80 High-larious Stoner Jokes And Puns for Your Next Sesh

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Jessica Amlee

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Did you know that ancient humans might have used cannabis as far back as 10,000 years ago, making it one of the earliest cultivated crops in history? Imagine a group of prehistoric stoners gathered around a campfire, sharing their first joint, and making the world’s oldest “stoner jokes”! Fast forward to today, and cannabis culture has evolved into an endless source of humor, producing some of the most hilarious and witty jokes around.

From the classic, “Why is a roach clip called a roach clip? Because pot holder was already taken,” to the timeless, “How do you know you’re a true stoner? When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!” – cannabis enthusiasts continue to light up the world with laughter.

Funny Stoner Jokes

Did you hear about your stoner friend who used your to-do list as a blunt wrap?
He was high on his list of priorities.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?
For sh*ts and giggles.

Yo mama so short, when she smokes weed, she can’t even get high.

How do stoners propose to one another?
“Marriage, you wanna?”

What’s the difference between an HD TV and a hearing impaired stoner?
Nothing, they’re both a high def.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Mary Jane.
(Mary Jane who?)
Mary Jane’s here to lift your spirits!

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it. While a stoner will actually stop and wait for it to turn green.

A stoner, a Jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.

Did you hear about a man’s girlfriend who is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks?
She’s kind of high maintenance.

What is a stoner’s favorite kind of coffee?
Iced Mocha Latte.

Did you hear about the stoner ghost?
He got arrested for possession.

What do stoners and arthritis have in common?
They both inflame joints.

Why are stoners so polite?
Because they always take the high road

Did you hear about the stoner who’s getting a divorce?
Yeah, he’s fighting for joint custody.

What’s a stoner’s favorite instrument?

A math teacher, a gym instructor, and a stoner all die and go to heaven at the same time.
God warns them that heaven is full and that they must trick the devil in order to be admitted. God summons the devil, who enters and announces himself.
The math teacher tries first and assigns him a difficult equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and sends the teacher to hell.
The gym instructor challenges him to 1,000 push-ups in a row without stopping. The devil does not stop, and the gym teacher is cast into hell.
The stoner then says, “Give me a chair with 7 holes carved in it.” The devil hands him the chair. The stoner sits down on it and farts. He asks the devil, “What hole did the fart come out of?” The devil replies, “Easy, the third one.”
The stoner then says, “No, my a$$hole.” And then makes his way to heaven.

Where do stoner cars store their weed?
In potholes.

Recommended: Weed Jokes

What kind of poker do stoner cows play?
High Steaks.

What does a stoner with Parkinson’s disease do in the morning?
Shake and bake.

A cop pulls over a stoner.
The cop looks at him and asks, “How high are you?”
To which the stoner replies, “No officer, the correct way to say it is – Hi how are you?”

What is the stoner thought of the day?
Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. … Until your lighter gets so lighter it won’t light again.

Why couldn’t Medusa pass a drug test?
She was a stoner.

What do you call a stoner with Down Syndrome?
A baked potato.

What do you call a bunch of stoners in a well?
A pot hole.

What do you call a stoner queen?
A hempress.

A bunch of stoners was tasked with the job of inventing a new sport.
The result was just a bunch of misshapen llamas playing football. When they asked the group of stoners why they decided this to be the new sport, they replied, “We were just sitting there in silence for a long time and then someone said: ALPACA BOWL!”

Recommended: Smoking Jokes

What do you call Geology majors at a university who smoke a lot of weed?
They’re all a bunch of stoners.

How do you address a stoner who is giving you orders?
“Your highness.”

Why wouldn’t they let the stoner on the basketball team?
Because he couldn’t jump high.

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?
He parks in it.

How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the room is already lit.

How does stoner fish get high?

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish.
The stoner says, “Alright maaan, uhhh, how about…. a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it.”
The leprechaun replies, “A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish.”
The amazed stoner says, “Really, another wish, that’s awesome!”
The leprechaun explains, “Sure thing, whatever your heart desires.”
Finally, the stoner says, “I’ll take another one!”

How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you’re saying?
Put it bluntly.

Recommended: Vape Jokes

What do Muslims and stoners have in common?
They both get stoned after smoking weed.

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?
Because he gets high Marx.

What do you call a stoner who fell down a hill?
Tumble weed.

Why do stoners never miss a greeting?
They’re always hi.

How do you pick a stoner out of a line up?
You simply WEED ’em out.

A stoner walks into an appliance store.
He asks the proprietor, “How much do you want for that TV set in the window?” The owner glances at the television, then at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.”
So the stoner informs the owner that he will stop smoking and return the following week to purchase the television.
A week later, the stoner returns and declares, “I no longer smoke. How much do you want for that TV set in the window?”
“I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” said the owner. So the stoner departs once more. He returns a week later and inquires, “How much for that TV?”
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?”
The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave.”

What do a stoner’s mouth and shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.

How do you call a group of stoners smoking weed on a live stream?
A pot-cast.

What do you call a stoner who is also a nudist?
Smokey the bare.

Why did the stoner tuna always complete its work first?
It was a fish ent.

What do French stoners smoke?

An old man walks up to a couple of stoners smoking a joint.
He says, “Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”
One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

How come you never see stoners jog?
It’s hard on their joints.

What do stoners ride to school?
The cannibus.

What do you call a stoner arsonist?
A highlighter.

What’s the difference between a cookie and a stoner?
Cookies only get baked once.

The US Military confirmed today that an aircraft crash resulted in the deaths of two marijuana users. The tragic incident occurred shortly after takeoff when the aircraft collided with a residential building.
Experts are saying it’s the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

Why don’t Mathematician stoners celebrate 4/20?
They already celebrated 1/5.

Recommended: 420 Memes

Why did the stoner have to wear a monocle?
His vision was 4/20.

Did you hear about the stoner who died from a heroin overdose last night?
The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

What do you call a group of handicapped potheads?
The Rolling Stoners.

What is a stoner’s favorite computer software?

What does a stoner use to cut wood?
A saw.

What do you call a group of 6 stoned individuals?
Infinity Stoners.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing.
So, he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice. He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice.
“There’s no fish there!” Booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole.
“There’s no fish there either!” Yells the voice again.
The stoner looks around wildly and asks, “Is that, you God?”
“No,” says the voice, “I own the f*cking ice rink!”

Why do stoners make great couples?
They finish each others sandwiches.

What’s a stoner’s favorite body of water?
The T.H. sea.

How does a stoner bake his Christmas ham?
420°, glaze it.

How do you get a one armed stoner out of a tree?
Wave at them.

What do you call a stoner’s Coke?
Baking soda.

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?
Pot Roast.

Why did the stoner fail his driving test?
He kept hitting cones.

One day, three stoners purchase a horse.
They take the horse home and confine it in the living room.
They all take hits till they’re stoned after one of the friends pulls out a bong. They come up with the notion to have fun with the horse while stoned. They put a feeding muzzle on the horse and funnel smoke from the bong through it. They eventually detach the horse’s muzzle, and the horse’s eyes become bloodshot.
As a result, the horse begins to speak: “You have awakened me,” the horse says.
“Whoa, you can talk?” the stoners exclaim. All at once. The horse then tells them that they must jerk him off or he will die.
The first stoner says, “Nuh-uh, I ain’t like that,” and the horse mauls and nibbles on his face, slowly murdering him.
The second stoner tries to flee, yelling, “I’d rather die than jerk off a horse!”
The horse opens a safe, pulls out a shotgun, and fires a shell into the second stoner, causing him to bleed out slowly.
Horrified, the third stoner approaches the horse and does the act till it is completed. After that, the horse spares the third stoner and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?
In gigglebites.

What do you call a stoner that lives on a mountain?
A cave maaaan.

Why making plans with a stoner is like shagging a prostitute?
They tell you they’re coming, but you know it’s a lie.

What’s the difference between a stoner and a Jew?
A stoner gets baked on purpose.

What do Muslims and stoners have in common?
They both get stoned after smoking weed.

What do you call a stoner that is masturbating?
A highjacker.

Do you have another funny stoner joke? Post your stoner puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

1 thought on “80 High-larious Stoner Jokes And Puns for Your Next Sesh”

  1. Stoner 1: How much weed did the elephant buy from its dealer?
    Stoner 2: How much?
    Stoner 1: How much what?
    Stoner 2: How much weed did the elephant buy from its dealer?
    Stoner 1: Dude, I’m pretty sure elephants don’t smoke weed.


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