In the high-intensity world of the military, sometimes the best armor is a sense of humor. That’s why we’ve assembled this collection of dirty military jokes, perfect for those of you with a taste for cheeky humor and respect for the service.
From the banter in the barracks to the jesting on the front line, these jokes capture the lighter side of military life. Whether you’re a young soldier looking for a laugh after a long day, a civilian with a penchant for adult humor, or just someone who appreciates a good, edgy joke, this is the place for you. Buckle up, and prepare to laugh because some of these inappropriate jokes are as daring as a nighttime parachute jump!
Adult Military Jokes
What if gay men were allowed in the army?
Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter because it wouldn’t take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
What’s the difference between the old army and the new army?
In the old army, they were blown out of the Fox hole.
How can you tell if someone was in the military?
Give them 5 minutes and they’ll tell you themselves.
What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?
Why does the military not hire infertile snipers?
They only shoot blanks.
Why can’t a soldier look wistfully at the ocean?
Because there’s no Gaze in the military.
What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?
Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?
So he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.
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After retirement, an army colonel married a young 25-year-old woman.
Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I’m eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I’m away.”
His friends advised him ‘Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.’
The colonel promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.
Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
The colonel replied, “She is not lonely at all, she is very happy and in fact she is pregnant.”
The friends laughed, as they expected this. And how is the tenant?” they asked.
The colonel replied very soberly, “She is pregnant too!”
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
What does a military man do while making love?
He tactically inserts his unit.
Why do cannibals hate eating military men?
Every once in a while they get a colonel stuck in their teeth.
What did the military-grade laxative say when he entered the bowels?
“I’ve come to relieve you of your duty.”
Have you heard about military barbers?
They shave their privates!
What’s the similarity between military and Street Gangs?
They’re always recruiting high schoolers.
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The military is downsizing and has decided to fire three generals. One each from the Army, Air Force, and Marine Corps.
Because they are all old, grizzled men who have seen their fair share of combat, the Pentagon devises a one-of-a-kind bonus scheme to compensate them for their service. They can choose two locations on their body and receive $10,000 for every inch between them.
The Army general was first. With his arms spread wide, he elected to measure between the tips of his middle fingers. The Air Force chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet as the second option. The Marine General then arrived.
“I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls.”
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.
“I am being serious. Now start measuring.”
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm.
“Sir! Where are your balls?!?”
Why being in the military is like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Why does the female military use camo dildos?
So no one can see them cuming.
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
“Thank you for your cervix.”
Why does the military recruit orphans?
Because homing missiles don’t target them.
A soldier hurriedly walked towards a nun. “Please, may I hide under your skirt?” he pleaded, out of breath. I’ll elaborate later.”
The nun nodded.
A few moments later, two Military Police officers approached and inquired, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun said, “He went that way.” The military officers ran away in the same direction.
“I can’t thank you enough, sister,” the soldier slipped out from under her skirt when the MPs had fled. I don’t want to go to Iraq, you see.”
“I completely understand,” the nun answered.
“I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” the soldier added.
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
What are the two biggest fears of the Russian military?
That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.
Why did the entire US military decide to bomb water?
Because they finally found the black sea.
Why can’t gay people be in the military?
Because they can’t shoot straight.
What do a teenage girl and a military operation have in common?
If plan B fails they abort.
An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a campfire.
The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says “You guys aren’t so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight.”
The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, “That’s nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight.”
The SEAL is unimpressed, he says “That’s nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands.” Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he’s dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.
What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.
What do you call the military of a country run by disabled people?
What is a good reason for women to serve in the military?
They can bleed for a week without dying.
Why do fallen veterans get a day and gay people get a full month?
Being gay is a bigger tragedy.
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, “Would you enjoy my company for $100?”
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, “Of course, I would be glad!”
Captain replies, “COMPANY! FORWARD!”
What do you call American High school graduates?
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party.
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now?
General: (Looks at his watch) No, I’m cool. It’s only 2030.
What do you get when you pour salt and pepper on a homeless person?
A seasoned veteran.
What do you call a Lesbian army?
What do you call stories by war veterans?
There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
Guts is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum, and having the “Balls” to say, “You’re next, Chubby.”
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
Why did the male stripper join the navy?
Because the Marines don’t take semen.
What does the navy fire at children?
What do you call a group of men whose wives are cheating on them?
What do you call an army of 6 gay men?
Rainbow 6 siege.
Grandma gets a package from grandson who’s in the army.
The package contained a grenade and a letter. The letter said, “Dear grandma, if you just pull the pin, I get 3 days off.”
Where do oranges train for the army?
In a concentration camp.
A group of bored military men begin debating whether sex is labor or play.
The lieutenant goes first and says, “I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.”
Then captain responded by saying, “No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.”
Finally, the major says, “No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work.”
Why did the pornstar get discharged from the army?
During combat she got cumshots.
What do you call a homeless shelter for Veterans?
Why doesn’t Mexico have a navy?
Cause cardboard doesn’t float.
Why do Marines go to battle before the Navy?
Because they like seamen in the rear!
They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion.
The major says, “Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?”
The private says, “Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
Why did the US army attack the number 10?
Because it was the centre of 9/11.
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Did you hear about those sporadic Marine Biologist sex parties?
They come in waves.
How do schizophrenic veterans chew their food?
Did you hear that China has now banned any military personnel to use Apple watches due to security reasons?
One soldier says with tears in his eyes, “But but my daughter made it for me.”
Do you have another dirty military joke? Post your own military jokes in the comment section below.
What do you call a military police unit that specializes in the stoppage of marijuana sale?
A JOINT taskforce!