Weekends for adults aren’t just about catching up on sleep or doing laundry that’s been sitting around since Tuesday. They’re when people toss away the office face and bring out their fun side—with snacks in one hand and Dirty Weekend Jokes in the other. It’s the only time when folding clothes can turn into comedy hour, and somehow the Wi-Fi works better when the punchlines get dirtier.
These Dirty Weekend Jokes sneak into group chats, date nights, and even those awkward family dinners where someone’s had a bit too much wine. They’re bold, a little cheeky, and definitely not made for Monday mornings. But hey, if weekends were made for relaxing, why not throw in a few jokes that make you snort-laugh and question your life choices?
Adult Weekend Jokes
What is a cannibal’s favorite weekend breakfast?
French toes.
Me: What’s the difference between a bl*wjob and a sandwich?
Recipient: I don’t know.
Me: Wanna have a picnic this weekend?
Last weekend, Johnny went to a bulimic bachelor party.
The cake came out of the stripper.
A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend, a strange lady came around.”
“Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says, “Now, dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”
And Daddy starts to say something, but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”
“Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”
“Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?”
“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.”
“Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?”
“Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.
What do emos do at the weekend?
Just hang around.
American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked, “Why don’t you go to church on Sunday?”
She replied, “I’m too f*cking busy and vice versa.”
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday, he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman replies, “He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.”
So the next day, the boss calls the guy into his office and says,
“You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker, and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”
The guy replies, “No, I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know… I’m f*cking her.”
The boss says, “You f*ck your sister?!”
The guy replies, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”
A blind boy was forcefully intercoursed by the town priest on the weekend.
Guess he just didn’t see him coming.
Did you hear about the amputee convention this weekend?
Heard that place is gonna be crawling with pu$$y.
Recommended: Weekend Jokes
A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.”
Rumours are going around that our neighbour is a paedophile.
Which is useful, because we need a babysitter for the weekend.
Never thought hookers would need a weekend off.
But yes, seven days can make a hole week.
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “And I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the skiing weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing holiday about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do,” said Keith.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Keith’s face turned beet red, and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“Well, she just died and left me everything.”
This doctor told his patient not to m@sturbate on the weekend.
The patient told him, “That’s ok, I’ll m@sturbate on Drake instead.”
A kid went to Sunday school for the first time.
The teacher asked each of them how their parents had taught them to pray at home.
When asked, the kid said, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve heard Ma praying a couple of times’.
The teacher asked him to demonstrate, upon which the kid started screaming, “OH GOD YES! OH GOD DON’T STOP! YES, OH GOD!”
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand. I want something very special.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled, and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds, and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Recommended: Saturday Jokes
My colleague just told me she can’t attend the innuendo seminar this weekend.
Guess I’ll have to fill her slot.
There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what – regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep, and says: “The weather is terrible outside.”
Half awake, the wife replies: “And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle.”
Two ladies ditch their husbands for a girls’ night out on a Friday. They go do whatever middle-aged women think is fun on a Friday night. One thing leads to another, and they have a bit too much to drink. Eventually, they decide to head home and sleep it off.
On the drive back, they suddenly realize they really have to pee—bad. They try to hold it, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
They pull over near a cemetery, drop their underwear, and relieve themselves behind some gravestones. One of the women simply takes off her underwear and uses it to wipe. The other, however, remembers that her panties were a gift from her husband. Not wanting to ruin them, she spots a wreath on a nearby grave and decides to use that instead.
They finish up, head home, and call it a night.
That weekend, their husbands are at the pub chatting.
One says, “These ladies’ nights are getting out of hand. My wife came home last night with no panties on.”
The other finishes his beer and replies, “You think that’s bad? My wife came home with a card stuck in her buttcrack that said: ‘On behalf of the whole fire department, we’ll never forget you.’”
I made love to my wife this past weekend for an hour and one minute straight.
Then again, it was daylight savings time.
Two women are chatting.
“My 15-year-old son is getting to be a right little b@stard, hanging about in a gang, never coming to visit his grandparents with me – honestly, I sometimes think he wouldn’t care if I died,” the first woman said.
“I’m lucky in that respect”, the second woman said, “My son is 22 now and loves his old mum, he snuggles up on the sofa with me to watch TV, always gives me a kiss and hug whenever he is going out or going up to bed, we even do paintings together at weekends.”
“I know”, says the first woman. “Sometimes I wish my son had Down’s Syndrome too.”
Arranging to meet my blind date this weekend, I described myself and then asked how I might recognise her.
“You can’t miss me,” she replied. “I’ll be wearing a poppy.”
A hard-working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired that all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.
He comes home Friday and plops down on the couch, and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him, and says, “Hone,y my car won’t start, will you take a look at it ?” The husband says, “Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench? Take my truck.”
He’s sound asleep on Saturday morning when his wife comes in and wakes him up. “Honey, the dishwasher won’t start. Can you take a look at it ?” The husband is a little upset due to being woken up on his day off. He says to her, ” Who do I look like, the Maytag Man ?”
Sunday, the husband is laying on the couch watching football when his wife yells from the kitchen, “Honey, are you ever gonna paint these kitchen cabinets?” The husband yelled back, ” Who do I look like Sherwin Williams?”
The next day he comes home from work and sees the car has been moved. He walks into the kitchen and notices the dishwasher is running and the cabinets have been painted. His wife walks in, so he asks her, “Who did all this work around here ?”
His wife answers, “It was Bob from across the street.” The husband says, That lazy son of a b*tch! How much did he charge us?”
The wife answered, “Not a dime. He said I could either bake him a cake or give him a bl*wjob.”
The husband laughed and asked her, What kind of cake did you bake ?”
The wife replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?”
What is the most expensive thing in the world?
A woman who is free for the weekend.
Recommended: Sunday Jokes
This Welsh lad was bragging he’d had five sexual partners over a weekend,
“Does that make me some kind of stud?” he asked.
“No, it makes you a shepherd, ” his English friend replied.
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.
One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes that asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he’ll expect me to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend promptly replied, “Don’t you have a vase?”
Having a quarantine party this weekend!
None of you are invited…
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can’t help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!” The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said, “Bubba? Is that you?”
The wife was away this weekend, as she lef,t she shouted “have fun”
And you know, it started the moment the f*cking door shut behind her.
“Do anything nice at the weekend?” asked the blonde bird at work today.
“Yeah, we saw James Bond at the cinema,” the colleague replied.
“Oh, oool!” she said, “What was he watching?”
An 18-year-old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other.
Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
He’s a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks, “Excuse me, sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”
The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly grin, “Well, son, it’s all about efficiency and practicality. You see, this pack of 3 is for teenage boys like yourself. You have one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night.”
“Oh, I see,” says the boy. He points to a 6-pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the clerk answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday!”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, pointing to the 12-pack.
The clerk sighed and replied, “Well, those are for married men, like myself. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”
Recommended: Weekend Memes
Just landed a weekend job testing hoverboards.
Money is shit but at least it keeps me off the streets.
“My son’s football team is going to the south of France this weekend.”
“Toulouse?”
“Probably. They’re f*cking shite.”
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,” Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently……….
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fcuked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said You didn’t f*cking expect to find me in this bed, did you!!” and switched on the light.
“No, madam,” said the gardener.
Kent’s dog only lives with him on the weekends. During the week, it sleeps at school.
He’s a Border Collie.
A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city.
Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.
While waiting, a prostitute walks up to him and asks if he wants a quickie in the alley.
After thinking it over, he replies: “Well, why the hell not. I haven’t tried much in my life, and I’m not getting any younger.”
He digs through his pockets and pulls out a $5 bill.
“This is all I got,” he says and tries to hand it over.
“What the hell do you take me for? $5 won’t get you shit” the prostitute replies and walks off.
After a while, the wife comes back out and the couple continue down the street. As they pass an alley, a woman shouts.
“You see. That’s what $5 gets you!”
This guy played the best Doctors and Patients with his wife on the weekend.
Made her sit quietly in the waiting room for 2 hours.
Two coworkers, Fred & Jim, come in to work on Monday.
Fred immediately says to Jim, “You won’t believe my weekend. I went to the club on Saturday and met up with this woman. We wound up getting a hotel room and went at it all night, she was absolutely incredible. I have to say she was even better than my wife. You’ve got to meet this woman.”
The next Monday, Jim comes into work and says, “Fred! I went to the club on Saturday and found the woman you were talking about. We got a hotel room and stayed there all night. You were right, she was way better than your wife.”
What is a golfer’s favorite aspect of sex?
You’d think it would be a hole in one, or even the foreplay, but it’s actually the threesomes on the weekends.
Recommended: Three Day Weekend Memes
What’s the difference between a toddler and a bag of coke?
If a bag of coke falls out the window your weekend is ruined. If a toddler falls out the window you win three Grammys.
Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.
“Any chance of a blow job?” Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.
“For f*ck’s sake, Dave!” she hissed, “Mandy’s in the bed over there!”
“Good point,” he said, “Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?”
Do you have a dirty weekend joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
I went to the circus this weekend.
It was in tents.