60 Funny Addiction Jokes That You Cannot Share With Addicts

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Jessica Amlee

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Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disorder that is manifested by compulsive substance use or behavior, despite harmful consequences. It often starts with a voluntary decision to try drugs or engage in certain behaviors, eventually leading to a cycle that is hard to break. Addiction is a multifaceted issue involving not only physical dependence but also psychological, emotional, and societal aspects. It can drastically impact a person’s life, relationships, and overall well-being.

The humor derived from addiction jokes is often based on the shared experiences and struggles associated with overcoming addiction. These jokes can highlight the ironies and absurdities of addiction, helping individuals find a semblance of lightness amid the heaviness of their circumstances. For instance, someone in recovery might joke about replacing one addiction with another less harmful one, like switching from alcohol to coffee addiction.

However, it’s important to remember that while humor can be a coping mechanism, these jokes should never belittle the severity of the addiction or make light of the real struggles people face. Instead, they can serve as a form of catharsis, bringing laughter into spaces that are often filled with difficulty, and encouraging open discussion about the realities of addiction and recovery.

Best Addiction Jokes

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

There’s a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, “I’m seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”

Have you seen a junkie keep telling himself to quit drugs?
Like he’s going to listen to a drug addict.

Yo mama so short, when she tried to get high she couldn’t.

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

The girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”
The boyfriend replied, “Wait! I can change.”

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(High who?)
High can buy myself flowers,” said Miley Cyrus.

Why should you never buy a pair of shoes from a drug addict?
Don’t know what they lace them with but you’ll be trippin’ after that.

What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.

What’s the worst part of an apple addiction?
You can’t see a doctor about it.

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction.
It’s ok. He’s a little better.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought high school was a school for drug addicts.

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?
He had a quack addiction.

What’s the hardest part of being addicted to money?
The withdrawals.

Our parents used to tell us that drug dealers would offer us free drugs until we are addicted to them, then they would charge us extremely high prices for it once we got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, looks like all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Weed who?)
Weed don’t need no education!

Recommended: Weed Jokes

Did you hear about the wife who said she is leaving her husband because of his addiction to anti-depressants?
Guess he won’t be needing those anymore.

Did you hear about the grandpa who is addicted to Viagra?
No one is taking it harder than grandma.

A Priest with a golf addiction.
awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can’t work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to a distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip.
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, “Why didn’t you punish him?”
God responds, “I did! ….who is he going to tell?”

What’s the best thing about being a meth addict?
Only two more sleeps until Christmas.

What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.

Yo mama so crazy when they asked her why she likes to smell her own farts for, she replied, “Because im addicted to crack.”

Did you hear about the guy addicted to eating salt?
Don’t worry, he was cured.

Once a wife is fed up with her husband’s constant stream jokes, so he asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?!” She shot back, “Whatever means necessary!!”
He chuckled, “No it doesn’t!”

Did you hear about the man with a cocaine addiction who recently quit?
It was the end of the line for him.

Recommended: Drug Jokes

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well-dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.
The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well-dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man happily announces as he approaches.
Bartender thinks: “This guy can’t be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard the previous night.”
He pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
The third night in a row, the bartender just can’t believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
The drunk looks at him and says: “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”

A wife said to her husband that she’ll leave him if I don’t overcome his poker addiction.
He thinks she’s bluffing.

What do you call someone who can’t stop watching films with strong female leads?
A heroine addict.

Home repair is an addiction.
You’re always looking for the next fix.

Two meth addicts with HIV are staking out a gutter and the one meth addict tweaks out and says “My girlfriend ran away with my best friend.”
Other one says, “You bitter?”
“Hell yeah, and I bit him too.”

One out of 3 people is addicted to drugs.
Look at the person on your left. Now look at the person on your right. Chances are one of them has some drugs to share with you.

Why are so many chemists addicted to alcohol?
Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.

What do ATMs and rehab patients have in common?

Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says “This is a really long f*ckin staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this f*ckin low handrail thats killing me.”

What did the Power Ranger say after becoming a Junkie?
Its Morphine time.

The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting.
“Stay off the grass.”

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
She said that needles were habit forming.

What do you call a bird with a drinking problem?
An owlcoholic.

Stoner 1: How much weed did the elephant buy from its dealer?
Stoner 2: How much?
Stoner 1: How much what?
Stoner 2: How much weed did the elephant buy from its dealer?
Stoner 1: Dude, I’m pretty sure elephants don’t smoke weed.

Recommended: Stoner Jokes

Why was the coke-addicted actor upset with the director?
He didn’t give him enough lines.

Have you heard about the guy addicted to brake fluid?
He said he could stop anytime he wanted.

A stoner sits on the balcony and smokes a fat joint.
Suddenly a huge ball of flames rises up before him and vanishes in the sky. “Whoa,” he said, as he lit another joint. Again, the flaming ball is seen and the stoner watches in awe. After another joint, and another rising, he goes back inside and says to his flatmate, “Man, I’m so thirsty right now!”
His flatmate answers, “No wonder, you were three days on the balcony!”

Where do you go to get help with a cheese addiction?

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction?
An acracknid.

Why is being a pirate so addicting?
Lose your first hand and then you’re hooked.

A sex addict, an alcoholic, and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.
The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.
On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can’t help himself. He says, “F*ck it. That guy was full of shit. There’s no way one little drink will kill me,” and goes into the bar. The other two men, curious to see what happens, wait for him outside.
Minutes later, the alcoholic opens the bar door, takes one step onto the sidewalk, and drops dead. The other two men are shocked and in disbelief.
The two men continue down the street. A man walking towards them flicks an almost full cigarette onto the sidewalk as he goes into a store. The chain smoker stops in front of the cigarette and stares at it. The sex addict says to him, “Don’t do it, man. If you bend over and pick up that smoke, we’re both f*cking dead.”

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
The drunk will run a stop sign, the stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Do you know that shopping addicts are the opposite of drug addicts?
The more stuff they buy, the less they use it.

Recommended: Drinking Jokes

What’s the dog breed that is addicted to the internet?
The CYBERian husky.

Why did the turkey addict fail to quit his addiction?
He tried cold turkey but got addicted to that too.

What would you call Jesus if he was a drug addict?
A meth-siah.

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, “You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny.”
He says to the second one, “You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy.”
Then the third one whispers to her son, “Come on Dick, lets go.”

Who is the second most p*rn-addicted person in the world?
Your FBI-Agent.

In a house full of caffeine addicts, they found their coffee maker broken this morning.
And now there’s trouble brewing.

What is a phone addict’s favorite cereal?

How bad is your internet addiction?
Its alt of ctrl.

A kid was addicted to masturbating.
As he got older, he got addicted to sex. His therapist says, his addiction got out of hand.

What do F-18 pilots have in common with internet addicts during the dial-up times?
Both of them break out in cold sweat when their display shows NO CARRIER.

Do you have a funny addiction joke? Write down your own jokes about addiction in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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