70 Clean Bible Jokes That Every Christian Will Love

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Jessica Amlee


The Bible, often referred to as the “Good Book,” is the foundational text for Christianity, comprising the Old and New Testaments. With a myriad of stories, parables, and teachings spanning centuries, it’s a source of spiritual guidance, historical account, and moral teachings for billions worldwide. The tales within its pages range from the adventurous journeys of Noah and his ark to the profound teachings of Jesus Christ, providing lessons about faith, endurance, love, and humanity’s relationship with the divine.

Delving into the light-hearted realm of humor, it’s delightful to discover that even the solemn verses of the Bible can be a source of wholesome chuckles. These funny Bible jokes are like hidden treasures amidst scripture, a playful nudge reminding us that spirituality can be paired with a joyous heart. For instance, what do you call it when a sixty-year-old man suddenly starts reading the Bible? Cramming for finals. Such clean jokes, when approached with respect and reverence, allow for a fusion of faith and fun, reminding us that even in holy teachings, there’s room for a hearty laugh.

Funny Bible Jokes

When is the Bible accurate?
When it’s thrown from a short distance.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighth-theist.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Jesus Christ, I’m come here to save you.
(Save me from what?)
From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.

If Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?
The Bible.

Yo mama so old, she preordered the Bible.

Did you hear about the thief who stole a Preacher’s diary and the Bible?
He died. The preacher’s thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Why do old people read the bible so much?
Cramming for finals.

Little Johnny was bored one rainy day, so he picked up the family Bible looking for interesting pictures. Paging through it, something fell out.
Turns out, it was a large oak leaf that had been pressed long ago between the pages. He immediately took it to his parents to proudly announce, “Look what I found in the Bible.”
“Adam’s underwear!”

Why couldn’t Kain make a sacrifice that pleased the Lord?
Because he wasn’t Able.

What kind of a man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, a country where names like Achmed, Mohammed, Abdul, Asif, and Youssouf are commonplace.
Yet however, he found friends called Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Simon, and Paul who all liked quaffing wine.

“How much would you say you read the Bible?”
“Well, I don’t read it religiously.”

What is a spy’s least favorite bible book?
Dude-they’re-on-to-me (Deuteronomy).

Recommended: Adult Bible Jokes

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Noah who?)
I Noah guy if you need an Ark!

Yo mama so old, she has Jesus’s signature on her Bible.

What’s a punk rocker’s favorite Bible verse?
Psalm 41.

What do you call a Holy Bible with pages missing?
A Partly Bible.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
The father responded, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Did you hear about the book that compares the different versions of the Bible?
There was a lot of cross referencing.

Who was the smartest man in the bible?
Abraham. Because He knew a Lot.

Yo mama so stupid, she brought a bible to a True Religion store.

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and win eternal life.”
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

Recommended: Jesus Jokes

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning.
The husband says, “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
The wife replies, “That’s your job.”
The Husband asks, “Says who?”
The wife replied, “The Bible, it’s on just about every page.”
The husband says, “The bible doesn’t say anything about brewing coffee.”
The wife (holding her Bible flipping pages) says, “See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews.”

How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?
Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME.

Arkansas is the only US state mentioned in the Bible.
“Noah walked out onto the ark and saw….”

Yo mama so old, the Bible makes her nostalgic.

Why does Ruth dislike Joshua?
Because Joshua judges Ruth.

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, “What are you doing?”
The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, “Looking for a loophole.”

Why do writers hate the bible?
It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

What did Jesus say to the folks who refused to read the Bible?
“You win psalm, you lose psalm.”

Recommended: Catholic Jokes

Why did St. Peter deny Christ?
He cured his mother in law.

A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b.”
“I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner.
“I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.
“O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, “Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money.”
The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”
“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”

What’s the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?
A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

Who was the most successful Obstetrician (OBGYN) in the Bible?
Moses, because he delivered all the children of Israel.

Which apostle was working with the CDC?
Paul, because he was working to Damascus

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible.
One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.
The other one was the pharaoh’s daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?
It doesn’t have any answers.

Did you know The Big Lebowski is based off a book from the Bible?

God tells Adam that He can create a loyal, faithful, loving, and supportive partner.. but it will cost him an arm and a leg.
Adam thinks for a while and then says, “An arm and a leg seems like a lot. What can I get for a rib?”

Recommended: Church Jokes

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
“I have an idea,” said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
“Well how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

Why doesn’t the bible have an ‘about the author’?
It was written by a holy-ghostwriter.

What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.

Who’s the shortest man in the Bible?
Bildad the Shuhite.

A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class.
Her teacher asked her, “What’s that?”
“It’s Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible,” she replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her, “You know that didn’t really happen.”
She kept drawing, “When I get to heaven I’ll just ask Jonah.”
“What if he’s not in heaven?” The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing replied, “Then you ask him!”

Did you know Joseph from the bible played tennis?
He served in the courts of Pharaoh.

An orangutan at the zoo was reading two books: The Bible and Darwin’s The Origin of Species.
He was trying to figure out whether he was his brother’s keeper or his keeper’s brother.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in.
What the bible does not mention is that Joseph’s tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.
Naturally, Joseph’s friends were very surprised. “Joseph,” they said, “Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?”
“Why not?” replied Joseph. “He only needed it for the weekend.”

Recommended: Funny Priest Jokes

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
When god presented Moses with two tablets.

Did you know the biblical apostles carpooled around in a Honda?
The Bible says they were of one Accord.

It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin but there was no trace of the main preacher.
A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop’s room. “What shall I do, bishop? They’re asking me to give a sermon and I don’t have anything prepared!”
“Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord.” said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the priest left and looked around for inspiration in the bishop’s Bible
In there, he found card notes for a sermon and, praising the Lord, went ahead and gave the sermon with the notes.
Everyone loved his sermon and came to praise him after the service was over. Just then, the Bishop comes storming over and says, “Young man, you’ve used my cards that I was going to use for my service tonight! And what do you expect me to do now?”
The young priest replied, “Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord.”

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?
Eve. She made Adam’s hotdog stand.

What book has the most holes?
The bible. it’s the holiest book.

Jeremiah 4:19 “My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.”
When you find out the hard way that you’re lactose intolerant.

Did you hear the Words from the Mathematician’s Bible?
And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said “Go forth and multiply!”
The snakes came up to him and said “Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders.”
“Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them”, said the Lord, “for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply!”

Who’s the best basketball player in the Bible?
Peter because he denied Jesus three times!

Recommended: Clean Mormon Jokes

What do you call food that preaches the Bible?
Billy Graham cracker.

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.
The collector’s friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.
“You don’t mean Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You fool! You’ve thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousands of dollars!”
“Oh, I doubt this book would be worth even nearly as much. Some dude named Martin Luther scribbled all over the margins.”

Who is the biggest sinner in the bible?
Moses, he broke all the commandments at once.

Why did the pastor put butter in his bible?
So he could spread the word.

A man was really struggling so he decided to open a Bible to a random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.
The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “then Judas hanged himself”
The man thought, “That’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise.’”
Again the man thought it wasn’t right so he did it one last time and landed on John 13:37 “Whatever you are about to do, do it quickly.”

Who was the strongest person in the Bible?
Jesus, he did CrossFit.

Who had the best connections in the Bible?
Haggai’s brother, because he knew Haggai.

If you read the bible backwards it is about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.
He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end, he’s lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

Recommended: Clean Nun Jokes

What’s the first reference to soccer in the bible?
“And then Jesus went up for the cross.”

Jesus was addressing the crowd in regard to the adulterous woman.
Jesus said, “Let they who is without sin throw the first stone.” Then, all of a sudden a rock comes flying. Jesus says, “Hahaha, very funny mom.”

In the Bible, what’s the difference between Eve and David?
One bites a fruit, the other fights a brute.

Do you have a funny Bible joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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