A preacher can turn a calm Sunday morning into a long session filled with advice, deep lessons, and serious expressions. In one small town, the local preacher spoke so loudly that even the people dozing off in the back rows quickly woke up. He enjoyed talking about patience, kindness, and avoiding trouble, but many people in the church were secretly counting the minutes until the sermon ended and lunch finally began.
That is exactly why preacher jokes became so popular around town. People could not stop talking about the dramatic gestures, the never-ending sermons, and the way every simple topic somehow became a major life lesson. The preacher started noticing the quiet laughs and smiling faces during church gatherings, so he became even more strict, which only made the stories about him even funnier.
Best Preacher Jokes
Preachers usually don’t have big salaries.
But they have the best prophet sharing plans.
Forgive me, Father, Priest, Preacher, Reverend,
for I have synonymed.
A young man was inspired to help out with his church’s fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 Bibles to sell.
The following day, the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The following day, the preacher gave him 10. By the end of the week, the young man broke the church’s all-time record for the highest sale of Bibles.
The preacher believed that divine intervention had occurred. He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man’s secret.
So the preacher asked the man how he was able to sell so many Bibles in such a short amount of time.
The young man smiled and said, “I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them.”
Did you know that Mike Tyson used to be a preacher?
It’s true! He punched people in the faith!
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change. At home, he was shy, quiet, and retiring, but in the church, he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day, she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”
I once heard a preacher explain Jesus’ crucifixion in detail.
I think he nailed it.
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Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”
The boy lowers his gaze but does not answer. The preacher raises his voice further, shakes his finger in the boy’s face, and bellows, “Where is God?!”
The boy screams and runs directly home and dives into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother finds him in the closet, he asks, “What happened?” “Why are you shaking?”
Gasping for breath, the younger brother replies, “We are in BIG trouble this time.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”
Then,
“Why do I bother with puns? Everyone here’s brain dead.”
An 80-year-old lady was marrying for the 4th time.
A newspaper asked if she wouldn’t mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She smiled and said, “My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher, and now, in my 80’s, a funeral director.”
When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained, “I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.”
Did anyone ever hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
Nun showed up.
I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, “Stand up!” And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause.
Then the preacher said, “Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?”
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
“I have an idea,” said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
Recommended: Bible Jokes
A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.
“Damned if you do, dammed if you don’t.”
After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him, “In this town, we get dressed up for church.”
“But I am but a humble farmer with no better clothes than these. What shall I do?”
“Pray to God,” the priest replied. “He will tell you what to do.”
The next week, the farmer came back to church wearing different clothes, but they were no better than the other set of clothes he had on before. The priest interrupted the service to berate the farmer.
“Didn’t I tell you to ask God what to wear to come here?”
“Yes, sir, you did.”
“And did you do that?”
“Yes, sir, I did.”
“And what did God tell you to wear?”
“Well, to be honest, Father, he didn’t know. He said he’s never been in this church before.”
What did the preacher call the snot rocket?
Blasphlemy.
Immediately after mass one Sunday morning, a man stops to shake the preacher’s hand. “That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today,” the man tells the preacher. “Goddamned fine!”
“Thank you, sir,” the preacher answers, “but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord’s house.”
“You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!” says the man.
And the preacher says, “No shit!”
A preacher dropped Scrabble on the road.
He was trying to get the word out on the street.
A preacher is reaching the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation, “Now, for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon.”
A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked, “How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?” Everyone raised their hands.
The preacher looked and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now, let me start my sermon on lying.”
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What do you call it when a preacher lets a fart during the sermon?
A church pew.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Great preachers don’t die…
They just pastor on.
A big, burly man visited his pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”.
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, an elderly, white-bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.
The young minister looked at the farmer and asked, “What do you think we should do?”
The farmer scratched his beard thoughtfully. “Well, I don’t know much about preaching, but I do know about farming. If I went down to the pasture with a load of hay to feed my cows and only one cow showed up, I’d feed that cow.”
The seminary graduate said, “That’s great! You sit right there, and I’ll preach you a sermon.”
After about ninety minutes of preaching hellfire and brimstone, the seminary graduate concluded his sermon. Feeling pretty proud of his accomplishment, the preacher turned to the farmer and asked, “Well, how was it?”
The farmer scratched his beard thoughtfully. “As I said, I don’t know much about preaching, but I do know about farming. Like I told you, if I went down to the field with a load of hay and only one cow showed up, I’d feed that one cow. But, there’s just one thing.”
“What’s that?” the preacher asked.
The farmer replied, “I wouldn’t feed her the whole load.”
There was a preacher who fell into the ocean, and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by, and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.” Eventually, the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
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The local church is doing a riverside baptism. There is a pretty long line of people waiting to be baptized by the river.
A wandering drunk man sees the line, doesn’t know what’s going on, but decides to join in.
When it is the drunk man’s turn, he goes into the river, and the preacher grabs him, holds the drunk’s nose, takes him under the water, brings him back up, and says to the drunk man, “Have you found Jesus?”
Drunk man says, “No.”
Preacher gets a puzzled look on his face, grabs the drunk man and takes him under again, holding him down a few more seconds, brings him back up, and says a little more forcefully, “Have you found Jesus??”
Drunk man says, “Nope.”
Preacher is really flustered now, grabs the drunk and really pulls him under the water, keeps him under for a long time, finally pulls him up and screams at the drunk, “HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?!?”
The drunk man is spitting and sputtering, gasping for air, and when he gets his breath, replies to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
One Sunday morning, a preacher told his congregation, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!”
The whole church came forward except for one guy. Thinking that maybe the man hadn’t heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.
Again, the man just sat there.
“Sir,” said the preacher, “don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?
The man replied, “Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now.”
A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people’s houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon and rings the doorbell. He distinctly hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home, he takes out his business card and writes “Revelations 3:20” down and puts it on the doormat.
A few weeks later, after church service, an usher hands him the same business card, only this time, under “Revelations 3:20,” there is another verse, “Genesis 3:10.”
Here is what each of them says:
Revelations 3:20: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10: “I heard you in the garden and I did not answer, for I was naked.”
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, “Thank God,” and to stop when he said, “Amen.”
The preacher mounted the horse and said, “Thank God,” and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, “Amen.” He took off again, saying, “Thank God.”
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, “Whoa! whoa!” Then he remembered and said “Amen,” and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, “Thank God!”
A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.
“See that?” St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.
“Yup,” says God, “I’ll fix him, the little truant!”
With that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.
The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it’s caught by a seagull, which flies a few hundred yards with it before dropping it onto the #1 green, about a yard from the hole. At this point, a large toad emerges from the hole, dances a passable impression of Michael Flatley’s Riverdance finale (for a toad), then grabs the ball and disappears back down the hole.
St Peter puzzled said, “I thought you were going to punish him?”
God replied, “I just did, who’s ever going to believe him?”
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One Sunday, in a church, the preacher said out loud, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And the congregation shouted, “Amen!”
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river.”
And the congregation shouted, “Amen!”
“And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river.”
Again, the congregation shouted, “Amen!”
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said, “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, “We shall drink from that river.”
The congregation shouted, “HALLELUJAH!!!”
The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, “Praise Jesus, today you will walk!”
“But… but I’m not paralyzed.”
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand, and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
The Mullah came, took my hands, and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
The Hindu sadhu came and said, “Beta, you will walk on your legs today.”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands, and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
A guy with a bad sunburn, an albino, and a sad guy walk into a crowded church on July 4th weekend.
The preacher saw them standing for a bit and spoke from the pulpit to the usher, “Let’s get three chairs for the red, white, and blue!”
Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died.
He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note and read out loud, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.
Exhausted, he fell to his knees, praying, “Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!” Looking back, he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer, and exclaimed, “It’s a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!”
Meanwhile, the bear started praying, “For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks.”
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It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin, but there was no trace of the main preacher.
A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop’s room. “What shall I do, bishop? They’re asking me to give a sermon, and I don’t have anything prepared!”
“Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord,” said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the priest left and looked around for inspiration in the bishop’s Bible
In there, he found card notes for a sermon and, praising the Lord, went ahead and gave the sermon with the notes.
Everyone loved his sermon and came to praise him after the service was over. Just then, the Bishop comes storming over and says, “Young man, you’ve used my cards that I was going to use for my service tonight! And what do you expect me to do now?“
The young priest replied, ” Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord.”
Yo mama so fat, when she got saved, the preacher had to baptize her at Sea World.
An accountant, a lawyer, and a preacher were out hunting.
The three men are startled by a huge buck and discharge their weapons prematurely. Nonetheless, the buck goes down.
The men are debating who actually killed the buck when a game warden comes along. The warden examines the carcass and determines that the preacher fired the kill shot.
“How did you know it was me?’ asks the preacher.
The warden replies, “It went in one ear and out the other.”
Yo mama so ugly, the preacher of a crystal church saw her walk by the church and he put a tarp over the church ever since.
The two-thousand-member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats, entered through the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus, stay in your seats!”
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”
The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration.
I felt it was a little forced.
A Priest was driving down the road with a drunk driver right behind him.
The Priest was distracted and ran off the road and down a steep embankment. The drunk, seeing this, stopped to help. He ran down the hill and approached the priest’s car. The drunk said, “You alright, preacher?”
The Priest said,” Yes, son, the Lord was riding with me.”
The drunk responded, “ You better let him ride with me, you’re gonna kill him.”
Did you hear about the bald eagle that became a preacher?
He thought he was a bird of pray.
A preacher rides into a town in the Old West.
As he’s riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, “This stallion okay?”
The preacher says, “Yes. We passed through a patch of peyote and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God’s good word, to help you worthless, sinful heathens to-“
The Sheriff shakes his head, struggling to hold the animal still, and says, “Now, before you go preaching to us, why don’t you get off your high horse.”
What did the skunk preacher say to his congregation?
“LET US SPRAY!”
Do you have a funnier Preacher joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
