Young friends and little ones, get ready to giggle and smile as we share a collection of clean church jokes that are perfect for you! Our faith can be full of joy and laughter, and these wholesome jokes are a great way to celebrate that. Not only are these jokes entertaining, but they’re also perfect to share with your friends at church, Sunday school, or youth group gatherings.
So, let your youthful spirits soar and your laughter ring out as we explore these delightful, faith-inspired jokes that will brighten your day and bring your church community closer together.
Funny Church Jokes
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?
Church.
Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?
They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To take a photo in front of a church.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.
A priest at the door greets her. “Are you all right, my dear?”
“Yes, I’m fine!” she exclaims. “It’s just absolutely pouring rain!”
Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down, as if pouring from an enormous faucet.
“Goodness!” she exclaims. “It’s coming down in buckets now!”
On cue, there is a tremendous clattering sound as plastic buckets full of water start cascading down from the sky, tipping their contents everywhere!
“Wow!” the girl shouts. “Now it’s really raining cats and dogs!”
All at once the buckets stop falling, as cats and dogs begin pelting the ground from above!
“This is the devil’s work!” cries the priest. “Quickly! Pray to the Lord to make this stop!!”
Panicked, the girl falls to her knees and begins to pray.
“Hail Mary, full of AAAAAAUUGGHH!!”
What does a church in Helsinki have in common with Mortal Kombat?
Finnish Hymn!
Why are there so many old people in Church?
They’re cramming for the final.
What church is most in favor of using ladders?
The Ladder Day Saints.
Recommended: Mormon Jokes
What happens when you mess up at ninja church?
The nun chucks you out.
Have you heard about the skunk who went to church?
He had his own pew.
A farmer has been farting a lot.
He’s been to several doctors, but none of them know what’s wrong. Desperate, he reaches out to the local priest.
He says, “Father, I don’t believe in this religious mumbo jumbo, but I’m out of options. My wife is threatening to leave! What can God do for me?”
The pastor says, “My son, you must give everything to God. In doing so, all shall be well.”
So the farmer leaves. Soon, though, he starts coming to church every single day at 6 pm. At first the pastor is pleased. But week by week, his congregation thins.
Within a month, the farmer is the only one left in attendance. Confused, the pastor approaches him and asks, “Well my child, did God help your flatulence issues?”
And the farmer says, “He did father. I used to just fart whenever I needed to. But now, I wait until 6, and give all I’ve got to God!”
What did the duck shout in the church?
“Get to the daily bread!”
What does a wolf sing at church?
Howllelujah!
Why was the grape kicked out of his church?
He was raisin hell.
Can you take an atheist to church?
You can if they’re amenable.
There was a church with a bell that could not be rung.
One day, a boy visited the priest and asked if he may try. He ran into the bell face-first after climbing the tower. The bell rang loudly and clearly. The assignment was given to him by the priest. The child went directly toward the bell with his face one Sunday and missed, so he fell from the tower and died.
“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”
Did you hear about the church that serves noodles at communion?
They are Ramen Catholic.
Recommended: Religious Catholic Jokes
Why couldn’t the cow start a church?
He wasn’t pastorized.
What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby?
Holy Diapers.
A pastor announced, “If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left.”
All the men in the church moved to left, except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, “How come your wife can’t control you?”
The man quietly replied, “It’s my wife who told me not to move.”
Why don’t bees go to church?
Because they are in sects.
What do you call when Biologists go to church?
Biomass.
Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?
It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.
One day, a wife sees her husband watching their wedding video but backwards.
She asks him, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
“I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
What do salads say in church?
“Lettuce pray.”
What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?
Pew! Pew! Pew!
Recommended: Jesus Jokes
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.
The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.
“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
Why do they say “amen” instead of “a woman” at the end of songs at church?
Cause they’re hymns not hers.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
They don’t have any organs.
What book do LGBT people use in church?
The bi-ble.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, “Don’t go into that church you dumb b#tch!”
Her husband asks, “What are you watching?”
The woman answered, “Our wedding video.”
What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?
“Let us spray.”
Why did the two melons have a church wedding?
Because they cantaloupe.
How does the church make holy water?
They take regular tap water, and boil the hell out of it!
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization!
Why is driving by a church so dangerous?
Because there is so much cross traffic.
Recommended: Angel Jokes
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
“Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me, where is this man now?”
“Flat on his ass over by the holy water.”
What do you call a hawk in a church?
A bird of pray.
What do cows yell at the end of a sermon during church?
“Hallemoojah
What do you call someone who falls asleep in church?
A bored-again christian.
What’s the Priest of an insect church?
A Praying Mantis.
A mathematician walks into a church to confess
He says to the priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sined.”
What does a bread pastor say during church?
“All rise, for we knead to pray for our friends. Its the yeast we can for them.”
Bob volunteered to paint the local church. Unfortunately, he only bought one can of paint.
To make it last, he kept adding water to it and it looked progressively worse. The pastor came to inspect and said, “Bob, repaint and thin no more!”
Why are chickens banned from church?
They use foul language.
Why did the church come with an expiration date?
Because it was parishable.
Why are churches so heavy?
They have a lot of mass.
A new Church is set up by a newly ordained minister. He gets a congregation together and realizes that most of his congregants do not know the Bible all that well. So he sets up a Bible Study.
He starts with the basics. That God does not have a form, or name or any manifestation. A woman puts up her hand and goes; “I thought God’s name was Harold.”
The Minister goes, “Harold? Why Harold”
The woman goes, “Isn’t that what we say in the Lord’s prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name?”
What’s the difference between churches and banks?
Both take your money but only one gives it back.
Recommended: Bank Jokes
What do you call a lover who’s left the Catholic church?
A popeless romantic.
Why do vampires refuse to drink the blood of people who have just left the church?
Because it’s cross-contaminated.
Did you hear about that church for battleships, destroyers, and submarines?
It’s a place of warship..
A woman was going to church, but her car unexpectedly broke down, so she called an Uber.
When the Uber arrived she got into the car and, deciding to make small talk, she asked the driver a question, but he didn’t answer.
Curiously, she tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and he let out a blood curdling scream. He jerked the car to the shoulder of the road and the car came to a hard stop as he slammed on the brakes.
They both gasped in shock from what just happened. The woman caught her breath and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that touching you on the shoulder would scare you.”
The driver replied, “It’s not your fault. This is my first time driving an Uber. For the past twenty-five years I’ve been driving hearses.”
Where do square numbers go to church?
The Sixteen Chapel.
How did the new church get built so fast?
There were Mennonite shift
The church wants 10% of my income.
But atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What happens when you have gas at church?
You sit in your own pew.
A bartender walks into the Catholic church around the corner and enters the confessional. The window slides open and the bartender says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 15 years since my last confession.” The priest says, “And how have you sinned my son?”
The bartender says, “I have betrayed the sacred obligation of my craft, which is to listen with an open heart to the woes of others and to offer solace and wise counsel. I have been listening to people’s troubles for so long, I just can’t do it any more, so lately I have been pretending to listen and responding automatically with rote platitudes. I feel so guilty. I don’t know what to do.”
After a long silence, the bartender said, “Father? Are you there?”
“Sorry, what was that again?”
Did you see the verse in the Bible that says women aren’t allowed to make coffee for the church?
It’s in the book of He-brews.
Did you hear that the church is making its own version of The Incredible Hulk?
He’s pretty much the same, but instead of getting angry he gets cross.
What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church?
A visitor.
What’s the difference between the Catholic Church and a clothing iron?
The church only wishes they could burn things until they are straight.
Do you have another funny Church joke? Post your own Church puns in the comment section below.
What’s a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown him with many crowns.
What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.