50 Lactose Intolerant Jokes That Won’t Give A Stomachache

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Jessica Amlee


Any lactose intolerant person will tell you that it feels more like an annoyance than an allergy, with them often trudging through stomach pain to get a taste of that sweet, sweet dairy. More power to you if you’re lactose intolerant and go to great lengths to avoid dairy at all costs, but most of us can’t bear giving it up.

So if you’re having earth-shattering regrets because you chose to eat two slices of pizza for lunch, take a look at these jokes. Yes, we know that your stomach still hurts, but you might be able to laugh it away. But don’t laugh too hard. This will almost certainly worsen the situation.

Funny Lactose Intolerance Jokes

Remember that lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living?
He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they…. Lactose…..!

Why doesn’t HumorNama have a lot of lactose jokes?
We just feel like we’d be milking it, y’know?!

Did you hear about the real intolerance when social media bans female b**bs, but not men’s?
Lactose intolerance.

Why did the guy have to break up with his girlfriend after he ran over her feet with a lawnmower?
He is lactose intolerant.

Why can’t milk cartons walk?
Because they lactose.

What do you call a lactose-intolerant person who drank an entire gallon of milk?
An ambulance.

What do you call a gender-neutral person that lactose intolerant?
Non buy dairy.

Recommended: Milk Jokes

Why do we hope that Pennywise isn’t lactose intolerant?
He seems to eat a lot of Derry.

Did you hear the doctor’s comment that lactose intolerant people should just eat anything and deal with the consequences later?
It caused quite the shitstorm.

Have you heard that John used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant?
They broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

How do you make your pickup line cheese?
“Hello, are you lactose intolerant?”

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?
A shart tootery board.

A man and his friend Sara went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant.
He was surprised she wanted to eat there because she had recently been diagnosed as lactose intolerant and hadn’t eaten dairy in months.
Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out “I haven’t had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don’t even bother heating it up.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Queso raw, Sara?”
She shrugged. “Whatever will be, will be.”

Recommended: Mexican Jokes

What do you call a lactose intolerant Mexican bodybuilder?
No whey Jose.

Why can’t cows do ballet?
Because they lactose.

Why do you call someone who discriminates against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite?
Lactose intolerant.

Why should you be glad if your wife is lactose intolerant?
You don’t have to pose for pictures.

What do you call a lactose intolerant music artist?
Post Provolone.

What do you call a lactose-intolerant person’s farts?
Their dairy-air.

Did you know lactose intolerance is a genetic thing?
Runs in the family.

God: (creates cheesecake)
God: (While stuffing his face in front of the angels) Oh wow! This is so great!
Angel: Don’t you think you should be sharing that?
God:(creates lactose intolerance)

Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk?
Because they lactose.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought her indigestion was lactose intolerance living in the milky way.

Recommended: Yo Momma Jokes

Yo mama is as bloated as a lactose intolerant home plate umpire.

What’s the difference between someone who can’t eat cheese, and someone who hates amputees?
One is lactose intolerant, and the other is lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call an alien who can’t drink milk?
Galactose intolerant.

Did you hear about the depressed lactose-intolerant woman?
She committed soya-cide.

What’s it called when someone who’s lactose intolerant still likes eating cheese?

What do you call racist milk?
Intolerant Lactose.

A skeleton walked into a bar.
The bartender slides him a glass of milk and the skeleton says, “Really Jerry? I’ve known you for 20 years and you do this?”
The bartender replies, “Oh sorry, I thought it would be funny. You know being a skeleton and all…”
To which the skeleton replied, “What no. You forgot I was lactose intolerant.”

Did you hear about lactose intolerant terrorist?
He has explosive diarrhea,

How do you make chocolate milk when you’re lactose intolerant?
Drink milk.

Why am I lactose intolerant?
Cause you lac tose enzymes.

Remember the guy who was harassing a diabetic who recently had parts of his foot amputated?
Guess the first guy was lack toes intolerant.

Recommended: Diabetes Jokes

What do milk and people with foot fetishes have in common?
They both hate people who lactose.

What do you call a lactose intolerant pornstar?
A non-dairy creamer.

Why is Ponyboy lactose intolerant?
He hates Dairy but likes Sodapop.

What do you have if you’re intolerant to cheese?
You have allercheese.

Why couldn’t the boy look at the Milky Way?
He was galactose intolerant.

A family is sitting at the dining room table and the mom just served everyone lattes that she made. The son looks at his dad and says, “Dad, I think I’m lactose intolerant.” The dad says, “Son, your mother made you that latte and you’re going to like it.”
A couple years later, they’re sitting at the dining room table and the mom is serving everyone some fresh baked bread she made. The son says, “Dad, I think I’m allergic to gluten.” The dad says, “Son, your mother made you that bread and you’re going to like it.”
A few years after that, the son walks up to his dad and says, “Dad, I think I’m transgender.” The dad says, “Son, your mother gave you that Y chromosome and you’re going to like it.”

Have you heard that some can’t wear preppy clothes?
They’re Lacoste Intolerant.

What do you call a klansman with a foot fetish?
Black toes intolerant.

What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Did you hear about the person who discovered wheat intolerance?
He has died. The family has requested, NO FLOURS.

Why can’t a lactose intolerant dyslexic man keep a diary?
Because he’s allergic.

Recommended: Dyslexic Jokes

What are lactose intolerant soldiers banned from joining?
The Mili-Dairy.

What’s the worst part of having a Lactose Intolerance & participating in Triathlons?
The Runs.

What game can’t you play with a lactose intolerant person?
Truth or Dairy.

So a customer tells the waiter, “I’m a vegetarian, allergic to gluten, don’t eat carbs, am lactose intolerant, and have a nut allergy. What should I buy?”
“… the f*** out,” says the waiter.

What do you call a cheese plate served at a lactose-intolerant dinner?
All you can’t eat.

Did you hear about the lactose intolerant man who ate a whole wheel of cheese?
It was not gouda for him later.

Is there a funnier lactose intolerance joke that you can think of? Please share it in the comments section!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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