Weekends are when life finally lets you hit snooze without guilt. After five days of pretending to be productive, the weekend arrives like a reward for just surviving. That’s when Weekend Jokes make everything better because why think hard when you can laugh easy?!
Weekend Jokes are like the comfy pajamas of humor. They are simple, silly, and perfect for lazy days. They sneak in between naps and snacks, giving your brain a break before Monday shows up uninvited.
Best Weekend Jokes
Did you hear about a weekend job at an ice-cream factory, but people turned it down?
Some just don’t like working on sundaes.
Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?
Because all the other days are week days.
The boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
Employee replied, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
On the weekend, what do chicken families do?
They go on peck-nics.
Friend 1: “What are you going to do this weekend?”
Friend 2: “I’m going to buy glasses.”
Friend 1: “Oh, nice! And then what?”
Friend 2: “Then I’ll see.”
Want to know why I stay awake all weekend?
Sleep is for the week.
Imagine if Christians switched church service from Sunday to Saturday.
There would be mass confusion.
On weekends, where do cows go?
To the mooooovies.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store, so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl on the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: “Lads! Lads! I’ve got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let’s not get a cab home, let’s just roll down the hill!” and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again, “That was great, that was great, let’s do it again!”.
The lemon was now churning up pips with the acid, but the pea didn’t seem to care, “Come on! Let’s go again, that was great!”.
The potato turned to him and said,”Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”
What do chiropractors do after the weekend?
They get backs to work.
Recommended: Weekend Memes
Yo mama so stupid, she actually thinks that Saturday is ‘Sadder day.’
Why are North Korean weekends so lame?
Because there’s only one party. And it has no Seoul.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
Why are weekends made in China?
They don’t last very long, and they take forever to arrive.
What is The Weeknd’s real name?
Saturday Sunday.
What do ducks like to do on the weekend?
Quack Cocaine.
Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by, and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
What did the vampire cat say when he didn’t like the plans his friends were making for the weekend?
“Count meowt.”
Why do you see more fish on weekends than during the week?!
Because school is out.
What do you call a lazy Saturday afternoon?
A snooze fest!
Recommended: Adult Weekend Jokes
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips – the works. The wife turned to her husband and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Her husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
What do cavemen do on the weekends?
They go clubbing.
Why did Saturday put on sunscreen?
SUNday was coming.
What do you call Batman when he skips church on Sunday?
Christian Bale.
An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, “I’ve outgrown this bullshit.” He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up.
The traffic officer approached him, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes, it’s Friday, and I’m about to start my weekend. If you give me a reason for your speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go in peace.”
The man looked at the officer seriously and replied, “Years ago, my wife left me and ran off with a police officer. When I saw you chasing me, I thought you were bringing her back…”
The officer turned around and said, “Have a nice day, sir!”
Two antennas got married last weekend.
It wasn’t much of a wedding, but the reception was wonderful.
Where does the periodic table go on Sundays?
Mass!
Why is it impossible for it to rain on Sunday?
Because it would be a rainday, not Sunday.
Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge, and a man walks up to the desk.
Yoda: “Hello, welcome, you are.”
Man: “Hi, I’d like to book a triplex for the weekend.”
Yoda: “Sorry, I am, only duplex we have.”
Man: “Are you sure? I really need the triplex.”
Yoda: “There is no tri, only du.”
Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?
Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!
Recommended: Long Weekend Memes
What day is a vampire’s least favourite?
Sunday.
Which weekday makes you delighted in the morning and sad in the evening?
Sunday.
Teacher: “Hello, class! What did you do on your weekend?”
Student: “My father fell into a pit.”
Teacher: “Oh no! Is he OK?”
Student: “I think so, he stopped calling for help today.”
What do kids love that starts with a q?
A theme park on a busy weekend.
Why do hamburgers exercise on Sunday?
To get better buns.
On a Thursday near the end of the day, a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.
Teacher announces, “Ok, class, who can tell me who said ‘There is nothing to fear but fear itself’?
Sally excitedly shouts, “FDR!”
Teacher says, “That’s correct, Sally, you can have tomorrow off.”
Sally responds, “No thanks. I’m Japanese, and we value our education, so I’ll be here tomorrow.”
Teacher says, “Ok then, let’s give someone else a chance. Can anyone tell me who said ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’
Billy shouts out, “JFK!”
Teacher says, “That’s right, Billy, enjoy your Friday off.”
Billy explains, “No, thank you, I’m a Mexican and we have a hard work ethic, and I’m committed to school, so I’ll be here tomorrow.”
Teacher says, “Well, I guess no one wants tomorrow off. Let’s continue with the next lesson.”
As the teacher turns around to write on the board an angry Johnny in the back of the room mumbles, “Fuckin foreigners”
The teacher snaps around and, in a demanding voice, asks, “Who said that?”
Johnny jumps up and shouts, “Donald Trump! See you losers on Monday.”
Do you think it will snow this weekend?
I don’t know, it’s still up in the air.
Which chore sucks the most on weekend?
Vacuuming.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender asks him, “What’d you do this weekend?”
The guy says, “I picked off a scab.”
“Oh, so it wasn’t very eventful?”
“Well, actually, I’m on strike with the sniper’s union.”
Why’s it so hard to make soup on the weekends?
Stock market’s closed.
Recommended: Sunday Jokes
What’s Newton’s Law of Weekend?
A body at rest will continue to be at rest until the wife notices and finds some work for him.
Boss: “Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.”
Employee: “Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though—public transport’s pretty bad on weekends.”
Boss: “Okay… when do you think you’ll get here then?”
Employee: “Monday.”
At weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park..
But it’s becoming increasingly harder to find exactly 32 of them…
What do ghosts like to do on a Saturday night?
Boogie!
What do you call a president who needs to do a lot of laundry on the Weekend?
Washington.
Four college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They’re having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip their Monday psychology exam. They all email their professor, claiming they had a flat tire while out of town. The professor replies, saying, “No problem, unexpected things happen. You can take the test on Tuesday.”
Celebrating their little white lie, they party again Monday night and return to campus Tuesday morning.
They go to see the professor, who greets them kindly, asks if they’re all okay, and thanks them for letting her know ahead of time. Then she tells them to get ready for the test.
Still inwardly laughing, they each get placed in separate rooms to prevent cheating.
They flip over the test paper and find only two questions:
- (5% credit) What does DSM stand for in the DSM-5?
- (95% credit) Which tire went flat?
What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?
“Fried, eh?”
Recommended: Saturday Jokes
On a weekend, how do you make a blonde laugh?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Teacher: “What did you do on the weekend?”
Student: “I did some cooking.”
Teacher: “Lovely, what did you bake?”
Student: “Synonym rolls just like Grammar used to make!”
What do snowmen like to do at the weekend?
Chill out.
Did you hear the story about Saturday and Sunday?
It’s got a great start but quite a weekend.
Do you have a funny Weekend Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
There’s a guy in my town who’s hosting events every weekend. Of course, I can’t always be there but everytime I don’t show up he tells everyone in town I’m a bad guy and that I should burn in hell.
I hate that damn priest.