The festival of lights has arrived, and so have the jokes. You’ve been preoccupied with Diwali ki safai, worried about your Diwali bonus, and playing soan papdi’s passing the parcel. So let’s remind you that in 2023, Diwali falls on November 12 ie., a Sunday.
Deepavali, or the festival of lights, is all about fun and enjoyment, from colorful illuminations to mouthwatering foods and yearly reunions. However, planning for one of India’s largest celebrations is not easy, is it? And, as the excitement rises, you must be cleaning, painting, and decorating your homes which can be pretty frantic.
From Dhanteras, which marks the beginning of the festival, to Bhai Dooj, which is celebrated two days after Diwali, we have jokes for every occasion.
Funny Diwali Jokes
What do you get when you cross Diwali and Halloween?
Bamboo!
A teacher asked the students to write an essay on Dhanteras. Before they begin, he asked them a few questions.
Teacher: If you are offered wealth and wisdom what will you choose?
Student: Wealth.
Teacher: No. That’s a bad answer. I will choose wisdom.
Student: That’s ok sir. We have to choose what we don’t have.
Why doesn’t Fire like Deepawali?
Because Fire works on the 12th November 2023.
Did you hear about the two kids Delhi police arrested on Diwali?
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
Do you know which chore sucks the most during Diwali?
Vacuuming.
Why is Anaar so cool?
It’s cause they’re lit.
Remember when the Holika wasn’t lit yet?
Those were dark times.
Santa: What is Bruce Lee’s favorite festival?
Banta: Don’t know.
Santa: Diwa Lee.
Santa: What does Bruce Lee have outside his home during Diwali?
Banta again didn’t know the answer.
Santa: Rango Lee.
Did you hear that Phuljhari has been really popular in 2022?
Sales have skyrocketed.
Recommended: Dhanteras Jokes
Before Diwali, what did the broom say to the vacuum?
“I’m so tired of people pushing us around.”
Why doesn’t Fire celebrate Diwali?
Because Fire works on Diwali.
What did the lightning say to Ladis?
“Hey! You stole my thunder.”
Mom: Kam se kam naha le. It’s Diwali today.
The kid sprinkles a few drops of water on ownself.
Mom: What’s this?
Kid: Kam se kam naha liya.
When do you crack Virat Kohli jokes?
On Diwali.
What did Alia Bhatt’s cat say on Diwali?
Nothing, cats can’t talk!
Who does their job even after getting fired?
Bullets and fireworks.
On Diwali, a foolish child nearly blew his hand while playing with fireworks. He was unharmed when the smoke cleared!
Not a single singe or burn on him! The family and relatives approached him, perplexed, and said, “What are you retardant?”
What is it like to clean house for Diwali when your kids are growing up?
It is like brushing your teeth whilst eating soan papdi.
At the Diwali fireworks show over the Hudson River in New York, a vendor was selling pet turtles.
A wife, an impulsive animal lover bought one.
After the fireworks, they were gathering up our things to leave.
She asked her husband if her new turtle was OK.
The husband picked up its little carrier, peered inside, and said, “It looks a little shell-shocked.”
Recommended: Diwali Memes
Why don’t they have fireworks at Line of Control?
Because every time they shoot them off, Pakistan tries to surrender.
What do you get when you googled “How to light a candle in Diwali”?
About 1,07,00,000 matches.
Why was your firework party a complete disaster on Deepawali?
Can’t say. They all worked fine when you tried them yesterday.
Mom: What’s your best memory of Diwali at home?
Kid: The one in which you used to prepare sweets for the guests and I used to grab them.
Mom: Same here, dear.
Kid: Meaning?
Mom: The guests who used to gift you money and I used to grab.
How is a wife similar to Ladis?
Explosive, distracting, and can put you in hospital if you get to close.
What did the Diwali lights say to the switch?
You turn me on.
What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?
Firequackers.
How do you have an eco-friendly Diwali?
Step 1: Stand in the kitchen.
Step 2: Finish off the sweets your wife makes.
Step 3: Then say, “My mother makes sweets better than you.”
That’s it. Enjoy the fireworks.
Why was the broom late to the Diwali celebration?
It over-swept.
What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
Dino-mite.
What kind of work do firefighters do during Diwali?
Firework.
What do you call a firework that can also be in a salad?
A rocket.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to go see the fireworks this Diwali?
Are you taking the fireworks test?
Be sure to pass with flying colors.
Why should you never watch Deepavali fireworks on TV?
Because it’s a dangerous place to light them.
With so many Diwali messages on WhatsApp, mostly we reply even without reading.
A doctor receives a message: My daughter suffers from vomiting and loose motions, what should I give her?
The doctor replied: Wishing the same to you and your entire family. Enjoy these moments and have fun.
Why should you research Diwali ke patakhe before you buy them?
To get the best bang for your buck!
How’s the FireCrackers Wholesale Business in October?
Booming!
What do fireworks drink?
Sparkling water.
What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
A firecracker.
A husband was wasted when he arrived home.
Wife at the door: What are you doing? You said you didn’t drink without a reason, so why are you drinking today?
Husband: Darling, Diwali, the festival of lights, is coming.
Wife: What’s the big deal? What’s new about that?
Husband: We need bottles to launch rockets, sweetheart.
When are Indian brothers the poorest in the whole year?
Two days – Rakshabandhan and Bhai Dooj.
Recommended: Raksha Bandhan Jokes
What do you call a monkey lightning firecracker on Diwali?
A Baboom!
What did the matchstick say to the cracker?
“Teri Mujhse Phat Ti Hai.”
Why shouldn’t you use Kingfisher Bottle to fire the rocket?
It may not FLY!
Two employees were chatting during Diwali.
First employee: Arey Diwali pe Ghar nahin gaya?
Second employee: First of all, I’m standing right in front of you.
Why are lighters sad about Diwali?
Cause smokers can light their cigarettes from Diya.
Santa: How does a married man celebrate a noiseless Diwali?
Banta: By going abroad?
Santa: No. By sending his wife to her parents’ hometown.
Vaishali goes to a relative’s place.
Aunty: Check out this rangoli, my daughter made this.
Vaishali: Nice.
Aunty: And she is also organising society’s Diwali fest.
Vaishali: Awesome, aunty.
Aunty: With the hard work she has been putting in, she will do leaps and bounds in her career.
Vaishali: With so much effort, she will definitely be an HR.
Santa: Mere paas Anaar hai, Fhooljhadi hain, Jaamen Chakri hai, tumhare paas kya hai?
Banta: Mere paas Maachis hai.
What is the difference between the Taliban and Indians?
Taliban celebrates Diwali every day.
Once upon a time, goddess Lakshmi’s vehicle, the owl got angry with her.
He said, “Everyone worships you, no one worships me at all.”
The goddess replied, “Every year from now on you will also be worshiped 11 days before my day of worship.”
Recommended: Karwa Chauth Jokes
Why shouldn’t you light more than one Diya using a single matchstick?
Because this makes the father suspicious that the boy has started smoking a cigarette.
A day before Diwali, a maid asked the wife for raise.
Maid: Madam, Diwali is near. I need a raise.
Wife: But Kantabai, you already had a raise.
Maid: That was 18 months ago, madam.
Wife: Why do you then deserve this raise?
Maid: I am better than you in many things.
Wife: Like? Ok, tell me.
Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you.
Wife: Who told you?
Maid: Your husband.
Wife: Okay.
Maid: I also am better at cooking than you.
Wife: Now, who told you that?
Maid: Your husband.
Wife: Okay.
Maid: And I also am better than you in bed.
Wife: Did my husband tell you that too?
Maid: No the postman did.
Wife: Huh……okay, how much raise do you want?
What does a parrot want on Diwali?
A Fire Cracker.
There is this divorced woman, who has been divorced for the last 5 years. She meets her girlfriend after many years and here is how the conversation goes.
Girlfriend: it must have been tough on you to first get a divorce and lead the life of a single mom to 5 kids. He must have been an a**hole to leave such a wonderful woman like you. I am sure there is a lot of hard work involved. But remind me, the last time we met was about 6 years ago, you already had only one child when you got divorced. Can you explain the other 4 kids?
Woman: oh you are totally getting it wrong. I haven’t turned into a sl*t. And he is not completely an a**hole. It’s just that every year on the day of Diwali, he comes to say sorry.
What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker?
“My pop is bigger then your pop.”
While cleaning every nook and crevice of the house may be a headache, some people are attempting to lighten the load by making jokes about it. Have a better one? Post your own Deepawali joke in the comment section below!
I searched on Amazon for something to light my diya. It said, “No matches found.”