50 Clean Mormon Jokes You Cannot Share with the Ward

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Jessica Amlee


Mormons, or members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, are probably best known for their friendliness, large families, and a baffling affinity for green Jell-O. They’ve got enough kids to field their own soccer teams and more, church meetings that can double as networking events, and a religious text that wasn’t etched on tablets but rather translated from golden plates. Heck, they even have their own state: Utah, the promised land of picturesque mountains, ski resorts, and fry sauce—a place so perfect, even the salt in the lake is extra.

Now, let’s shimmy over to Mormon jokes, the heavenly manna of humor that spices up Sunday school and adds a little levity to the three-hour church marathon. Yes, you heard that right: three hours. That’s longer than most Marvel movies! With that much time, you need jokes. Ever heard the one about why Mormons can’t participate in tea parties? Because Prohibition never ended for them! Or how about why they can’t play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’re wearing that much white!

These jokes offer a playful glimpse into the culture while revealing that Mormons, despite their sometimes buttoned-up reputation, have a God-given sense of humor. After all, you’d need one to enjoy the same casserole dish at every potluck for the rest of your eternal life.

Funny Mormon Jokes

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.

What do you call a Mormon cheese with no friends?
A provoloner.

Why did Lamanites eat using bowls?
Because Moroni hid the plates.

Knock knock.
Who’s th…

What’s the difference between LSD and LDS?
One you take with a cube of sugar, the other with a grain of salt.

What do you get when you mix LDS and LSD?
A high priest.

Yo mama so mormon, she thought that coffee tables were against the word of wisdom.

Why do you always invite at least two Mormons to go out fishing with you?
If you invite only one, you’ll have to share your beer.

Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon
That they made him a prophet.

Why did the Lamanites have sore knees?
Because of all the Nephites.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Mormon?
No idea but one can’t get him off his/her porch.

What do you call a Mormon climber?
A Ladder Day Saint.

What is a Mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.

Yo mama so Mormon, she thinks the Grateful Dead are the people she did temple work for.

Pope’s assistant rushes into his office and says, “Your Holiness, we’ve had an important phone call, and I have good news and bad news. What will you hear first?” The Pope asks for the good news first.
“Your Holiness, Jesus has returned!”
“That’s wonderful!” the Pope says. “With good news like that, how can there be any bad news?”
“The call came from Salt Lake City.”

Did you hear about the magic pen that God gave Joseph Smith to write the Book of Mormon?
Every time Joe wrote something made up, the pen would leave ink on the page.

Where can you find a Mormon horse?
Salt Lick City.

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don’t know, they keep coming to this house and they aren’t changing anything.

Two Mormons knock on an old Englishman’s door.
The old man opens the door and smiles at the two fine gentlemen dressed in white dress shirts and black ties. They say, “Hello, we’re with the church of Latter-day Saints and we’re here to spread the gospel of God. Do you mind if we come in to speak with you?”
The old man replies with a smile, “Sure! That sounds great, I’ll go make some tea and crumpets. Please, take a seat in the living room.” He goes into the kitchen and comes back after a few minutes with tea and crumpets which he gives to the men.
He sits down and says, “I truly am fascinated by different religions. Now, what is it you fine boys wanted to tell me?” One Mormon nervously looks back at the old man and says, “I don’t fucking know, I’ve never gotten this far before!”

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?
Because they think he will end their Missouri.

Why are Mormons so white?
Because the don’t go out on SUNday.

Yo mama so Mormon, she has a hot chocolate table instead of a coffee table.

What’s a Mormon’s favorite fruit?
Elder berry.

What do you call a law firm for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?
Mormon & Mormon.

A black man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He’s delighted to see her and they embrace.
So they spend the next few weeks frolicking though heaven, meeting the many other residents, and exploring. Then, John notices something weird. Other people seem to see things differently. For instance, his wife sees all the flowers he gives her as roses, her favorites. Or how a new vegan friend commented on how happy he was that there was no meat in heaven, while John had a burger the night before.
John eventually figures out that heaven would shift to suit the individual. Things they like would appear and things they didn’t would appear differently. He shares the hypothesis with his wife, who tells him she’d figured the same thing.
Soon after this discovery, John and his wife are walking and they get separated. He sets off to find her and stumbles upon a massive wall. He tries to find an opening but it’s just a big circle with no entrance. He’s so curious that he decides to scale it. When he gets to the top, John sees what looks to be just another part of heaven. As he’s about to go over, a hand grabs him by the ankle and pulls him back outside the wall.
He turns to his wife, who grabbed him and asks her why.
She shushes him and says, “Don’t do that! The Mormons don’t know anyone else is here!”

What’s the difference between Mormons and Catholics?
The Catholics will actually say hello to each other in the liquor store.

Why are crows black?
Because they refused to eat crickets in the pre-existence.

Yo mama so Mormon, she made you wear long sleeves your entire childhood because she believes T-shirts are against the Word of Wisdom.

What’s the difference between a mormon and a moron?
an m.

Why won’t Mormons legalize weed?
Because they’re worried it’d be a gateway drug to coffee.

Two Mormon missionaries knock on a door.
A blind lady answers the door and upon learning who they are tells them she wants nothing to do with God or religion and proceeds to slam the door in their faces but the door just bounces right back open. Furious that they would stick their feet in the door she yells at them to go away and slams the door even harder. Again it bounces back open.
“We’ll leave you alone ma’am,” says one of the missionaries. “But you might want to let your cat get all the way inside before you slam the door again.”

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer gaslighting.

How do you break up with a missionary from Idaho?
Write him a John Deere letter.

What does it take to fake translate a Native American artifact?
A hat and balls of sold rock.

Did you know there are three states that celebrate the 24th of July?
Missouri because the Mormons left.
Utah because the Mormons arrived.
California because the Mormons stopped in Utah.

What do you get when you quit the Mormon church?
A 10 percent raise and Sundays off!

What’s the difference between mormons and non mormons?
The temperature of their caffeine.

Recommended: Bible Jokes

How are Mormons like cow manure?
Spread them out and mix them in and they do good. Put too many of them in one place and it starts to stink really bad.

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Mormon Bishop are talking together about their various congregations… The Rabbi says, “Members of my synagogue respect me so much, they call me Teacher”… The Priest says, “My parishioners respect me so much, they call me Father”… The Mormon Bishop says, “Yeah, you think that’s something?? My ward members think I am Jesus Christ!!”
So, the 3 of them go to a Jewish home and knock on the door… The Jewish family opens the door and says, “Oh, Teacher, please come in!!”… Then they go to the Catholic home and knock on the door… The Catholic family opens the door and says, “Oh, Father, please come in”…
Then they go to the Mormon home and knock on the door… The Mormon family answers the door and says, Oh, Jesus Christ!! Are you here again!?!?”

Why do Mormons lock their cars?
So no member can dump their extra zucchini in them.

How many Mormons to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to say opening prayer, one to change the light bulb, one to say closing prayer, one to bring refreshments.

A kindergarten teacher asks their students to bring something for show and tell to represent their religion.
A Catholic student brings a cross, a Jewish student brings a star of David.
And a Mormon student brings in a casserole.

What do you get when you cross a Mormon and a kleptomaniac?
A basement full of stolen food.

Why couldn’t Lehi eat dinner?
Because Nephi took the plates.

An elderly Latter-Day Saint asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

Recommended: Dirty Mormon Jokes

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

The main difference between the Elder’s Quorum and the Relief Society?
A teacher in the Relief Society will apologize for not preparing a centerpiece for the lesson. A teacher in the Elder’s Quorum will apologize for not preparing the lesson.

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 who got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

Do you have a funny Mormon joke? Write down your own Mormon puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

2 thoughts on “50 Clean Mormon Jokes You Cannot Share with the Ward”

  1. Back in the 80:s I was playing DnD with my friends. There was a sudden knock on the door.
    I opened it hesitantly. Outside was a creature from a twisted world. With a screach it sounded: ”Have you heard of the teachings of Joseph Smith?”. It was the Dema-Mormon.


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