Winter is that one season where nature seems to say, “Let’s play freeze tag, but with your toes!” Every breath you take turns into a mini cloud, and wearing five layers suddenly feels like a fashion statement. The sun plays hide and seek, but mostly hides, while you master the art of shivering like a pro. It’s a season full of chills, but Winter Jokes are here to warm things up.
Our jokes about Winter season are like warm scarves for your funny bone, wrapping you up in laughter just when you need it most. They take the frosty miseries of the season and flip them into something to giggle about. It’s like Mother Nature’s way of saying, “I may chill your bones, but I’ll also tickle your funny side.” Winter may freeze your hands, but these jokes? They’ll warm your heart.
Best Winter Jokes
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter.
Which sucks because he had a great fall.
Why do bees stay in their beehives all through the winter?
Swarm.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Dishes.
(Dishes who?)
Dish is the coldest winter ever.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with a hammer.”
The wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread.
It’s a Pita Parka.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Snow.
(Snow who?)
Snow one’s better than you.
Not many people can conquer Russia in the winter.
But Genghis Khan.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,”it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Why is the Pope cold at night?
Because his sheets are holy.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Scold.
(Scold who?)
Scold outside.
Well, it’s time to get your winter car ready.
And put away my autumn-mobile.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter.
Scientist 1: It’s really cold outside, how many degrees?
Scientist 2: it’s -40°
Scientist 1: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Scientist 2: Yes.
Why do programmers love winter?
Because there are no bugs.
Why don’t therapists go on holidays?
It’s a lot to unpack.
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What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Do you know that Global warming is real?
It is winter and we have had the hottest day of the year already!
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat.
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
What happens to winter fat?
It becomes spring rolls!
What do you call a winter train full of teeth?
The Molar Express.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Emma!
(Emma who?)
Emma bit cold out here – let me in!
What do you call an espresso with a cold?
Coughee.
How do you plan your big stacks of wood for the winter?
Log-istics.
A man and the concept of arithmetic notation walk into a bar.
It’s winter and freezing outside.
“Man, it’s so cold!” says the man, “my fingers and toes are completely numb!”
“Oh yeah?” says the concept of arithmetic notation. “Well, my digits are number!”
Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
A landlord told his tenant that he wanted to come by to talk about the house’s sky-high heating bills during the recent winter.
“Sure thing,” said the tenant. “Come whenever you want. My door is always open.”
What do bears do together during the winter?
They hibermate.
What do you call a cold cucumber?
A cucumbrrr.
Why did the snowman name his dog frost?
Because frost bites.
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A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin.
One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor’s error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it’s actually a part of Belarus.
“Oh thank God!” the man exclaims. “I don’t think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here.”
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can’t afford the train!
What’s the most uncomfortable part of a nuclear winter?
Icy BMs.
Why is Deadpool’s house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall.
How do you find Will Smith in the winter?
You search for Fresh Prints.
“When I was learning to drive in the winter,” a father told his son. “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, the son got lost on his way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high that he couldn’t see any street signs. With no map in his car and a dead cell phone, he thought he might be stranded, so he pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, he saw the headlights of a plow truck in his rearview mirror. Thanking his lucky stars, he turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead him back somewhere he recognized.
He followed that truck for what felt like hours. When the truck turned left, he’d turn left. The truck swung to the right, and he was right on its tail. After a while, the son saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and he saw the driver get out and approach his car. He rolled down the window to talk to him.
“Why are you following me, kid?” the plow driver asked.
“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”
“Well,” said the plow driver. “I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??”
How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?
They’re both flying information.
If you get cold this winter, try standing in the corner of a room.
It’s usually 90°.
What is a country with a cold name?
Chile or Iceland.
Why do gymnasts never season their food in the winter?
Because they only like summer salts.
What’s white, cold, falling in winter, and ending with “bass”?
The snow, dumbass.
Why do writers always feel cold?
Because they are surrounded by drafts!
What band is best to see during winter?
Coldplay.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Alaska!
(Alaska who?)
Alaska my Mom if I can come out and play in the snow.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
It’s too cold to wash them out-tide.
What is my favorite winter outdoor activity?
Coming back inside.
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What’s worse than a cold toilet seat?
A warm one.
A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician, and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car breaks down.
It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “They said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.
After a few minutes, the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened… the engine oil probably hadn’t been changed in a long time, became oxidized and contaminated, lost its ability to lubricate therefore completely seizing the pistons to the cylinder walls of the engine. It’ll have to be replaced.”
The Engineer tells the others, “I’m fairly certain the planetary gear set or valve body inside the transmission failed, likely due to a poor design. These cars aren’t exactly the greatest and it’s a known issue, that’s why it broke down. The transmission will have to be replaced.”
The Electrician says, “You guys are overreacting, it’s probably just a blown fuse or relay that burned out causing the car to shut off. We can check the integrity of the fuse box, make sure there’s no excessive resistance or a short to ground that caused it to blow in the first place. I have my multimeter in the trunk. We can just swap it out and we’ll be on our way.”
The IT guy looks around and says, “What if, uh… what if we just get out of the car and then get back in again?”
How is winter like the Justin Bieber of seasons?
It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
What do you call a cold, angry pig?
A ham-brr-grr.
Why don’t Bond villains feel cold in the winter?
Because they dress in lairs.
It is so cold outside that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
A man is having trouble with a polar bear roaming around his remote cabin, so he calls up a famous polar bear behavior expert to ask about the best way of trapping or killing it.
“First, you have to wait for winter. You have a river or pond near your property?”
“I do,” the man acknowledges.
“Good. So what you do is, once it freezes over, drill a big hole in the ice. Then get a can of peas – any brand will do – and sprinkle them around the edges of the hole. Polar bears love canned peas.”
“And what then?”
“Then when the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.”
What was the most popular winter sport during biblical floods?
De Luge.
What’s a Mexican’s favorite winter food?
A BURRRRRRito.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Guitar.
(Guitar who?)
Guitar coats, it’s cold outside!
Why did the geneticist hate winter?
He always forgot to put a codon!
How do Australians keep warm in the winter?
They put on down-underwear.
What do you need if you’re cold, while on the moon?
A space heater.
A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside
One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.
“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”
The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.
“He’s onto something, guys!” Says the second mole, “I don’t smell maple syrup but the air is surely ripe with strawberry syrup.”
The second mole leaves. Finally, a third mole pops his head out of the hole and sniffs around. With a perplexed look, he shrugs and starts to leave.
“Do you smell any syrup out there too?” Ask the remaining moles in the burrow.
“No.” Says the exiting mole, “but we’ve been in this hole so long that it smells like molasses in here”
What do you call a pigsty in winter?
A Pigloo.
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What happens when you freeze holy water?
You get Popesicles.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ant.
(Ant who?)
Antartic is always wintery.
What does a spy do when he feels cold?
He goes undercover.
What do you call a dog in the summer?
A hot dog, and in the winter it’s a chili dog.
Yo mama so fat, when she watches Winter his view count goes up a thousand.
Al Pacino is making a new movie where he plays a winter fashion expert.
It’s called Scarf Ace.
Why did the bee survive winter?
Because it wore a yellow jacket.
Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?
She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.
Two Minnesota hunters traveled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.
After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.
As they struggled to drag the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.
Assured that all was in order the officer wished them a good day, but offered some advice, “If you boys would pull from the front legs, instead of the back legs, the animal will glide easier the with the grain of the fur in the snow, instead of against the fur.
The hunters thanked the officer and took his advice.
After about an hour of pulling the deer, the first hunter says to the other. “That officer was a nice guy, and this deer is easier to pull.”
The second hunter replies. “Yeah, but he wasn’t all that smart, we’re getting further away from the truck.”
Why does skiing need two i’s?
Because stereoscopic vision helps you avoid obstacles
What’s Irish and stays out all winter?
Patio furniture.
Recommended: Adult Winter Jokes
Apparently, the squirrels are anticipating a much colder winter this year
They’re collecting far more nuts than usual – Three of my relatives have disappeared so far.
How often should you wear gloves in the winter?
Intermittenly.
A man turns to his wife and says, “Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery.”
She asks, “Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?”
He replies, “Take it all, go away!”
Why is it hard to buy stuff in winter?
Bank account is frozen.
Knock, knock
(Who’s there?)
Gladys.
(Gladys who?)
Gladys Winter. How about you?!
Why do beans fly south for the winter?
Because they don’t want to be chili!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
Long jumper.
What do you call it when you try to pick an apple tree in the winter?
Fruitless.
When Chuck Norris goes to the Snow he Skiis uphill.
What do you call a Yeti with a six-pack?
The Abdominal Snowman.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around. I’ll go on ahead.
Why was the computer cold?
Because it left its Windows open!
Do you have a funny Winter joke? Write down your best cold season jokes in the comment section below!
