60 Funny Priest Jokes You Cannot Share With A Catholic

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Jessica Amlee

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Priests often have this aura of solemnity, like they’ve mastered the art of keeping a straight face during the most comical sermon slip-ups. Imagine having the power to turn a loaf of bread into a spiritual feast, all while wearing a robe that could easily double as a comfortable blanket. They move through life sprinkling holy water like it’s glitter at a party, offering blessings like they’re dishing out the best pieces of advice. But let’s not forget, underneath those robes and solemn expressions, there’s a sense of humor that can make even the church bells chuckle. In fact, you could say priests have a ‘divine’ sense of humor, turning even the most mundane church tasks into opportunities for a heavenly chuckle.

That’s where Priest Jokes come into play, lighting up the church aisles with laughter brighter than any stained glass window. These jokes are not your typical knee-slappers; they’re a blend of wit and wisdom, served with a side of holy humor. Imagine the fun of combining the sacred with the side-splitting, turning the pulpit into a stage for divine comedy. Priest Jokes are like those little moments of unexpected laughter during a sermon, where you realize that even those dedicated to the spiritual path love a good giggle. They remind us that while life can be a bit serious, there’s always room for a joke that’s as uplifting as a hymn and as light-hearted as a Sunday morning smile.

Clean Priest Jokes

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.

A murderer is to be executed by an electric chair and the priest asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?
They’re especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

Yo mama so frugal, she’d try to negotiate her tithe with a priest.

Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.

Recommended: Rabbi and Priest Jokes

What do you call a left-handed priest?
A sinister minister

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Priest who?)
Priest open the door, I’ve come to bless your new home!

What do you get when you cross a priest with a dressmaker?
Someone that cries “Be gown, Satin!”

Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?
He was a Ramen Catholic.

What does a priest put on salad?
Lettuce spray.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests at the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He’s full of confidence, incredibly expressive, and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches him and asks, “Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!”
“I know…” Says the priest, “but that was just my altar ego.”

In what US state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

Recommended: Clean Catholic Jokes

What’s a priest’s favorite snack?

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; ‘Could they possibly get married in Heaven?’
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons, ‘If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Why do priests boil water so often?
They’re making holy water. They need to boil the hell out of it.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?
“Let us spray!”

A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?”
“Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?”
The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”

Why is a priest’s favorite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous.

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.
As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together and says
“Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.”

What happens when you don’t pay the priest for your exorcism?
You get repossessed.

Recommended: Church Jokes

What does a vitamin have to do to attract a Catholic priest?

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops, and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: “Don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross, and said, “Moshe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

What do you call it when a priest rides the bus?
Mass transit.

What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.

This priest decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn’t feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards, and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450-yard hole-in-one.
An angel looked at God and said, “What’d you do that for?”
God smiled and said, “Who’s he going to tell?”

What does a Priest do when he goes to the gym?
He Exorcises.

Did you know all Swiss cheese is blessed by priests?
That’s why its holey.

A man goes to the confessional and tells the priest, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain while golfing.”
“I understand, my son,” the priest says. “I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?”
“Well,” the man says, “I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees.”
“Was that when you did it?” The priest asked.
“No, the ball bounced off a tree and onto the green,” the man continued. “But it bounced into a sandtrap.”
“And then you cursed?”
“No, I pulled out a wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled down the green and stopped two feet from the cup.”
“Ah, that was when you blasphemed,” the priest nods.
“No, Father,” the man replies.
“Jesus Christ,” the priest yells, “You missed a two-foot putt?!”

What is a priest’s favorite spice?

A Higgs-boson walks into a church.
The priest says “Higgs-bosons aren’t allowed in here.” The higgs-boson says “But without me, how can you have mass?”

Recommended: Adult Priest Jokes

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. On Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. “Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

Did you hear the one about the priest who wanted to be a gunslinger?
“Pew, pew, pew.”

Why did the priest refuse to learn trigonometry?
Because it is full of sin.

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest, “I’m Jesus Christ.”
The Priest replies, “No son, you’re not!”
So he says to the second, “I’m Jesus Christ.”
He says, “No son, you’re not.”
The drunk says, “Look I can prove it.”
He takes the two Priests into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says, “JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE HERE AGAIN!!!”

What’s the Priest of an insect church?
A Praying Mantis.

What do you call a priest who enjoys hiking?
A roamin’ catholic.

A man was leaving the grocery store when he tripped and fell into a puddle. “Jesus Christ, God Almighty!” he exclaimed. At the same moment, a priest was nearby and said “What did you say?”
The man responded, “Cheese and rice, got all muddy!”

What is a priest’s favorite song?
“I got 90 nun problems.”

What do you call a priest that loves cats?
A Cat-holic.

Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic: Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest: He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic: Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest: He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic: In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

Which ancient Egyptian priest can you turn to for frank advice?

Why didn’t the priest develop any of the photos that his deacon took at night?
Because he wanted nothing to do with the prints of darkness.

Recommended: Angel Jokes

Two boys were misbehaving. So their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that “God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn’t misbehave.”
The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.
She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest’s office and stayed outside while the priest and Ray talked.
“Where is God?” The priest calmly asked expecting to make the point that “God is everywhere”. Ray, petrified, said nothing. So the priest asked again slightly louder, “Where is God?!”. Ray still said nothing. So the priest stood up and slammed his hands on the desk yelling, “WHERE IS GOD?!?!”. Ray stood up and ran out of the office, past his mother, and ran all the way home.
He came screaming at the front door and ran straight to Jim’s room. He opened the door and said, “GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!”

Why did the priest spray Lysol on his crucifix?
To avoid cross contamination.

Why did the priest cross the road?
To get a-cross.

Two ancient priests are meeting again for the first time in years.
First Priest: Greetings brother. I trust you have been well.
Second Priest: I have. Though I must tell you, I am now in the service of a new god. He is greater and more worthy of worship than any of our old pantheon.
First Priest: No way…
Second Priest: Yaweh.

What do you call an unpredictable renegade priest who plays by his own rules?
A loose canon.

What does a fish who wants to be a priest major in?

A man goes to his church to ask the priest a question.
“How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?” the man asks.
The priest replies, “You mean, a choir?”
“Uh, okay, I didn’t think that mattered. How much does it cost to acquire a church-singing group?”

What do you call a priest with a Ph.D.?
A indoctrinologist.

What do you call a Priest’s typo?
A cleric error!

Why did the priest giggle?
Mass hysteria!

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A priest walks into a bar
He takes a seat near the bartender and says, “Gimme a shot of whiskey and leave the bottle.”
The Bartender pours him a drink and asks, “Rough day?”
The priest replies, “I had to perform an exorcism this morning. The girl kept screaming profanities, throwing up all over the place, and on several occasions, she actually tried to attack me.”
Bartender says, “Sounds like some of my regulars.”
The Priest continues, “Afterwards, I had to spend the day listening to people confess their sins”
Bartender says, “Sounds like my average night here”
The Priest goes on, “And to top it all off, for the past few weeks, I’ve been getting stalked by a demon. Whether I’m at the church or sleeping in my bed at night, I can feel it watching me. At first, it tried to lead me to temptation, but now it has grown crazy.”
The bartender replies, “Sounds like my ex!”

What kind of artillery does a priest use?
A canon.

A Catholic priest and an IT technician are walking along. “Father,” says the tech. “I’ve been thinking. The Church staff should consider switching over to Open Office. It’s free, so you wouldn’t be giving any more money to Microsoft!”
The priest sighs and shakes his head. “Sorry, but I’m afraid we can’t get rid of Word. It’s been there since the beginning.”

What do you call a priest who always lies?
A pathological friar.

Do you have a funny priest joke? Write down your priest puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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