Dhanteras marks the auspicious kickoff of the five-day Diwali festival, lighting up the Hindu calendar with a glittering invitation to prosperity. It’s the day when homes across India and beyond are abuzz with the clinking of new utensils and the shimmer of gold, as buying metal is said to beckon fortune’s favour. This is the time when the economy gets a sparkling boost and even the most budget-conscious find themselves in the thrall of the market’s siren song, all under the watchful eyes of Goddess Lakshmi, who’s known for her impeccable timing in matters of wealth and well-being.
But just like that gold coin that rolls under the sofa, Dhanteras humour is a hidden gem waiting to be discovered. Imagine the comedic gold mine in the annual family debate over which utensil is missing from the grand kitchen armoury this year or the strategic planning that goes into outmanoeuvring the nosy neighbour in the gold jewellery store. Picture the whimsical bargaining that unfolds over festive deals, where haggling skills are polished until they shine brighter than the merchandise. And let’s not forget about the light-hearted jabs at the expense of that one relative who turns Dhanteras into a personal challenge to single-handedly boost the economy. In the spirit of Dhanteras, the jokes are not just about inviting wealth, but about the rich tapestry of family dynamics and market escapades that accompany this golden gala.
Best Dhanteras Jokes
On Dhanteras, Pappu’s father said that wealth is relative.
Pappu replied, “The wealthier you are, the more relatives you will get.”
Why do the Irish do not celebrate Dhanteras?
Because their capital is always Dublin.
Did you hear about Bappi Lahiri?
He was not born. His parents bought him on Dhanteras.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Cash.
(Cash who?)
No thank you, but I don’t mind some peanuts!
Why are fish fond of money and wealth?
Because they are super-FISH-al.
Why does it rain money on Dhanteras?
Because there’s change in the weather.
A young Indian man was sad.
On Dhanteras he prayed to god and goddesses, “Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.”
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A married and a divorced Indian man were arguing on the streets.
The married one shouted, “Money can’t buy you happiness!”
The divorced replied, “You obviously have never paid for a divorce.”
A photographer asked goddess Lakshmi, “What’s the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?”
The goddess replied, “By selling your camera.”
Dhanteras is here. Most people will buy utensils, jewelry, vehicles, electronics, etc.
Meanwhile, our political parties will be buying MLAs in various states.
Yo mama so fat and rich, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth on Dhanteras.
A homeless Indian man asked a rich fella for money.
The rich Indian had Rs. 2000 in his pocket and he didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol, especially during the festival of Diwali.
So he gave it to the homeless man.
Where does 007 invest his money on Dhanteras?
Bonds. Indian Stocks and bonds.
Have you heard about the SBI ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawls.
Goddess Lakshmi appears in a puff of smoke to a man on the eve of Dhanteras.
She says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom!”
“Wisdom is yours,” says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, “I should have taken the money.”
Who has more money than God?
His Ex-Wife.
What’s the difference between people who pray in temples and those who pray in casinos during Diwali?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
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A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with the god Kuber.
So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed every day, and then after many many years, god appeared before him. Lord Kuber said, “I’m pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I’ll grant your wish.
The Hermit said, “Okay, but what took you so long, I have been praying for a very long time now. Lord Kuber replied, “The time in heaven works differently, it may have been two decades for you but for me, it was just a single second.”
The Hermit begins his wish, “ Okay then, I wish for a kingdom, a wonderful wife, and lots of wealth.”
Lord Kuber looks thoughtful for a moment and then says, “Darn! I forgot my wish-granting wand, be back in a minute.”
If money is the root of all evil.
Why do temples ask for it?
What do you call an Orange who cleans your house in 60 seconds for Diwali?
Minute Maid.
An illiterate man did a lot of prayers and poojas but to no avail.
So Finally the man signs a deal with the devil. The devil appeared to the man one day and said “If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart’s desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes” The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, money, women, and booze. He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him. “Time’s up, your soul, now, as per our deal!”
The man looked at him blankly and said, “All right” He pulled out a sharp blade, bent over, and reached toward his shoes.
What is an Indian’s best song on Dhanteras?
“Sona Kitna Sona Hai!”
Do you know that there are dhan and tears both in Dhanteras?
Dhan for wife and tears for husband.
A Gujarati having no children, no money, no home, and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God for improving his lifestyle.
God is very pleased with his prayer and grants him one wish on Dhanteras. Just one!
The Gujarati says, “OK God. Thanks. My one and only wish is: ‘I want my mother to see my wife putting Rs. 20 million worth of diamonds around on my child’s neck, in my Mercedes Benz parked near the swimming pool of our new 5-acre bungalow in Beverly Hills.’”
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Friends: Dhanteras hai…kuch lia ki nahi?
Pappu: Liya na.. 10 lakh ki cheez li hai.
Friend: Kya?
Pappu: Loan.
How do you know that there is God?
Salary getting credited on Dhanteras.
An Indian Politician wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank on the eve of Dhanteras.
“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.
The politician whispers, “Three million.”
“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace!”
What’s the fastest way to make money?
Work at the mint, they pay you.
A poor man decides to write a letter to Lord Kubera, asking for some money on Dhanteras.
In the letter, he writes that he works very hard but can never make enough. He pleads to God that even Rs. 10,000 would make him extremely happy.
The next day he goes to the post office of India Post, hands in his letter, and leaves with high hopes. The person sorting all the mail notices the envelope addressed to Lord Kubera. Confused, he stamps the letter to be returned to the poor man’s house.
Later that week, as the mailman comes to the poor man’s house to deliver his mail, he also notices the letter addressed to Lord Kubera. The mailman reads the letter and feels bad for the poor man, so he along with his mates decides to get Rs. 5000 out of their wallet and put it in the envelope. He puts the envelope in the poor man’s mailbox and continues on with his day, feeling great for helping a man in need.
The next week, when the mailman reaches the poor man’s house again, he notices yet another letter from the poor man to Lord Kubera. He opens the envelope and reads the letter:
“Dear Lord Kubera, Thank you so much for the money you sent me last week, but you should know that my thieving mailman stole half of what you had sent me!”
What’s the best advice for Dhanteras?
Money can’t buy happiness but it can sure buy antidepressants.
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Why did the banker quit his job on Diwali?
He lost interest.
Do you have a funny Dhanteras joke? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!
I asked Lord Kuber for money
I later found out that God doesn’t work that way. So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.