Ducks are those funny little creatures that waddle like they’re late to a meeting but still want to look cool doing it. With their webbed feet, feathery butts, and that non-stop “quack” attitude, ducks somehow manage to look serious and silly at the same time. They float like royalty on ponds but panic like toddlers when you throw them bread. It’s no surprise that their everyday drama inspired a whole flock of Duck Jokes.
Now, Duck Jokes don’t come from thin air, they’re born from years of watching these flappy goofballs live their chaotic lives. One minute they’re swimming in a perfect line like they rehearsed for it, and the next, one of them is upside down trying to grab a snack from underwater. That kind of behavior turns into jokes faster than a duck can flap. So when people say they love Duck Jokes, they’re not just laughing at a bird, they’re laughing at the world’s most confused little troublemaker.
Best Duck Jokes
What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?
A quackulator!
Why did the duck get kicked out of class?
For quacking jokes.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “Is this Whiskey?”
Elmer says, “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”
I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling, “What the duck!”
They told me I’m not to use fowl language.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Quack!
(Quack who?)
Quack open the door and you’ll see!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
What noise does a subatomic duck make?
Quark.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?
He avoids walking into a bar.
Donald is walking out of Mar-a-Lago and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald Duck.”
What do ducks like on their tacos?
Quackamole.
Yo mama so poor, she has the ducks throw bread at her.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
What do the really fast ducks say?
“Quick.”
A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator. To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.
After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed. The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated. The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.
A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road.
The chicken called out to the duck, ”Don’t do it pal. You’ll never hear the end of it!”
What time do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You’re a duck!”
“I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. “And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now, if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?” “Certainly. Sorry about that,” says the barman, as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just, we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day, and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day, the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper, and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus…” says the barman. “The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus??” the duck asks again “…with, the big tent?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” asks the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right,” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… “Why would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
I was walking past a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.
I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.
Why should you be extra careful handling duck eggs?
They’re prone to quacking.
There is only one thing one cannot like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant.
The bill.
A duck walks into a bar.
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Got any bread?”
“No.”
“Got any bread?”
“No.”
“Got any bread?”
“No.”
“Got any bread?”
“No, and if you ask again, I’ll nail your beak to the bar!”
“Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any bread?”
Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?
Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check.
Duck billed platypus.
How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?
M’lard.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Recommended: Parrot Jokes
Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?
He had a quack addiction.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Duck.
(Duck who?)
Just duck! They’re throwing things at us!
Why can’t you punch a duck?
Cause they duck.
What do you call a mouse that walks around on two legs?
Mickey Mouse, duh.
What do you call a duck that walks around on two legs?
No, they all do that, duh.
A rabbit, a chicken, a horse, a duck, and a cricket walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “I have got to fix that damn door”.
Why do ducks make bad plumbers?
Because they leave your waterfowl, the bill is always on the front end, and they have excessive plumbers quack.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Recommended: Owl Jokes
Why do homeopathic doctors get along with ducks?
They are both quacks.
What do you call a group of 5 ducks and 3 crows?
A murder, most fowl.
What do ducks love about the Fourth of July?
Fire crackers.
A duck walks into a psychiatrist’s office.
He sits on the couch, and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually, the duck says, “Quack.”
“Get out of here!” yells the psychiatrist. “I won’t be ridiculed in my office.”
The duck travels to another psychiatrist’s office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each other in silence for a time. Again, the duck says, “Quack.”
“An insult!” shouts the psychiatrist. “I’ll have you know I was top of my class. Get out!”
The duck travels to a third psychiatrist. He sits on the couch. They stare at each other for a short while. The psychiatrist says, “You hate your father, you worry about money, and you’re lonely”.
“Finally,” says the duck. “Those other two quacks were idiots.”
Why can’t you send a duck to space?
Because the bill would be astronomical.
What do you call a duck inside a nuclear reactor?
Radioquacktive.
Did you hear about the duck negotiating with the plastic surgeon?
He wanted his bill reduced!
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,,” says the waiter, “what did you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise…”
“Ah! So sorry, everyone,” says the waiter, “I brought you Peeking Duck.”
Recommended: Penguin Jokes
What happens when you unintentionally step on a duck?
A quackcident.
You know why the Duck ended up in jail?
Because he was selling quack.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken had the day off.
A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter.
Without a word, he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot-tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.
“That’s amazing, son. Where in the world did you get him from?” asked the bartender.
The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. “I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?”
The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.
“Ducks? I didn’t wish for a million ducks,” the bartender yelled.
“Ya”, the man replied, “you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
What does a debt collector say when complimenting a duck?
“You have an outstanding bill!”
Why did the ornithologist become frustrated with his Excel spreadsheet?
He just couldn’t get his ducks in a row.
A man found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie!
As you might expect, the genie said, “Thank you for releasing me — I grant you three wishes!”
Without hesitation, the man said, “For my first wish, I want you to get a hearing aid.” The genie was perplexed and said, “That’s an odd wish. May I ask why that?”
“Well, I’ve heard horror stories about wishes before, and I really don’t need a million ducks or a 12 inch pianist.”
Recommended: Adult Duck Jokes
What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
Milk and quackers.
Give a man a duck, you’ll feed him for a day.
Teach a man to duck, he’ll never hit his head again.
What did the duck detective say about work?
“I’ve got to quack this case.”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in this side of the planet and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in this village. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule’.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
What does the Mexican duck say?
“Guac…Guac…Guac..”
You should always fear a pirate duck.
He has the power to unleash the quackin.
What do you call a duck that steals things?
A Robber Ducky.
Recommended: Turkey Jokes
A duck walks into a bar.
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, “That’s gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my tab.”
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, “Don’t you mean ‘put it on my bill’?”
The duck says to the bartender, “Okay, put it on his bill.”
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A duck and a vet go to a restaurant.
The vet takes care of the bill.
What language do ducks speak?
Portugeese.
A duck walks into the doctor’s office.
He takes a seat, looking really depressed. The doctor asks why he’s there, and the duck sighs deeply.
“Well,” the duck says, “whenever I go to the toilet to take a number two, there are feathers in my poo.”
The doctor nods and replies,
“It’s nothing major to worry about—you’re suffering from a medical condition we call down in the dumps.”
Why is that whenever ducks fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other?
Because there’s more ducks on that side.
A skunk, a deer, and a duck went out to dinner, and when it came time to pay.
The skunk didn’t have a scent, and the deer didn’t have a buck. So they put it on the duck’s bill.
How do you heal a sick duck?
Quackupuncture.
A man walks into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head.
The doctor asks, “Can I help you?”
The duck says, “Yeah, can you get this guy off my b*tt?”
Recommended: Peacock Jokes
What do ducks smoke?
Qwack.
What do you call two birds time traveling?
A pair of ducks.
What’s the best console to play Duck Tales on?
On Wii U.
What’s another name for an alcoholic duck?
A flight risk.
What does a duck serve with cheese?
Quackers.
Do you have a funny Duck Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
What kind of vehicle does Scrooge McDuck drive?
A Scrooge McTruck.
Why should you be extra careful handling duck eggs?
They’re prone to quacking.