Smoking, that age-old pastime where people light up a stick of tobacco, take a puff, and then wonder where their wallet and good health went. It’s like burning money, only you inhale it and occasionally get to stand outside in the rain. It’s the perfect hobby for those who think life’s just too long. From the ancient art of rolling paper to the modern vape clouds that make users look like a steam engine, smoking has evolved but the essence remains the same – spending cash to make smoke. It’s no wonder that smoking has become the butt of many jokes. Yes, you guessed it, we’re segueing into the world of Smoking Jokes.
Now, let’s light up the humor with Smoking Jokes, where the only thing that’s really getting roasted is the act itself. In this hazy world, cigarettes are not just sticks of tobacco; they’re mini comedy props that have inspired a whole genre of humor. Think of it as a comedy club, but the only thing getting lit is the punchline. These jokes aren’t here to preach or judge; they’re just puffing out humor in a world that’s often too serious. Remember, it’s all in good fun – like blowing smoke rings, only these rings are made of laughter and don’t leave a smell in your clothes!
Best Smoking Jokes
Did you hear about the man who was fired from his job because he kept asking his customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”?
Apparently, the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Have you heard people say that smoking will give you diseases?
What they don’t know is that it cures salmon.
Yo mama so stupid, she lit her vase on fire because she was trying to smoke pot.
Do you know that my neighbors are okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana?
But cocaine is where they draw the line.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Alpaca.
(Alpaca who?)
Alpaca cigarette and quit smoking!
Why is it weird to smoke weed with immigrants?
If you ask anyone if they have any papers, they all run like hell.
There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don’t have a lighter, how do they smoke?
They toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
What do ducks smoke?
Qwack.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Yo mama so fat, she doesn’t smoke blunts. She smokes hams.
What do fish smoke?
Seaweed.
One woman said to another, “Do you smoke after you make love?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never looked.”
What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?
Jim the Juul Man Jailor.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ash.
(Ash who?)
Bless you! You’ve been smoking too much!
Recommended: Weed Jokes
What happens if you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia?
You get stoned.
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that’s when the steaks are highest.
Around 2 am, an elderly guy is stopped by police and asks where he is traveling at this time of night. “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late,” the man responds.
The officer then inquires, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this hour?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
What’s a chiropractor’s favorite thing to smoke?
Crack.
What does an angel use to light his cigarette?
A match made in heaven.
What do French people smoke?
Oui’d.
Why did Bilbo Baggins quit smoking?
He wanted to give up the Hobbit.
What is the secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?
Cremation.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Tank.
(Tank who?)
Tank goodness you quit smoking before you ended up like one of those old tanks from World War II!
What do you call cigarettes you find in a thrift shop?
Second hand smokes.
How did the pirate quit smoking?
He used the patch.
A salesman knocks on a house’s doorbell, and the door is opened by a 12-year-old boy clutching a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The salesman is taken aback, but he presses on, asking, “Is your father home?”
The kid replies, “What the f*ck do you think?”
“Your eyes look red.” said the cop. “Have you been smoking weed?”
“Your eyes look glazed,” the man replied. “Have you been eating donuts?”
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?
Mariguana.
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air.
Why did the boat pick up smoking?
Because of pier pressure.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Quit.
(Quit who?)
Quit smoking, and you’ll be on the road to a healthier life!
What’s another name for time off from work to have a smoke?
Taking a coughy break.
Why doesn’t Gollum smoke or dip?
He doesn’t like those filthy habitsez.
Why don’t vampires like to smoke?
They always end up coffin.
What do you call a magician that smokes?
A wheezard.
How do you get your best friend to quit smoking?
Quit laughing and put the fire out.
In a tree, a koala bear is smoking a blunt.
“What are you doing?” says the lizard. “I’m getting high, man,” the koala bear adds. “What do you mean?” says the lizard. Rather than explaining it to the lizard, the koala bear persuades him to have some.
“Dude, my mouth is so dry,” the lizard says to the koala shortly after. “I need some water,” so the lizard goes down to the river for a drink and falls in. Crocodile witnesses this happen and goes “what’s going on with you?!”. The lizard attempts to explain what he did to obtain cottonmouth, but instead adds, “see, just go ask that koala in that tree over there.”
So the crocodile gets out of the river, walks over to the tree, looks up, and says “Hey you!”
The koala looks down at the crocodile and says, “Shittttttt man. How much water did you drink?!?”
What do communists smoke?
We’d.
What do you call a king that’s smoking a bong?
Your Highness.
What do Pastafarians smoke?
Medicinal marinara.
What’s a priest’s favorite cigarette?
Holy Smokes.
Recommended: Vaping Jokes
What has two [eyes] and smokes?
Pompeii.
Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn’t smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where’s your f*cking Ferrari?
What do Nintendo fans smoke?
Wiid.
What kind of marijuana does SpongeBob smoke?
Dankton.
What do skeletons smoke to get high?
Marrowana.
Why don’t Sikh men smoke?
Because their beards will get Singh’ed.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
“You’re too young to smoke.”
What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem?
It’s a puffin!
Recommended: Cancer Jokes
A man smoked two cigarettes at once.
When asked why, he replied, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”
While he was smoking only one cigarette one day, folks happily inquired, “Is your brother out of jail?”
“No, I quit,” he replied.
What happens when a person with ADHD smokes marijuana?
He stones out.
Where does the Bible mention smoking?
Genesis 24:64 — And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
What do you call an alpaca that screams when it sees a fire?
A smoke a-llama.
A woman walks up to an elderly-looking man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she says. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he says. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman says. “How old are you?”
“Thirty-six.”
What do you give a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
“Mother, how was I born?” a young girl inquires of her mother.
“Once upon a time, your daddy and I chose to sow a delightful tiny seed,” her mother said, misty-eyed. “Daddy planted it in the ground, and I cared for it every day. The tiny seed sprouted more and more leaves, and after a few months, it had grown into a lovely, healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we f*cked without a condom.”
Recommended: Butt Jokes
How is eating p#ssy similar to smoking a cigarette?
The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.
What do you call it If you m*sturbate after smoking marijuana?
Not sure between high-jacking and weed-whacking.
Did you hear about the officer who was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job?
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
In conclusion, humor is a great way to approach the serious issue of smoking. While it’s important to take the health risks of smoking seriously, sometimes a lighthearted joke can help break the tension and encourage people to quit. Whether it’s a pun or a knock-knock joke, there’s no shortage of smoking-related humor out there. So next time you’re thinking about lighting up, remember the old adage: “smoking is bad for your health, but good for a laugh!”
Do you have a smoking joke? Post your own smoking puns in the comment section below!
Why did the cigarette go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling ash-amed!
Smoking is like paying someone to set your lungs on fire and then complaining that you’re short of breath.