In the midst of the grit and grind that comes with life in the military, there’s an undercurrent of humor that only those who have donned the uniform can truly appreciate. Our collection of army jokes peels back the camouflage, bringing that humor front and center in a way that’s sure to resonate with anyone who’s spent time in the barracks.
From the banter in the Soldiers’ Club to the practical jokes that help pass the time on deployment, these jokes capture the unique, shared experiences of service members. So, whether you’re an active duty soldier, a proud veteran, or simply a civilian with a soft spot for military humor, get ready to laugh, chuckle, and maybe even snort at these hilarious, army-themed jests that highlight the lighter side of serving your country.
Best Army Jokes
What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?
Left, left, left, right, left.
What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?
He became an army man.
What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?
Kernel.
Yo mama so fat, when she joined the army one size didn’t fit all.
Why doesn’t the army have anyone named Will?
They were all fired at. (Fire at will)
A man walks into an army base and kills a lieutenant, a private, and two generals.
There were no Major casualties.
What do you call an army of babies?
An infantry.
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?
An army.
What’s the best way to serve Turkey?
Join the Turkish Army.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Tank.
(Tank who?)
You’re welcome!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Why does no one like the Swiss army?
Because they are all a bunch of tools.
Yo mama so fat, the army uses her old dresses for parachutes.
Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Why did the Alphabet Army lose the war?
They just didn’t have the numbers.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer, “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?” Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”
What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?
A seasoned veteran.
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Why does the French army surrender so quickly?
They have nothing Toulouse.
What was Elvis assigned to do when he joined the army?
To look for Suspicious Mines.
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat.
King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege.
King: Ok, round them up!
Squire: 400 my liege!
What would Baby Groot be if he joined the Army?
An infant Tree-Man.
Did you hear about Timmy’s grandfather who was a baker in the army?
He went in all buns glazing.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who joined the army?
He wanted a pizza the action.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in the Army.
The interviewer said, “We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?”
The man said, “No Sir; but can my Wife apply?”
What’s worse than an army recruit?
An armless one!
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What do you call a really hairy guy who is new to the army?
A wookie.
What’s an Army general’s favorite day of the year?
March Fourth!
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
Did you hear about the man who is a 4-star General in the army?
That means he has mostly favorable reviews on TripAdvisor.
Why isn’t the army recruiting bakers?
They’re always desserting.
What do you call a recruit to the French army?
Maguette.
A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.
“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”
“I was told there was.”
“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”
“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”
“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”
The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”
Old Macdonald’s son decided to join the army instead of farming.
He is now E.I. G.I.Joe.
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Why was Cain afraid of the army recruiter?
Because they were looking for an able bodied man.
Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.
A boy asks his dad about his past.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Yes, son?”
“Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in Dad’s eyes, and he quietly replies, “No, but I was shot in the leggy.”
Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?
To minimise casual tees.
Why does no one like upsetting the droid army?
it would be a grievous offense.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
What is an Army Sargent’s favorite power tool?
A Drill.
Why did the jacket win the war against the vest?
The jacket had armies.
A grenade struck a young Army officer in the head, but the only noticeable, permanent injury was that both of his ears were removed.
He stayed in the Army since his remaining hearing was adequate. He eventually climbed to the rank of Major General after many years of service.
He was, nevertheless, quite self-conscious about his appearance. The General was interviewing three servicemen for his headquarters staff one day.
The first was a terrific interview with an Air Force Squadron Leader pilot. The General questioned him at the end of the interview, “Do you detect anything different about me?” “Why, absolutely, Sir, I couldn’t help but observe that you have no ears,” replied the young officer. Because of his lack of tact, the general threw him out.
The second interview was with a Naval Lieutenant Commander, who was much better than the first. The General then questioned him again, “Do you detect anything different about me?” He responded meekly, “Well, sir, you have no ears.” The General also threw him out.
The third interview was with an Infantryman and a commando qualified Major.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise, the Major said, “Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.”
The General was very impressed and thought, “What an incredibly observant officer and he didn’t mention my ears.”
He asked, “Major, how do you know I wear contacts?” “Well, sir,” the officer replied, “It’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fg ears.”
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Why did the cow army surrender?
They had low moorale.
How does the army know who to punish for mistakes?
Because it is General Lee his fault.
A telecoms engineer joins the army.
On the shooting range, the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back, “You haven’t hit it at all!”
The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off, and shouts back, “It’s leaving here ok, the problem must be at your end!”
Who is the most secretive member of the army?
Private Browsing.
Why conditioning for the army is pointless?
They cut off all your hair on day one.
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private, and asks, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir,” replies the man.
“What treatment are you getting?” “Five minutes with the wire brush, each day.” “What’s your ambition?” “To get back to the front, Sir.” “Good man”, says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?” “Chronic piles, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?” “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.” “What’s your ambition?” “To get back to the front, Sir.” “Good man.” says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?” “Chronic gum disease, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?” “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.” “What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”
Did you hear about the foot army?
It was the league of leg ends.
What is the army cook’s favorite tea?
Camo-meal.
Santa decides it’s time to put his 364 days worth of downtime to use, so he travels to Warsaw to join the Army.
The recruiter says, “Sir, only natives of this country can join the military.”
Santa replies, “I understand, and I meet the requirements.”
“How so?” queries the Recruiter.
Santa smiles and says, “Isn’t it obvious I am North Pole-ish?”
What does a duck wear in the army?
AFLACK Jacket.
What’s the motto of the Greek army?
Never leave your buddy’s behind.
One day, a woman was in some distress when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said, “Excuse me, can you help me, I’ve locked myself out!”
“Sure,” he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. “Wow,” said the woman, “how did you do that?”
He replies, “These are my khakis.”
What was the army electrician charged with?
Improper conduct.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambmarine!
Three troops are on board an army jet that has crashed.
Each throws out one item to lighten the weight. The first fires an artillery round, the second fires a machine gun, and the third fires a radio. But it’s no good, as the plane continues to crash, forcing the three troops to jump out and parachute to safety.
When they land, they begin going back to base along the road. They come to a house with a tiny boy screaming outside. They ask why he’s crying, and he says, “I was playing in my garden when a radio hit me on the head.” The troops giggle awkwardly and continue on their way.
They come across another house that has a weeping boy outside. They ask him why he’s crying, and he says, “I was playing in my garden when a machine gun hit me in the foot.” Before going on, the troops exchange apprehensive glances.
Finally, they come across a boy absolutely dying of laughter, rolling around on the floor. They ask him what’s so funny and, after several seconds of trying to regain his composure he tells them “I farted and my house blew up!”
What do you call an army veteran with long hair in the morning?
Major Bedhead.
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What do you call an army of retards?
Special forces.
Two army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.
FNG 1: How was your first jump today?
FNG 2: Well… I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn’t do it. The JM said if I don’t jump then he would fuck me in the ass.
FNG 1: Did you Jump?
FNG 2: A little, at first.
What do you call a fat baby?
Heavy infantry.
What do you call it when one artillery projectile eats another of the same type?
Cannonballism.
A boy from the backcountry was drafted into the Army.
On the first day, they issued him a comb. Later that day, the barber shaved his head.
The next day, they issued him a toothbrush. Later that day, the dentist pulled three of his teeth.
The next day, they issued him a jockstrap.
He has been AWOL ever since.
How is an accordion like an artillery shell?
Once you hear it, it’s already too late.
What do you get when you cross a bovine with artillery?
A cowitzer.
Three pals are drafted and must join the army: a turtle, a mole, and a bear.
But because none of them wants to go, they must show medical evidence as to why they are unable to join in.
“It’s simple for me,” the turtle says. “I am slow.” He enters the test room, and as he exits, he cheerfully informs his companion that he is, in fact, too slow.
“Well,” the mole continues, “I am literally blind. How do they want me?” And he’s correct. He emerges a few minutes later, hugging his friends and telling them that he doesn’t have to join the army because they don’t need a blind mole.
“Ok guys”, says the bear terrified. “Let’s face it. I am one of the biggest and most dangerous animals. I am the perfect soldier.” “I have an idea”, says the turtle slowly, “the most dangerous part of you is your teeth. Without your teeth, you are not really dangerous. So if we just smash your teeth they won’t want you!” Reluctantly the bear agrees and the three friends start smashing the bear’s teeth.
Without teeth, the bear enters the examination room and after 10 minutes comes out again with a hanging head and sad face. “So, you have to join the army?”, the turtle asks carefully. The bear mumbles, ”No, I’m too fat.”
Why did the army develop a new bulletproof vest for the butt?
Because it’s the best solution to save one’s ass.
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Why did the sperm join the army?
He wanted to be Diploid.
Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
They only had 2 vans.
Why did the Roman Army cross the road?
They were crucifying Jesus.
We know that the spirit of humor in the military is alive and kicking. If you’ve got a joke or a funny story from your time in the service that you’re itching to share, we’d love to hear it. So come on, let’s keep the laughter rolling! Leave your best army joke in the comments below and join the ranks of our humor brigade.
When I was in the Army, I had a sergeant once hand me an axe and he said “See this rope?” I said that I did, indeed, see the rope. He said “good, when I nod my head, I want you to hit it with the axe.” he nodded his head and I did as I had been ordered to do.
And to this day I STILL don’t know why he pointed out the rope…..