70 Funny Milk Jokes And Puns That Aren’t Too Cheesy

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Jessica Amlee

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Milk, the OG (Original Gallon) of the breakfast world, has been causing a stir long before the latte ever did. Think of it as nature’s moo-sterpiece, a white, creamy liquid that’s been a fridge staple since the dawn of refrigeration. It’s the unsung hero in your cereal, the secret agent in your smoothie, and the stealthy calcium provider in your diet. From cows doing their daily dairy duties to almond and soy plants stepping up their game, milk’s got more varieties than a high school yearbook. It’s a world where ‘spilled milk’ is not worth crying over, but definitely worth joking about, leading us to the delightful realm of Milk Jokes.

Now, Milk Jokes are where the fun really pours in. These jokes are like a splash of humor in the otherwise plain glass of life. They’re the kind of jokes that make you think, “Why was the milk always nervous? Because it didn’t want to be a ‘cow-ard’!” It’s where puns are creamier than the cream itself and where the laughs are more infectious than the sound of a milkshake being made. Here, ‘udder’ nonsense is not only accepted but encouraged. It’s a place where you can milk a joke for all it’s worth, and the only thing that’s expired is a bad mood, not the milk carton.

Best Milk Jokes

How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

How to determine the gender of your cat?
Pour some milk into a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male.

Why did the milk go bad?
Because it was past its expiration date.

Yo daddy so fat, he left to get milk 5 years ago and you can still see him.

What’s the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years milk will have developed a culture.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

What’s the difference between a cow and a crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

Do you know that women have eggs and milk in them?
And they say that they don’t belong in the kitchen.

One astronaut says to another, “I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”
The other astronaut replies, “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Yo mama so stupid, she brought a spoon, some cereal and some milk to the super bowl!

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.

Did you hear about the man who just assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter?
How dairy.

Father: Hey son, what are you drinking?
Son: Soy-milk.
Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

Why is almond milk called “milk”?
Because nobody could call it “nut juice” and keep a straight face.

Recommended: Nut Jokes

What do you call a cow with Parkinson’s?
A milk shake.

What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

What is Mario’s favorite brand of chocolate milk?

Yo mama is so fat, when she takes a dump her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a milk truck?
He got creamed.

Where does Russian milk come from?

What do cows call churned cream made from their half-siblings’ milk?
Butter from another udder.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

Yo mama so disgusting, her breast milk expired.

Does anyone know how to charge milk?
Mine is stuck at 1%.

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have eggs, get six.”
A short time later, the husband who is a programmer returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had eggs.”

Recommended: Lactose Intolerance Jokes

How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?
Take the spoon out of the glass.

What do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Why do British people put milk in their tea?
It’s not clear.

What tea tastes like milk?

Yo mama so old, powder milk comes out of her breasts.

What are milk farmers attracted to?
A nice dairy air.

What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese?
Hole milk.

What did they call the arab dairy farmer who became the chief?
A milk sheikh.

Recommended: Hot Chocolate Jokes

Do you know why some people dip their Oreos in water?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?
A milk dud.

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says, “Could you pass the honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?”
The Irish man not wanting to be outwitted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

Where do virtual cows store milk?
The random access mammary.

How do you get milk and eggs if all you have are chickens?
You get the eggs from the first chicken. Then you get the milk from the udder chicken.

What is the difference between an emo kid and a gallon of milk?
The milk won’t hang itself after you dump it.

How do babies like their milk?

What do you call a very serious farm with milk cows?
A drama-dairy.

Recommended: Mozzarella Jokes

Why does milk turn into yogurt when you take it to a museum?
Because it turns into cultured milk.

What ethnic group eats the most milk products per capita?
The Kurds.

What did the skimmed milk say to the cream?
“You can make me whole again.”

Did you know Mandalorians love blue-milk cottage cheese?
This is the whey.

What do you get when you drink milk?
A moostache.

Little Johnny: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier.
Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk!
Little Johnny: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
Sperm bank employee: Oh no.
Little Johnny: What?
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.

Why can’t milk balance well on its feet?
Because they lacktoes.

How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What was Salvador Dali’s favorite breakfast?
Milk and surreal.

Where do kittens get milk?

What kind of milk do they drink on Wall Street?

What do you call a frog that can’t drink milk?
Lactoad intolerant.

How do you know when you’re drinking kangaroo milk?
It has a kick to it.

Did you hear about the guy who died drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

What do you call a python that blocks the door to a Milk Tea shop?
A boba constrictor.

Recommended: Tea Jokes

A wife and husband were talking about people owning strange animals.
The wife said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
The husband said, “Thank you very much! I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please!!”

How does Ice Cube drink his milk?
Straight Outta Carton.

How do you give a cow an exorcism?
Milk the hell out of it.

How do you get decaffeinated milk?
Give the cow an abortion.

What‘s white and hides behind a tree in a forest?
A shy glass of milk.

What kind of potato gives the best milk?

Where do aliens get their milk?
From the Milky Way.

What do you call mashed avocado with milk?

Recommended: Pancake Jokes

What do milk and elephants have in common?
Both come by the quart.

What’s the strongest piece of clothing in the world?
A bra. It holds up two milk factories.

What’s the difference between a bull and a cow?
A bull smiles when you milk it.

Have a better milk joke? Post your own dairy puns and one-liners in the comment section!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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