Life on the open sea can be a demanding endeavor. As a beacon of camaraderie and light-heartedness in the often strenuous routine of the Navy, humor sails high on the mast. Our collection of navy jokes encompasses the shared experiences of sailors, from the thrill of the high seas to the camaraderie in the mess hall.
These naval force jokes, filled with nautical puns and seafaring one-liners, offer a moment of mirth amid the disciplined life at sea. They’re not just jokes; they’re a testament to the resilience of sailors who maintain a sense of humor in the face of the ocean’s challenges. So, whether you’re a seasoned sailor or a green recruit, these jokes are a salute to your spirit, a nod to your courage, and a cheer to your good humor. Come, let’s ride this wave of laughter together!
Best Navy Jokes
Did you hear about Timmy, who lost a gun and was charged $85 by the army?
That’s why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?
They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Admiral.
(Admiral who?)
Admiral aboard, ready for a sea of laughter!
What did the ugliest girl in the world tell the second ugliest girl in the world?
“Good morning ship mate.”
Do you know that the Navy is beginning to recruit blind men?
They are sending them out to sea.
Yo mama so fat, she works as an aircraft carrier in the Navy.
Did you hear about the young man who was going to join the Navy purely out of spite?
He is longing to become a Petty Officer.
Have you heard that the Navy separates men from boys?
Turns out they use a crowbar.
A Navy recruiter asks a man “Do you know how to swim?”
The man replies, “Why? Have you run out of ships?”
Isn’t it politically incorrect to refer to someone as gay?
The preferred term is “Navy enlisted personnel.”
An Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked about the origin of commissioned officer insignia. “Well,” said the Chief, “the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. We gave you a gold bar representing that you are valuable, but also malleable. When you make Lieutenant, your value doubles. As a Captain, you soar above the military masses, hence the Eagle. As an Admiral, you are obviously a star. Does that answer your question?”
“Yes, Chief, but what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?”
The Chief answered, “That, sir, goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Where we learned to cover our pricks with leaves.”
Why don’t the Jedi have a navy?
Because sailing is a path to the dockside.
What grades do you need to join the Navy?
7 C’s.
Why does the admiral of the navy put a destroyer everywhere his girlfriend hikes?
He warships the ground she walks on.
What do you call a dog who joins the Navy?
A subwoofer.
A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The army general says, “Alright, I’ll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!”
The private reports as ordered, “Yes sir?”
The general says, “See that man over there? Kill him!”
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, “See? That man has balls!”
The marine general says, “That’s nothing. Private, get over here!”
The marine private reports, “Yes, sir?”.
The marine general says, “See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.”
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, “See? Now that man has balls!”
The admiral says, “That’s nothing.”
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, “Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!”
The seaman answers, “Excuse me, sir?”
The admiral repeats, “JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!”
The seaman replies, “Fuck you, sir!”
The admiral says, “See? That man has balls and he’s got brains too!”
How does a Navy Captain convince his sailors to stop pissing off the back of the boat?
He gives them a stern talking to.
What’s a pirate’s favorite school subject?
Arrrrrrrrt.
What’s a pirate’s favorite body part?
The arrrrrm.
What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot.
Recommended: Military Jokes
Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?
He has a feliz navy dad.
What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?
A navi-gator.
What is a cool job that sounds lame?
Building ships for the navy. You’d be a subcontractor.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied.
“What would you do if another storm sprang up after?”
“Throw out another anchor, sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain.
“Throw out another anchor, sir.”
“Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”
“From the same place, you’re getting your storms, sir.”
What do you call a Navy Seal with a prolapsed rectum?
Bad ass.
What’s a rubber gasket on an aircraft carrier called?
A Navy Seal.
The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do ….”
What do you call a Navy Admiral who gambles, smokes, drinks, and does drugs?
A Vice Admiral.
Recommended: Army Jokes
Why do Navy pilots prefer to be called naval aviators?
Because they don’t want to be called ‘flying seamen.’
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”
The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”
The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”
The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
What do you call a group of gravy boats?
A gravy Navy.
Why is France’s navy one of the best in the world?
Because they have the power of french-ship.
This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat.
His hair’s all green, he’s got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually, the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
“Hey man, didn’t you do anything crazy when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
What was the dark blue sea lion mistaken for?
A Navy Seal.
What do you call a snail in the Navy?
A Snailor.
A woman sees a uniformed man in a bar.
She introduces herself and asks if he likes to drink. He smiles, and replies, “I don’t think you’ve ever met a Royal Navy officer before.”
She buys him a drink and remarks that he probably gets all the girls. He smiles, and replies, “I don’t think you’ve ever met a Royal Navy officer before.”
She has several more with him and asks if he still has the stamina to share a room with her. He smiles, and replies, “I don’t think you’ve ever met a Royal Navy officer before.”
It’s at that moment that another uniformed man comes over. He inquiries as to who the woman is, and is told, “She’s been buying me drinks and flirting with me all night.” The second man laughs, kisses the first passionately, and says, “I don’t think she’s ever met a Royal Navy officer before.”
Recommended: Funny Marine Jokes
What do they call cleaners in the Navy?
Scrubmarines.
What is the only question on the entrance exam to the U.S. Navy?
“Oh say, can you sea?”
A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier.
When he arrives, he finds his wife in bed with another man.
Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.
The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.
“Rose told me everything,” she said. “And there is a perfect explanation for all this.”
“Which is?” He retorted.
“The postal service didn’t deliver your letter,” she replied.
What do you call the standards set by the Japanese Navy?
RealAsianShipGoals.
Where does the Navy stack up amongst the armed forces?
Submarines.
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California…
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, “We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s.”
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there!”
Why is the suicide rate so high for US sailors?
Because they have the Navy blues.
Which breed of dog is most common in the Navy?
The aircraft terrier.
The daughter of a retired navy admiral is set to marry a young naval officer.
The admiral approaches his daughter the night before the wedding.
“You know, I served in the Navy for 40 years, and the guys are fantastic.” But after being at sea for so long, they stumble into some strange situations. I want you to have a happy marriage, but promise me you will refuse if he ever asks you to do it the other way.”
“What do you mean? What’s the other way?”
“Never you mind what it is. Just promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way, you will say no”
“Ok, Dad I promise.”
They hug and prepare for the big day.
The young couple get married and like all newlyweds have a very active sex life. But every day the daughter is getting ever more curious about what “the other way” is.
After a year, she turns to her husband and says, “Honey. For our first anniversary, I was hoping we could try something different. Could we do it the other way?”
Her husband looks shocked and yells, “What? And risk you getting pregnant?”
What does NAVY stand for?
Never Again Volunteer Yourself.
What button does the Naval admiral press to launch the submarine torpedo?
The belly button.
Why don’t naval shipyards have to pay taxes?
Because they are places of warship.
A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
He says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Navy man smirks, taps his watch, and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”
How do you sink the Polish navy?
Put it in water
Recommended: Polish Jokes
What’s a naval captain’s least favorite door on his ship?
The commode door.
An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, “I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, “That’s very unhygienic!”
The Chief shrugs and replies, “Well If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.”
Why do Navy SEALs fall backwards off of their boats?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be on the boat!
Yo mama so dumb, she thought the Naval Academy was a school for belly buttons.
What do you get when you cross a sheep, a warship, and a father?
A fleece navy dad.
What is a naval destroyer?
A hula hoop with a nail in it.
After months at sea, the crew of a US naval warship returned home. To commemorate the occasion, the captain of the ship prepared a formal ball, and the entire crew attended in their uniforms. The big band was playing, and the sailors were hitting the bar hard while admiring the Captain’s lovely wife, who was sitting at the top table with the captain himself.
“I’m going to ask the captain’s wife to dance with me!” exclaimed one of the inebriated sailors. The other sailors chuckled as he strutted down to the captain’s table. “Hey Capin, may I dance with your wife?” says Sailor. The captain, who had been drinking, nodded his approval.
The other sailors were stunned as they watched their lowly shipmate and the captain’s wife engage in a leisurely dance. After being at sea for several months, the sailor was overjoyed to be dancing with this lovely lady.
After a few minutes of dancing the captain’s wife speaks up and says, “My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?” The sailor speaks into her ear and says, ” I have a hard-on, but I didn’t think you could smell it.”
Why are naval officers afraid of hookers?
Cause they swallow seamen.
Recommended: Dirty Military Jokes
Why doesn’t Mexico have a Navy?
Because cardboard doesn’t float.
What types of torpedos do the middle eastern navy’s use?
Back packs.
Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
An Admiral and a grizzled old Master Chief are at the base barbershop.
“No cologne for me” jokes the Admiral, “my wife would think I’ve been to a brothel.”
The Master Chief says to his barber, “I’ll take a splash, my wife doesn’t know what a brothel smells like.”
Why do marines shave their heads?
It’s easier to pull back the foreskin that way.
A Navy captain told his men no masturbation. He left and came back and there was semen everywhere. He says, “I thought I said no masturbation.”
Suddenly, a man stands up and says, “Nobody masturbated, I just farted.”
What’s the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?
She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
What happened to the Navy soldier who got caught masturbating?
He was dishonorably discharged for discharging dishonorably.
Have a better Navy joke? Share with us your own puns and one-liners in the comment box below!
What’s the deal with Navy Seals?
I mean, they’re basically just Sub Marines.