began the season as a legitimate contender for the Champions League spot or, at the very least, the Europa League places. They are currently looking good with a shaky start to the season. Rival fans joked that their opponents had gotten so awful that it was no longer entertaining to watch them get humiliated. But we care so we have aggregated the funniest Man United Jokes on the Internet for Premier League season 2022-23.

It’s only a start to the season, but falling behind early on may be difficult to overcome, especially in Manchester, where the news cycle will undoubtedly spin drama and the wrong kinds of speculations ranging from Ronaldo leaving the club to Elon Musk buying the club from the Glazers.

Best Manchester United Jokes

What do you have in common with Manchester United?

Next week, you’ll both be watching the Champions League on television.

What do the United fans have in mind?

“How have I managed to go through so many years supporting United without becoming a crackhead or alcoholic?”

What do they call Manchester Derby at the Etihad?

A training session.

What does a Man Utd fan do when his team has won a trophy?

He turns off the PlayStation.

Why did Manchester United go to Brentford?

Four Nothing.

Imagine if Manchester United had worked fast early in the transfer window.

They might have only lost by 3 goals to Brentford.

What does Casemiro’s signing mean for Man Utd?

Ronnie has a pal to eat lunch with now.

What is the doctor’s advice to Alex Ferguson?

To not watch Manchester United’s matches.

What is the retirement home of Real Madrid players?

Man Utd.

How do you know that Queen was a Ronaldo fan?

Queen Elizabeth sat through Hitler, the Cold war, and the threat of Nuclear war but watching Ronaldo play in the Europa League is where she drew the line.

Recommended: Queen Jokes

Do you know the reason Arsenal lost to Manchester United?

Because Man Utd no longer has defenders that are Young, Small and Blind.

Why did Marcus Rashford score his first goal as a starter in 476 days against Liverpool?

To help promote his new book.

How does Man U base their signings?

On how they are rated on FIFA.

What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?

It all went to shit when Fergie left.

United have signed a new centre-forward from Kabul United FC.

Apparently, on his first day at training, the dutch coach picked up a ball and said: “Ball.” Then he pointed at the goal and said: “Goal.” Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said: “Kick. Understand? Kick, ball, goal. GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!”

The Afghan striker was a little puzzled by this and summed up the courage to say “Excuse me, Mr Erik ten Hag, but I speak very good English.”

To which Erik ten Hag replies: “Sit down, son. I’m talking to Martial.”

Why did Harry Maguire squash an innocent snail with his football boot?

Apparently, it had been following him around all day.

“So glad I don’t play for Man Utd. How embarrassing would that be?”

-Mason Greenwood, 2022

What’s the difference between Manchester United and a dog walker?

The dog walker can hold a lead.

There is an old Liverpool fan who is dying so he calls his Liverpool friends and asks them to do one last thing for him. They say, “Yes of course.” So he asks for a Man Utd shirt.

His friends think that that’s a little bit weird because he has been the biggest LFC fan his whole life.
But because he is dying they accept and get him a shirt. After the old man put on the Man Utd shirt, one of his friends asks him why he changes the team right before he dies.

He says, “Better one of them dying than one of us.”

Recommended: Liverpool FC Jokes

What’s the biggest complaint among Man Utd supporters?

The drive back home to London.

Wayne Rooney was booed by England fans for not scoring against Algeria in the 2010 WC.

Gareth Bale was booed by Real Madrid fans after holding up a flag with the words ‘Wales. Golf. Madrid. after Wales’s qualification to Euro 2020.

Mauro Icardi was cheered by Inter Milan when he missed a penalty against Cagliari after he criticised the fans in his autobiography.

Barcelona fans threw a severed pig’s head at Real Madrid’s Luis Figo while he was taking a corner at Camp Nou.

Imagine how shit must Harry Maguire be if they threaten to bomb his fcuking house?

What do you call a gay guy who supports Manchester United?

A Man fan!

What’s the difference between a sperm and a Mann United fan?

A sperm has a 1 in a million chance of being a human being.

What are the odds of Manchester United winning the Premier League 2022-23?

Ask the aliens when they get here.

How poor are The Red Devils in the first half?

They all had a free school meal delivered in the interval.

Manchester United Funeral Programmes this season:

4 Sep: Man Utd vs Arsenal

2 Oct: Man Utd vs Man City

20 Oct: Man Utd vs Tottenham

23 Oct: Chelsea vs Man Utd

Burial arrangements will be announced in due course. Thank you.

Recommended: Chelsea Jokes

What is the difference between a fat chick and a Manchester United strikers?

Even a fat chick scores every once in a while.

What does a Manchester United supporter do after his team wins the UCL?

He turns off the PS5.

Martin Tyler: “Rashford had been playing with one or two niggles.”

Or Fred and Pogba as they are better known.

Have you heard that Manchester Utd club lacks a website?

They can’t make three “Ws” in a row.

What will be the most successful block Maguire has made all season?

The one after he blocked an abusive troll on Twitter.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says ‘This man is asthmatic please do not take his breath.’ So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then pulls out another card which read ‘This man is anaemic, please do not take his blood.’

Finally, the police, getting pissed off asks him to take a urine test, the man pulled out his Manchester United season ticket which read ‘This man is a Manchester United fan, please do not take the piss.’

What sums up United’s summer signings?

That they have spent more on John Murtough’s plane tickets than midfielders this summer.

What happens if Manchester United keep going down at this rate?

Soon, they will discover oil.

Why should you be careful if you are driving past Old Trafford this week?

A lot of people have been picking up three points there recently.

Why would a Manchester United lamp make a nice Christmas present by December?

They look great in the middle of the table.

A football fan was just arrested by cops who were looking into match-fixing.

They served search warrants on his home and office, confiscated his computer, laptop, and mobile phone, and froze his bank account.

All he did was go to his local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

What’s the difference between Manchester United fans and mosquitoes?

Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

A custody fight was raging over a young boy.

The judge says to him, “Do you want to stay with your Father?” The boy replies, “No, he beats me.” So the judge asks, “Do you want to stay with your mother?” Again the boy says, “No, she beats me as well.” So the judge asks, “So who do you want to stay with then?”

The boy replies, “Manchester United, they don’t beat anyone.”

What did Barcelona say when Manchester United offered £75m plus Harry Maguire for Frenkie De Jong?

“We would like to take £75m only.”

Recommended: Saturday Jokes

How do you know it’s hard to win at Old Trafford?

Even Man United can’t.

What is the difference between O J Simpson and Manchester United?

OJ Simpson had some sort of defence.

What is the difference between Manchester United and a teabag?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

What is the difference between Manchester United and a triangle?

A triangle has three points.

Why are Manchester United strikers like grizzly bears?

Every fall they go into hibernation.

A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway.

Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt. “This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends,” says the City fan. “I agree,” replies the United fan. The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving. “Look,” he says to the united fan, “This must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival.” He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

“Aren’t you having any?” asks the United fan. “No,” replied the City fan, “I think I’ll wait till the Police get here.”

How is Manchester United club similar to a 3-pin plug?

They’re both useless in Europe.

What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership?

Cold Trafford!

What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a Manchester United team bus?

The Manchester United bus has more pricks.

Recommended: Arsenal Jokes

Alex Ferguson has been honored by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.

Away fans are advised when driving down Alex Ferguson Road, not to forget to add 9 minutes to their journey.

What’s the difference between David de Gea and a taxi driver?

A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

What’s the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Manchester United tickets?

People would pass up a pair of Man United tickets.

Who does David de Gea think was the most dangerous striker he had ever faced?

Harry Maguire.

Are you a fan of a rival team in the English league? Then what are you waiting for? Share these funny Manchester Utd jokes and memes with your friends and family.

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