Gambling is the wagering of something of value, usually money, on an event with an uncertain outcome, with the primary intent of winning additional money or material goods. While it can be a form of entertainment for many, it also has a darker side – gambling addiction. This addiction, also known as problem gambling or compulsive gambling, is an impulse-control disorder. It’s not just about the financial loss, but also the personal and relational issues it can cause. The high of a win can be so exhilarating and addictive that some players are tempted to keep playing, even when they are losing, which can lead to severe consequences.
Humor associated with gambling often stems from the paradoxes and ironies intrinsic to the activity. Gambling jokes can expose the inherent risk and unpredictability of betting or even the occasional absurdity of gamblers’ logic. For example, a gambler might joke about the idea of betting on anything and everything or the contradictions between their knowledge of the odds and their behaviors. These jokes are an acknowledgment of the lighter side of a pastime that can be fraught with risk and allow for a shared laugh over common experiences.
Best Gambling Jokes
What did the gambler say after his girlfriend dumped him because of his gambling addiction?
“But I know I can win her back.”
How do you make a small fortune from gambling?
Start with a large fortune.
People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought family closer.
We now live in a one bedroom unit.
Yo mama so stupid, she lost $50 betting on a football game and another $50 betting on the sports report on the news.
How can you improve Gambling addiction hotlines?
They would be so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
How can gambling help you get back on your feet?
If you lose your car in poker.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Chip.
(Chip who?)
Chip in, let’s go to the casino!
A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.
He is the seoul breadwinner.
Why is gambling illegal in China?
Because they hate Tibet.
Did you hear about the gambler who doesn’t see his wife & kids anymore?
It’s all due to gambling. He won a lottery and moved to Hawai’i.
Do you know why there’s no gambling in Africa?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Recommended: Casino Jokes
Why don’t vampires like gambling?
They get nervous when the stakes are raised.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the f*ck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Sometimes rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking about how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. “How much is it to the airport?” He asks. The driver says, “$15”. “Great, how much is it for a bl*wjob on the way there?” The cab driver says, “Get the f*ck out of my cab.” So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing, “How much to the airport?” “$15” “Great, how much for a bl*wjob on the way there?” And that cab driver also tells him to get the f*ck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, “Hey how much to the airport?” The driver responds, “$15” The guy hands him $15 and says, “Great let’s go!” And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their windows while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
What did the nun wear to the casino?
Her gambling habit.
Judge asked a carpenter, “You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?”
“Making a bolt for the door, your honor.”
Did you hear about the paraplegic with the gambling problem?
He just couldn’t walk away/
A man walks into a butcher’s shop.
The man says to the butcher, “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher replies, “Yes, you could say that.” The man says, “Okay then, I bet you $100 you can’t reach that meat you’ve got hanging from the ceiling up there.”
The Butcher looks up and says, “No sorry!” The man says, “I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?”
The butcher answers, “The steaks are too high.”
What do you call a Navy Admiral who gambles, smokes, drinks and does drugs?
A Vice Admiral.
How is Life insurance like gambling?
You: I bet you $100 I will die this year.
Insurance: We’ll bet you $50,000 that you won’t.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Suzan, pack up your things. I just won a ฿1000 20 leg parlay!” Suzan replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
Operator: May I know your username, Sir?
Bettor: My username is Daffy Pluto Mickey Minnie Donald Road Runner Speedy Gonzalez London.
Operator: Wow, why do you have a username like that?
Bettor: Why? You guys told me it had to be 6 characters long and include a capital!
A wife told her husband that she’s had enough of his gambling, and it’s time to choose between her and the horses.
He replied that it’s hard enough just choosing between the horses.
Did you hear about a compulsive gambler who has finally come up with a foolproof system, that will guarantee he never loses and only win?
He has started up his own online gambling company.
How do you stop a gambling addict from gambling?
Make a bet. They won’t refuse.
Recommended: Addiction Jokes
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play the game.
The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several minutes looking up everything he could on his laptop and then even placed numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is the answer?”
The blonde glanced at him with a smile on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
What do you call someone that doesn’t eat animal products and loves to gamble?
A Las Vegan.
What do you call a genie that loves to gamble?
A djinnerate.
Why did the gambler have more luck in Siberia than in Costa Rica?
Because Fortune Favors the Cold.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and asked where he is going at night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse, and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
Did you hear about the American for whom dieting hasn’t worked out?
So he is gambling in the UK. Says it’s a great way to lose a few pounds.
What’s a cat’s favorite way to gamble?
Scratchers.
If a person is not feeling well, why should he make a small wager?
It will make him a little better.
A wealthy man met a homeless man on the street.
He took out his wallet, extracted two dollars, and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.
“Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend the money on a golf course?”
“Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”
The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf looks like.”
What do you call a paraplegic who self medicates with drugs and gambling?
A High Roller.
Recommended: Funny Bingo Jokes
How many gamblers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, all the ones we’ve hired so far have failed, but eventually, it’ll work, I swear!
Did you hear about the gambling nurse that’s doin’ hard time?
She got booked for aiding and abetting.
Pedro was driving down Panjim Street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanizing too!!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said,” Never mind, I found one! Sorry, I bothered you!!”
Why was the successful gambler uncomfortable when he sat down?
He had an ace in the hole.
What do you call the toilet of a king with a gambling addiction?
Royal flush.
A patient goes to see his doctor.
“Do you think I’ll live another 50 years, Doc?” asked a patient.
“How old are you now?”
“Forty.”
“Do you drink, gamble or chase women?”
“No,” the man answered. “I don’t drink, I never gamble, and I detest women. In fact, I don’t have any vices at all.”
“Why then,” the doctor retorted, “do you want to live another 50 years?”
What do gamblers drive?
A Chevroulette.
When did Adam & Eve discover God didn’t like gambling?
When he took away their pair a dice.
Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement.
The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest, “Father, were you gambling?”
“As God is my witness,” the priest replies, “I was not.”
They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest, “Father, were you gambling?”
“As Jesus is my witness,” the priest replies, “I was not.”
They let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi, “Rabbi, were you gambling?”
The rabbi looks around and says, “With whom?”
Do you know why the horse stalls at a racetrack are labeled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
What does your baby daddy have in common with an unlucky gambler?
Neither of them pulled out in time.
What did the gambler say when asked what his favorite numbers were?
“I like those odds.”
Why are the Irish risky gamblers?
Because they’re always Dublin’ down.
Little Johnny’s father took him to class on his first day of school. The father pulled the teacher aside and told her, “Little Johnny has a bad gambling problem so don’t make a bet with him you can’t win.” The teacher agreed.
In class, when the teacher was passing out the textbooks Little Johnny said, “Teacher! I’ll make a bet with you!” She replied, “Ok what?” Little Johnny said, “I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can tell you what color panties you have on.”
She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess.
While Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse.
When school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said, “Okay Johnny, what color are they?” He replied, “Yellow.” So the teacher raised her dress and said, “No your wrong, I’m not wearing any.” Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dad’s car and he would get her money.
So as Little Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He asked, “What do you mean?” She said, “Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off.”
The father replied, “That son of a b*tch! He bet me a hundred dollars he could see your p*ssy before the end of the day.”
What do you call a drunk who won’t shut the f*ck up about being a successful gambler?
A Keno-speaker.
What’s a gambler’s favorite dessert?
Dice cream.
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
What did the first-time gambler say to the dealer after being dealt an ace and a queen?
“I don’t know how you know my name, but address me by the color of my skin again and we’re gonna have problems.”
What’s the difference between a gambler and a gardener?
One says “Read ‘em and weep” the other says “Weed ‘em and reap.”
The man walks in to see the auditor with his lawyer and sits down. The auditor says, “You claim to have made around $10 million last year through gambling and frankly, we don’t believe you.”
The man says, “I’m a great gambler and I can prove it!”
The auditor replies, “Go ahead.” So the man says, “I bet you $2,000 that I can lick my eyeball!”
The auditor decides that there’s no way this man’s tongue is that long and agrees to the wager. The man proceeds to pop out a glass eye, lick it, and pop it back in his socket.
Before the auditor can respond the man says, “Double or nothing. I bet you that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor sees that this man is clearly not blind, there’s no way this man has 2 glass eyes so again, he agrees to the wager.
The man puts his hand to his mouth and pops out his dentures. The then proceeds to bite his good eye with his dentures before popping them back in.
Before the auditor can respond the man exclaims, “Triple or nothing! I bet I can stand on your desk, and piss in the waste basket across the room without spilling a drop in between.”
The auditor is suspicious as he has now been burned twice in front of this man’s lawyer. They judged the wastebasket to be probably 10 feet away from his desk and determined that it would be an impossible feat for any man. Reluctantly, he accepts the wager.
The man hops up on the desk, pulls down his pants, and proceeds to piss all over the desk. First, he went for the keyboard, then the calendar, then the picture of the auditor’s wife. The auditor had already begun celebrating before the man pulled up his pants while the man’s lawyer bellows, “Nooo what the hell!” And buries his head in his hands.
The auditor notices the lawyer and stops celebrating to ask him why he was so pissed off all of a sudden.
The lawyer looks at the auditor with dread in his eyes and replies, “As we were in your reception area waiting for this meeting, my client bet me $50,000 that he could piss all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
What’s a gambler’s favorite time of day?
10 to 1.
Why don’t numbers gamble?
Because only alphabets.
A man and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other at a bar. The news plays out on one of the TVs nearby. Both of them turn their attention to it when a story comes on about a man threatening to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge.
The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you five dollars that he jumps”
“He won’t jump. You’re on.” She replies.
They continue to watch until eventually, the man jumps.
The woman reaches for her purse to retrieve five dollars, but the man stops her.
“I can’t take your money, I saw the same segment an hour earlier. I knew he was gonna jump.”
“Oh, I saw it earlier too. But I didn’t think he’d do it twice!”
Which hero got gambling problems?
Betman.
What does a gambler enjoy more than a holiday?
A paradise.
A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he’s about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, “Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife, and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you.” The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he’s done he asks Santa when he’ll get everything back and Santa asks him, “Son, how old are you?”
“55,” replies the man.
“55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus?”
Why gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios?
If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more.
What did a degenerate gambler and a Nazi soldier say?
“It’s alright to lose. There are always other races.”
What kind of Gambling do depressed people always win at?
Russian Roulette.
Do you have a funny gambling joke? Write down your own gambling puns in the comment section below!
A casino was offering free mexican food for all who lost more than $50 in gambling.
This is because its clearly nacho lucky day if you lost that much!